Why? Why do I deserve the love, support, encouragement, patience, kindness, etc that i receive? What have I done to be worthy of it all? I don’t feel like I deserve it. I don’t think I’ve done anything to warrant this. I’m just me. I’m just a girl who’s been through a lot of shit and seen a lot of things. I just don’t want anybody else to feel what I feel if I can help it. Lately I uhh- haven’t been very good at that. I’ve just felt empty and…and just really not interested in doing anything. Does that make me less of a good person? Even feeling things fully and truly has been challenging recently. I don’t know why. It just…has been. I want to feel something. But I don’t want to go back to the only thing that I can think of. I don’t want to self harm. I’m seriously contemplating it, but dammit…I want to stay clean. I don’t know how to describe what’s going on in my head. I’m sorry for that. But what I can say is that I don’t feel worthy of the good things i’m presented with. I don’t feel like I deserve them. With feeling so empty I can’t appreciate them like I want to. I know that the simple answer to the original question is that i breathe air and am alive. But trying to figure out why the answer is so simple is what’s complicated. I don’t know. I’m just rambling. I’m sorry for wasting time.
Don’t apologize. You are not wasting time. You just wanted to vent. That is okay. I believe you will go through the night. Focus on what it can calm yourself, brings you peace, and joy. I hope you will go through this season you are in. Thank you for sharing. HeartSupport is here with you and for you. God loves you.
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