Should i be angry?

My mother and i used to have a toxic relationship which brought a lot of trauma. we have fixed that relationship but everytime theres a minor anger or disccusion i get triggered.

Yesterday I was playing a ranked team game and one of my doctors called my mum wanting to speak to me. I told my mum to tell them to call me back in 10 minutes as i was in a game, i couldnt focus on talking, and i couldnt leave the game because if i did i would lose my progress, risk getting suspended and let down 5 other players.

but my mum kept insisting and was very angry with me when i kept saying no. And i was very angry she didnt listen to me. should i be angry at her?

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Hey @v4ventetta,

I don’t think there is any obligation to feel one way or another in any situation. We just happen to have these emotions, and we can try to see if we’re okay for feeling that way or not.

First off: I’m really sorry that your relationship with your mom is rooted in toxicity and traumas. I’m in a similar situation with my own mom, and it came to the point of me being unable to even be reminded that she exists, or I would start to spiral down into a bunch of anxiety and hopelessness. I truly admire and respect you for the fact that you’ve managed to talk and try to fix the relationship. It shows a willingness to not stay stuck in anger and hurt and, somehow, to try to heal together.

However, I’d like to ask: do you feel like the relationship is really “fixed”? As in, evolving on a new basis for both of you. As you’ve said, when there’s a minor anger ordiscussion, you get triggered. Which is definitely not your fault. But it might be also the sign that there is still something to work on right there. Maybe not with your mom directly if you feel like she wouldn’t bring anything more to your own healing at this point. But at least in the way these triggers are managed. When a small reason/argument is enough to start a fire, then it’s never really about the argument itself, but more about old resentment that’s reactivated over and over. If you’ve been having a certain percpetion of your mom because of traumas that involved her, then it might take a lot of time to learn to see her differently (and if she really behave differently too).

In other words, it doesn’t seem that it was really about this doctor/game interaction. Based onwhat you’ve said, the frustrationg and anger could have been there for a different reason/disagreement.The anger you feel seems to be a bit deeper, still.

How do you feel about your mom since you have started to try to “fix” your relationship? What’s the kind of perspective you were working on, together? Did you manage to both share what you’ve got on your heart, and the hurt you’ve been carrying because of past toxicity and traumas?

Hold Fast. :hrtlegolove:

It’s true, I was angry she came into my room even though i said im busy, i was angry she kept pressuring me to call and not repect my request…its just like how disrespectufl i used to be treated. Her anger and look of disappointed triggered me because that look and the acts she did with that look brought a lot of pain.

Me and my mum never really came to a agreement on past resentments, we just put everything aside and rebuilt our relationship. and our relationship is good at the moment. but i never talked, or got any aproper apology or acknoledgement over what happened. and whilst we are close again which I am so thankful, everytime i we have minor disagreements i panic or remember times that were worse.

I think the main reason i posted here today is because im fustrated. my mum does a lot of things that annoy me, which is understandable, everyone does things that anoys someone. However i feel very angry because im too scared of expressing im mad or unhappy with something she has done because it makes me panic she will get mad at me and everything falls apart again.

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its just like how disrespectufl i used to be treated. Her anger and look of disappointed triggered me because that look and the acts she did with that look brought a lot of pain.

That makes sense, really. It brings you back to a pain that’s still there and you don’t want to feel it over and over. Anger is a natural reaction in this context. I’ve definitely experienced that with my own mom, with a different context of course. The interactions we had would be seen as just normal for anyone else, but to me it was felt differently because there was this whole history behind us that was often reactivated. You used the word trigger and that’s really what it is.

but i never talked, or got any aproper apology or acknoledgement over what happened. and whilst we are close again which I am so thankful,

Do you think it is something you might be missing? Or would need? Really an option question with no right or wrong answer. And I’m not trying to influence you one way or another. I just think that it’s a question worth to ask yourself if these repeated arguments/anger is something you’d like to improve in the future.

everytime i we have minor disagreements i panic or remember times that were worse.

