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Should I Kill Myself? How can I keep going?

Foul Language Below, Sorry
I’m nothing. I’m nobody. I’m worthless. I have not a single cent to my name. I’ve been homeless for a year, bouncing from sibling to sibling to keep myself afloat. But honestly I’m drowning. I’m an 18 year old independent. I just had to move with no notice from maryland to dc because I couldn’t live with my older sister who was sheltering me anymore. Meaning I lost my job, my temporary home, had to leave all my shit but two bags of dirty clothes, including all my reptiles and the cats I was staying with who basically became mine. I left my medication there too and all my friends.
So I’ve been sleeping on my older sister’s couch for the past few days. My sister doesn’t really want me here. My family thinks I’m an ass. I’m a disappointment to my mom. I’m failing the college classes I’ve been breaking my back to pay for because I’m so depressed. I haven’t even gone to my english class in a month.
But I’m paying for it all by myself, and now I have no job and no money. My sister is going to kick me out soon, not because she hates having me here but because she can’t afford to support us both.
No one calls to check on me, despite my whole life literally just being ripped to shreds for the second time in 4 months. And by saying that what I mean to tell you, is I’m alone. No one believes in me, least of all myself. I want to end it all so bad.
I do have people who care about me, I know that. I know that killing myself would hurt a lot of people. But I’m worthless. I’m homeless, unemployed, failing school, isolated, depressed, bulimic, and literally covered in self harm scars that prevent me from pursuing any type of law enforcement careers, which would be the easiest avenue for me right now.
I have a twin, who I talk to every few days, and I know that so many people would be devastated if I died, one of them being her. But honestly, I just don’t think I can do this anymore. I’m just so so tired. I cry myself to sleep every night only to have horrifying nightmares and wake up in cold sweats. In the day I starve myself, or binge eat, then throw it all up.
My therapist, who I like, I can’t even talk to anymore. She’s always sick or on vacation. She is traveling from now to January first, I don’t even know if I’ll make it that long. And even if I do, we are in different states, all of our appointments are online. But I never have privacy anymore, I’m sleeping on my sister’s couch less than 4 feet away from her bed in her studio apartment, so I feel like I can’t talk to her about how unhappy I am without hurting my sister’s feelings or without her eavesdropping. She is 9 years older than me and knows nothing about me other than my name basically. I know I’ve already overstayed my welcome. I just want to jump off the fucking roof.
I’m so so tired. I’m so so depressed. I can’t even use my job as a reference because I had to quit with no notice. But that’s all of my professional experience, I’ve worked there since high school, it was my first real job. Now I’m in a new state with no friends or support through my rock bottom.
I want to kill myself so much. I’m never going to amount to anything, I’m too stupid to continue school. I’m too scarred to be taken seriously in the work world, and I don’t have a home. I don’t have anywhere to turn to. So maybe I should just turn to death. Should I kill myself?

Hi friend.

That’s an awful lot to be going through at such a young age. I know moving around is very hard.

I’m sorry that things are so difficult right now.

It sounds like maybe more consistency with your classes would result in better grades. A month is a long time to miss it. You know? Is there a reason why you are missing so much school?

Having to quit your job unexpectedly is rough but sounds like it was out of your control. So really all you can do there is to keep looking for new places. Keep applying. Eventually something will work out and allow you to have at least a little money. Maybe then your sister could offer you to stay a little longer if you had a job to allow you to help with food and utilities. It’s understandable if it’s hard to support 2 people.

I also understand that the lack of privacy can be really frustrating. But it’s very kind for your sister to let you stay there. Sounds like it’s a blessing to have that space. Lack of privacy is better then nowhere to sleep Yea?

Friend. I know that a lot of things are going on and it must feel like you have a lot of weight and pressure on your shoulders but it can get better. You may have to step out of your comfort zone a little and work hard, but all of this struggle can be relieved with time and effort.

Setting some healthy goals is a good place to start. What are some goals you could set that would help you achieve a better footing?

Maybe requesting a new therapist would be good if your current one isn’t available very often. I’ve had to request to change before. Don’t be afraid to ask.

I hope that some answers find their way to your friend and that you find the strength and courage to push through all of these challenges. I know it’s hard but you can do this. Write down the things that are most important to you right now. And things that need to be a priority in your life. See what you can do to achieve those things.

Killing your self is never the answer. It would be awful. You are so much stronger than you realize. Try connecting with a new therapist and see if maybe they can help you find some guidance.

I wish you the best of luck sweet friend.
hugs

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