Back to heartsupport

Should i die

TW: suicidal thoughts
Hi it is me again. I hope you are all doing well. I am currently in a proces of moving to a new city to live with my brother and looking for a part time job. The problem is i just dont see what is the point. My family tells me to do what i think is best for me and not what others want for me. But i dont really want anything to begin with. I wanted to stop living for a long time but that is not an option because they want me to live. But again i am doing what they want. I dont want to have a life or a family or a job or to be happy I dont want to be here. So again i am doing something that others want me to do. I was just looking for a part time job and i was just depressed because i just dont even care about the money. I would be just fine waiting on a steet to starve to death. I dont care about me or my life. I am on antidepressants but they wount change the way you look at life. I guess the choice is this. Go on for other people or do what you want and go die.
Thanks for reading.

Just a bit of aditional information. I feel like i dont deserve to have a family or a job or anything because i just dont care. I am not really passionate about anything and i feel there are people who actualy want these things. I will give you an example. I told my parents i wanted to study psychology because it is somewhat interesting but there are so many people who really whant to study it and i just think it is ok to kill some years of my life. I dont belong here because i am not willing to fight to live. I think that in a biological point of view i shoul fail and die because i am a waste of space and air.

7 Likes

Hey @Ashwell thanks for posting. I appreciate the strength you have in sharing this with us. It can be so difficult when you feel such a strain and such a mountain in front of you when you don’t feel like it matters and you’re there like meh. It is so easy to feel that way. I have definitely felt that way, and i do at times feel this way when i get stuck. It really gets down and lonely too. I remember long periods of my life when it happened. I even remember getting jobs that were amazing where i felt it didn’t matter. There’s so much that can get those clouds in to your life again even after going through stuff.
I can see that there is definitely a lot of ambiguity going on in this emotion and there’s something happening inside. I wonder what you want to feel versus what you are feeling now. I see you here talking with us. You are fighting to talk and stay with us, so you feel the care and love, and you want to care and love. So i see the care and love.
There is so much there for you and just because you are not at the point of having everything figured out doesn’t mean you are not important and that you don’t have a unique gift.
I want to encourage you to look into what you have interests in and what is stopping you from those self decisions and maybe journal about what’s going on in your life.
Focused journaling about what is going on in your life can really focus on it. When you take the time to note down these feelings and what’s going on with your medications and share those thoughts with your doctor you can be more able to talk it out with a doctor and therapist. Sharing that with your doctor will be a lot more helpful than you think.

You are loved, you matter, and you are cared for greatly! You deserve all the positive things, you are worthy of life, you are worthy of the positive things and you are worthy of only the best!

4 Likes

I appreciate if you are feeling very despondent about life right now. I think you matter. I think you do have a drive to learn. Why don’t you learn about psychology despite these feelings? It could start with a book. Or video learning. Or talking to people. I’m proud of you for posting this message.

5 Likes

hi ashwell,

thank you for being so transparent here. i appreciate you sharing your thoughts to create a space for others to also not feel so alone.

you are also not alone in feeling this emptiness and hopelessness for the road ahead. i’ve been there and, my friend, it’s not easy. so i want to take this time to say how strong i know you are as you continue on in this fight. finding passion or a spark to life is difficult as can be. while i hope that along the road, you’ll discover something that does bring you a drive to continue because those things really do come into our lives randomly.

in the meantime however, i hope you are able to recognize that you DO add value to this world we share. even in the way you posted here on the HS wall, you have shown your impact to share your story and provide a platform for others to reflect on and feel not alone. you have love to offer in the heart that beats in your chest, you have ideas to share from the brain in your head, you have hands to create and mold a beautiful future. and that is what’s so beautiful to the capabilities we all hold in ourselves.

so until that time, as you struggle with finding motivation, i wish with everything that i can offer that you can take some time for yourself to do something for your body - a calming bath, a walk through nature, listening to your favorite band, etc… i also hope you can reach out to the doctor that prescribed the antidepressants to change doses potentially because there are ways for this medical professional to help with these feelings and emotions you’re facing.

