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Should I Kill Myself? How can I keep going?

Foul Language Below, Sorry
I’m nothing. I’m nobody. I’m worthless. I have not a single cent to my name. I’ve been homeless for a year, bouncing from sibling to sibling to keep myself afloat. But honestly I’m drowning. I’m an 18 year old independent. I just had to move with no notice from maryland to dc because I couldn’t live with my older sister who was sheltering me anymore. Meaning I lost my job, my temporary home, had to leave all my shit but two bags of dirty clothes, including all my reptiles and the cats I was staying with who basically became mine. I left my medication there too and all my friends.
So I’ve been sleeping on my older sister’s couch for the past few days. My sister doesn’t really want me here. My family thinks I’m an ass. I’m a disappointment to my mom. I’m failing the college classes I’ve been breaking my back to pay for because I’m so depressed. I haven’t even gone to my english class in a month.
But I’m paying for it all by myself, and now I have no job and no money. My sister is going to kick me out soon, not because she hates having me here but because she can’t afford to support us both.
No one calls to check on me, despite my whole life literally just being ripped to shreds for the second time in 4 months. And by saying that what I mean to tell you, is I’m alone. No one believes in me, least of all myself. I want to end it all so bad.
I do have people who care about me, I know that. I know that killing myself would hurt a lot of people. But I’m worthless. I’m homeless, unemployed, failing school, isolated, depressed, bulimic, and literally covered in self harm scars that prevent me from pursuing any type of law enforcement careers, which would be the easiest avenue for me right now.
I have a twin, who I talk to every few days, and I know that so many people would be devastated if I died, one of them being her. But honestly, I just don’t think I can do this anymore. I’m just so so tired. I cry myself to sleep every night only to have horrifying nightmares and wake up in cold sweats. In the day I starve myself, or binge eat, then throw it all up.
My therapist, who I like, I can’t even talk to anymore. She’s always sick or on vacation. She is traveling from now to January first, I don’t even know if I’ll make it that long. And even if I do, we are in different states, all of our appointments are online. But I never have privacy anymore, I’m sleeping on my sister’s couch less than 4 feet away from her bed in her studio apartment, so I feel like I can’t talk to her about how unhappy I am without hurting my sister’s feelings or without her eavesdropping. She is 9 years older than me and knows nothing about me other than my name basically. I know I’ve already overstayed my welcome. I just want to jump off the fucking roof.
I’m so so tired. I’m so so depressed. I can’t even use my job as a reference because I had to quit with no notice. But that’s all of my professional experience, I’ve worked there since high school, it was my first real job. Now I’m in a new state with no friends or support through my rock bottom.
I want to kill myself so much. I’m never going to amount to anything, I’m too stupid to continue school. I’m too scarred to be taken seriously in the work world, and I don’t have a home. I don’t have anywhere to turn to. So maybe I should just turn to death. Should I kill myself?

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Hi friend.

That’s an awful lot to be going through at such a young age. I know moving around is very hard.

I’m sorry that things are so difficult right now.

It sounds like maybe more consistency with your classes would result in better grades. A month is a long time to miss it. You know? Is there a reason why you are missing so much school?

Having to quit your job unexpectedly is rough but sounds like it was out of your control. So really all you can do there is to keep looking for new places. Keep applying. Eventually something will work out and allow you to have at least a little money. Maybe then your sister could offer you to stay a little longer if you had a job to allow you to help with food and utilities. It’s understandable if it’s hard to support 2 people.

I also understand that the lack of privacy can be really frustrating. But it’s very kind for your sister to let you stay there. Sounds like it’s a blessing to have that space. Lack of privacy is better then nowhere to sleep Yea?

Friend. I know that a lot of things are going on and it must feel like you have a lot of weight and pressure on your shoulders but it can get better. You may have to step out of your comfort zone a little and work hard, but all of this struggle can be relieved with time and effort.

Setting some healthy goals is a good place to start. What are some goals you could set that would help you achieve a better footing?

Maybe requesting a new therapist would be good if your current one isn’t available very often. I’ve had to request to change before. Don’t be afraid to ask.

I hope that some answers find their way to your friend and that you find the strength and courage to push through all of these challenges. I know it’s hard but you can do this. Write down the things that are most important to you right now. And things that need to be a priority in your life. See what you can do to achieve those things.

Killing your self is never the answer. It would be awful. You are so much stronger than you realize. Try connecting with a new therapist and see if maybe they can help you find some guidance.

I wish you the best of luck sweet friend.
hugs

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Hi Sean,

I hope you can read this asap.