Your panic is understandable. Things seem to be still unsaid, so maybe the foundation you’re both working on feels a bit too fragile. As if it doesn’t give you yet the confidence you need for the future. So as a result, there’s a fear for things to happen again as it was eventually. As you said right here:

However i feel very angry because im too scared of expressing im mad or unhappy with something she has done because it makes me panic she will get mad at me and everything falls apart again.

With a lack of clear communication and “foundation”, it’s a bit like you have to guess how she would behave. If there was a lack of explicit words with your decision of putting everything aside, then the path you’re foollowing now can seem a bit foggy. Again, I understand in my own way. In my family, we’ve been through situations of abuses and traumas that were never really spoken directly, but more between words. The “good” side is that it prevents us from feeling the discomfort of an honest conversation (and the potential outcomes we might fear). On the other side, it’s very taxing to have to make hypothesis regarding someone’s behaviors and intentions all the time. To assume what they think and feel because communication isn’t really there.

All in all, your anger is valid. And I think these are emotions that would be really worth to explore. It says something about your heart and your needs.

thank you… b ack a year ago i wanted to get everything off my chest but i was too scared of. now all the bad things my mum did do not haunt my attention 24/7 like it did back then, its like i have moved on but the tiny memories or thoughts just bring me back to it sometimes.

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hi friend, there’s two ways we could look at this.

Assuming your relationship was indeed fixed, then it sounds like a typical child/parent interaction, where the child is focused on the game, and the parent on the ‘adult’ stuff like taking a c all from one’s doctor, which sounds like an important call to take. It’s one of the classic situations we could use to show how different things are important and valued by different people. From this perspective, we would have to see whether you have a pattern of ignoring important tasks while you game. This could have been a triggering type of behaviour for her, again if there was no history explained.

Since you do admit that the “fixing” of the relationship was essentially pouring hot asphalt over it and hoping that it’ll hold up again stress and strain, this would always be unlikely.

There is a lot of hurt that got buried, not resolved. You say you got no apology or acknowledgement. Essentially you buried the pain to have some kind of relationship with your mother.

This shows quite a difference in power here, where you are afraid to show anything except a smile for fear of losing the relationship. How does it look from her side? Is she also scared to express her feelings and thought for fear that you will pull away?

It seems you both want the relationship to work, and are willing to do the work, but you need some more tools. Have you considered visiting a therapist together? It will be incredibly painful at first when you both have to admit the feelings you’re both sidestepping and pretending aren’t there, but if it could truly put the past slights and pains to rest, would it be worth it to you both?

I think my mum had concerns of shared therapy…i do too since it would open up old wounds. and yes you are right, im terrified of showing any emotion to my mum that isnt positive in fear of losing her again.

I do suspect she feels similar, she cant be angry with me or be strict with me because it makes me panic and pull away, i imagine this too might be fustrating on her part.

I remember like a month ago i tried to express i was unhappy my mum did this thing and she got angry with me and i paniced and spent the weekend isolated and not eating out of fear. this has happened multiple times in the past year where out of fear of disagreement or such, could lead me to have panic isolated behaviour.

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gosh that is such a rough time, for you primarily, but also for your mom.

It’ll hurt, but if you two are prepper properly (for example, I’m thinking of one kind of approach is talk to you each separately, get you to individually express your pain and your hopes, and then get you both together and see how you build on it). It sounds like risking therapy is preferable to walking on eggshells day in and day out. At the very least, you two can probably learn how to express yourselves safely without you having to such a drastic reaction. Fear of loss is not the healthiest emotion to have in a relationship.

Wishing you both the best, it seems the love is there, it just has to be supported by some other positive tools.

yeah it does feel like anymoment could blow up. ill consider what you say thank you.

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Let’s bring this back to the original problem…Did you actually explain WHY you wanted to wait 10 mins or did you just say, no, get angry and close down?

I know how important your game was to you. I play mulitplayer games that you can’t just “pause” and go back to after you take the trash out for your mom. I’m sure you’ve hear the, “pause your game and take the trash out” order.

I want you see tho that unless you’re using video games to make a living, they are not something you should put first in your life. A call from a doctor shouldn’t be second, it should be first. Your real life should always come first.

There really isn’t anything to be angry about… but, and I’m sorry, I don’t sugar coat…I think you should apologize to your mother for getting angry about her wanting you to be responsible.