i am happy that we are able to connect here and that you are alive in this moment to read my words to you, connecting to you from here in texas (howdy). i am sitting here hoping that you feel this support i am sending you and know that i value you, i appreciate you, and i love you. although i am a stranger, i do know that we sit under the same stars and have the same amount of value to give this world. i believe in you, @Ashwell <3

love,
twix

4 Likes

Hi @Ashwell . I hear you. I want you to know I read every word you wrote. I too have experienced the plague of suicidal thoughts. I know how that voice will just beat on you over and over. How it will whisper lies to you in your voice so it sounds real and true. I will tell you a couple things that may or may not help but these are things I hold on to when these thoughts hit me. One, that feelings can come from nowhere and have no real purpose. Feelings will influence thoughts. So you can have these empty feelings, these disconnected feelings of not having a connection or drive but this feeling doesn’t mean you have no purpose. It is easy to make the assumption that not having a want or drive makes you worthless but it doesn’t. You have value just being you. Two, medications can and do affect your mood in a negative way. Definitely go back to talk with your doctor about changing your medication. So, these feelings are not you. They will influence you and dull your perception but this doesn’t mean THIS is who you are. It is something you’re experiencing. I will also tell you ONCE this feeling starts to pull away you will feel more drives more interests. I don’t expect you to have this right away. You may not even believe it but I’ve been there and this does happen. Do some things that have demonstrable effects to your feelings like going for a walk, exercise, meditate ( I can help with meditation if you like…it can be intimidating). At first it’ll feel like a waste but you deserve the investment and eventually one day you’ll wake up and the feelings will have backed off and you’ll think wow, that WASNT me. I also actively tell off those suicidal thoughts. Like, actually saying to it “shut up” and "liar’! It sounds a little nutty but it has kept me on this planet for my friends and family. Hold fast.

4 Likes

Thank you for sharing what is happening in your life. And even though you don’t care about much I am glad that you care enough about expressing yourself to share your struggle with us. And I think it is important to point out that you care enough about those that love you to remain living and keep going for them. You clearly care about them even if you don’t think you do otherwise you wouldn’t even pretend to try for them.

I understand what you are experiencing. I understand enough to know that you probably won’t believe me saying that but it is true.

I think that you should pursue psychology or anything else you become even mildly interested in. When you care so little about everything then caring about anything is your equivalent to people who are really excited and care about a lot of things.

Even if you just want to use psychology or anything to kill a few years of your life. You do that enough times and soon you will be old and you will have lived your life and experienced a myriad of things and learned about a plethora of topics. And maybe one of those “time killers” will grab hold of you more than you expect it to and you will find that you truly care about something. You may find a passion and love for something that you never expected and you will never know if that is possible if you don’t keep living, even if you are living for others.

I hope you continue on and I hope that you find things to fill your time. And I hope that you keep sharing with us as you continue your journey.

4 Likes

Hey @Ashwell,

Thank you so much for, once again, sharing about how you feel. I hope you know that you always a safe space right here and we genuinely care about you.

Being depressed sucks. I don’t have many words of wisdom, but I certainly hear how you feel. You try your best, you want to achieve something, you want to be happy, but everything seems so fade and numb, so what’s the point of even trying? How you feel makes sense. However, it’s also important to acknowledge the progress you’ve made recently. Just the fact of considering different options than death is a win in itself. Just being here says a lot about your willingness to try, and your inner strength. You’ve also been closer to your family, you’ve been allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to be supported, even to take medications. These are massive steps forward. Unfortunately, the results won’t appear quickly, and you’ll keep knowing these intermediate states of feeling lost and questioning if what you’re doing is the right way. It’s more likely to take time, and when these thoughts of hurting are more intense, then it’s important to slow down and reach out the way you do.

Depression is like an uninvited guest in our mind, trying to destroy everything we like and everything that we are. It spreads lies, hatred and paints everything in black. How you feel and what you believe consequently is a direct manifestation of this inner division. However, this guest doesn’t define you, and it doesn’t have to take control over you, even if it seems very strong, invasive and overwhelming.

The positive things you’ve been implementing in your life might need some adjustments. For example, you feel this pressure of figuring out your future and goals. But once again, it will take time and a couple of life experiences as well. Sometimes - and especially while being depressed -, we expect to have a spark of motivation that will give us the reason to take the actions we need to get ourselves in a better place. However, we also often underestimate the fact that more than often actions themselves actually build motivation. It’s like a cycle that needs to be reversed. Learning to know yourself, beyond the veil of depression, is challenging, but incredibly worth it.

You’re also right: medications don’t change everything. But they are supposed to work like a crutch, to give you the boost you need to work on what’s hurting or affecting you. I’d encourage you to check in with your doctor and discuss how your medication is affecting you - is it positive? Did you notice any difference since you’ve started to take them? There might be some adjustments there that would be needed as well, as finding the right medication can take a bit of time for each individual.

You don’t deserve to die. The way you feel right now is not conditioning the rest of your life. It’s an incredibly tough and intense hurdle, but I believe you can learn to walk over it. Still and always, you are not alone through this. You’re loved so much. No one can replace you on this Earth. :hrtlegolove:

3 Likes

Video Response:

5 Likes

Wow. I am so grateful for all you coments. Just… Thank you… Thank you all…

4 Likes