I think you are feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders but we as a species will be better off having you as part of this existence as demanding as that may sound.

I say this because despite the adversity you’re facing, you are resilient enough and display the resolve necessary to battle on even though you are feeling tested to what may seem as though are your limits.

Fortunately you’re not in jail nor are you entirely isolated and basically you just need to catch a break which will only happen through persistence and perseverance as challenging and heartwrenching as that may feel.

What’s more, you are an articulate character and I sense a level of intelligence that would be a real pity to be wasted.

Sean my friend we need you in this world because you will overcome your struggles and triumph and as a result, you will be able to share your experiences and help others who are suffering from their own adversity because you will have had the experience that is vital to relate and assist.

I implore you to push through and please don’t hesitate to contact me, it’d be great to get an update on your situation.

Yours truly, BIG HUGS.

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Hi there!
Thank you so much for your kind words. It really means the world to me. I can give you an update but I’m afraid it won’t be too uplifting.

I’m currently a live in housekeeper in yet another state. In order to keep a roof over my head, for 5 hours everyday I clean a massive house with a fairly welcoming family. My own family does not take kindly to me being a housekeeper and has in turn just about disowned me. Any contact I have with them is snide remarks and unwanted criticism. Despite not believing in the sigma around entry work, I often hate who I am and what I am doing. I’ve had to quit school and take up two jobs to support myself. Under the shadow of my twin I cannot help but be cast the black sheep of the family.

I find my therapy sessions unfulfilling and lacking of whatever I’m missing. Although I feel obligated to stay with my therapist because I’ve been with her for more than a year and never talked to anyone else. She was there when I had no one, and I find I can’t leave the connection I’ve built with her behind. I just feel as though I am in a different state in my life than when I first started and no longer benefit from the same treatment catering to who I was, just a kid needing validation and a crutch.

My only constant friend is a caring yet emotionally detached girl from high school. Whom I argue with constantly and can’t express my feelings to in fear of triggering her. For we bonded over self-harm in high school. Whenever we have a disagreement, she will forego contact until I deem it fit to reach out to her. At one point we did not talk for 3 months.

In hitting my rock bottom 4 months ago I have surprisingly become more mentally stable. But with the quarantining and the time spent trapped with all my thought and faults, I’ve relapsed into self-harm again. And with it comes all the shame I feel around it. Along with that I’ve gained weight from the constant bingeing and fasting I’ve become accustom to.

All hope is not yet lost though. I’ve been looking into getting a psychiatrist as to get myself back on medication and on the right path. I do often want to kill myself. But with all my possessions being in this house with this family, and my respective family being so far away, I think it would be too much of a burden to put on my family to have to collect and clean out my room. Especially with social distancing going on.

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my friend first and foremost, I’m terribly delighted to have received news from you. Relatively promptly as well which is all the more encouraging!

So, congratulations on landing yourself this housekeeping gig, I think it’s a great score for you considering your current status and to hear that your family are dismissing that in preference of the perceived nature of the job itself is disappointing. I feel that you should just focus on yourself for now and you can revisit their attitudes sometime in the future.

What’s more, you’re in a different geographical state which in itself is a different experience regardless of your personal disposition so you are managing to be quite productive, remarkable indeed.

The topic of therapy is one I am unfamiliar of, I have all my life been stubborn and kept to myself through thick and thin although I have a tendency to be vaguely frank when even meeting with strangers. Perhaps a way for me to vent.

Your friend is perhaps just longing for some company and I believe that could be a good thing for you both if you are willing to be supportive of each-other irrespective of the degree of support. The main positive there is that you both are not alone - not that that would be decisive - and that you can share with each other if you feel comfortable enough to do so at some point. Loneliness comes in many forms and we sometimes oversee others in the angst of our own distress.

Ultimately, I think I feel your sentiment to a significant degree and I open my arms to you as widely as possible, just as I try to do for as much as possible for humanity, because I feel we all need that love, even if we’re virtually strangers to each other.

Lastly, quarantine is certainly a challenge, I hope you don’t allow it to dictate certain urges as it’s important to keep in mind that those urges are largely due to quarantine itself. You obviously have personality and character and you’re simply having a difficult spell without enough genuine support. You are obviously a great person to have as a friend because you demonstrate human qualities and sentiment that are of real essence and if quarantine wasn’t taking place you would have more opportunities to try and connect with others. In the meantime, don’t hesitate to reach out!

Speak soon friend, BIG HUGS!

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