Should i cut my friend off?

So i have this friend let’s call him Jay. We’ve been incredibly close ever since we met. we both share a lot of trauma and interests and we could always talk to each other but he got a partner about 8 months ago and ever since then we barely talk anymore. It wouldn’t bother me as much if he’d atleast try to keep the friendship going but he doesn’t. He does still tell me things about his day sometimes but barely actually listens to when i talk about mine. When i told him how i felt about it he said he didn’t mean for it to come off like that and that he still cares as much as he did before but whenever i try to talk to him he either ignores my message or says he’ll respond later and then doesn’t. Even when i need a listening ear he doesn’t listen like he used to he’s always too busy or too exhausted because he spent all his time with his partner. Just a few days ago i was feeling really bad and just wanted someone to talk to and he said he didn’t have the energy but then i saw in his partners story that they were on the phone with him for hours after he said he didn’t have the energy(they started calling like 10min after i asked him). Whenever i feel like i cant deal with life anymore he’s too busy to talk to me but he still expects me to listen to his problems. As i said in my last post i tried to off myself a few weeks back and he texted me saying he’s having a panic attack (it was whilst i was already starting to feel dizzy) but i still kept talking to him to help him out of it. I just don’t think i have the energy and strength to keep the friendship up but we used to be so close before his partner came into the picture and i don’t want to loose our friendship but it’s just all so much. What should i do? Should i try and talk to him about it again? Should i just stop being friends with him because i already tried? I really don’t know what to do…
Update: i forgot to add that he and his mom used to be like my second family since mine caused me some of my trauma and they always welcomed me because they knew what kind of people my parents are (which most people dont)

Hi Carlosz,

Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through right now with your friendship. Making the decision to continue on in a friendship that has gotten unfulfilling or to walk away is always a difficult decision to make. Unfortunately only you can make the best decision for yourself, as confused as you may feel about the situation right now.

What I can say is that based on what you have shared there is definitely a loss of balance that has occurred in your friendship since Jay found a partner. Therefore, your feelings are very valid. It is extremely unfair to significantly reduce the amount of time and energy they spend with you but expect you to continue providing high levels of time, support and energy for them. There should 100% be a reciprocation where both people feel supported.

When you spoke to Jay about how you were feeling, did you provide examples like the ones you mentioned in this post. Sometimes even when we bring up a topic with others, they still have a hard time really visualizing and understanding what we mean. Providing examples and explaining exactly how those examples made you feel can sometimes be helpful. For myself, I usually ask my friend how they would feel if I had done the same to them. That’s a question that also helps them to reflect and actively see how hurtful their actions are even if their intent isn’t to be hurtful (which I am sure Jay’s intent is not to hurt you).

There’s so much that could go into Jay’s change of behaviour, such as being excited or happy about this new relationship and just wanting to spend all of your free time with that person (I admit I have been there and felt this way myself).

You sound very committed to your friendship with Jay but in order to make your decision you have to really weigh your options, think about the positives and the negatives of each option. Think about what you want. What is the best for you and for your wellbeing? Do you think your friendship can be saved? Do you think it is worth another conversation? Do you think they would make changes in their behaviour towards you if you were to speak about this again? Do you think you have tried everything you could try. Would you be able to walk away knowing you did your best? What would hurt worse/cause more damage to my wellbeing, walking away or continuing? These are all questions that I had to think on and reflect on when I had to make a decision about a close friendship of mine. I found them to be helpful and objective.

I’m sorry that you are going through this! You deserve to be in a friendship where you feel just as important and supported as you make them feel. I hope that things will work out, and no matter what you decide, you got this! :white_heart:

Thanks, uhm yeah i did give examples of what he did and he said he’s sorry and that he’ll make time for me at least once a week but he didn’t. it feels like he’s just gotten more distant and i myself am terrible at making decisions for myself. i often struggle with reading a situation the right way so i was hoping someone could tell me what they think i should do and that based off of that i could figure it out

Okay so i talked to him and he still didn’t listen properly. We’re not friends anymore now. I can’t breath properly i seriously can’t do this anymore

Hi Carlosz,

I see! Yes, communication works two ways. We can communicate how we feel as much as we want to but the other person has to be willing to fully listen to us and take in what we are saying. If you have talked to him multiple times as of now and he is still not taking your feelings seriously then Jay is not being a good friend and is acting quite selfishly. A friendship should not be cause such anxiety, stress, pain, and heartache. Every relationship has tough times, but how each person deals with those difficult times is very telling of how much or little they value the friendship. Because a relationship can only be mended if both people are making efforts to do so. You cannot be the only one making the effort, you cannot be the only giving support. It is unfair to you.

I’m truly sorry to hear that it came to the end of a friendship. And I know that it must be so hard right now because you care for Jay deeply. There’s so many emotions that you must be feeling at the moment and I’m sorry that you are hurting. But you deserve to be friends with someone that values you CONSISTENTLY, not just when it is easy or convenient for them.

It will take time to heal and to be okay. And it is okay to take the time that you need. If a person adds more negative feelings to your life than positive ones, and they make you feel badly, then ultimately they are not good for you or your wellbeing. I hope that one day, when you look back, you can feel as though you made the right choice for yourself, and that the decision as the days go by will start to hurt a little less, the more you realize that you deserve friends so much better than Jay.

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I have experienced this and the best thing I can say is Jay down and let him know how you feel about it and inform him it is messing up your friendship and if that doesn’t work what I did was distance myself when my best friend did that to me and I haven’t spoke to her ever since then so some friendships you can not save or salvage you have to wipe them away overall because nothing will change if they are in a long term relationship.