Since i have no safe place to say these things!

[Masterofnone]

Hi you all
I’m 27 years old male from Iran,I’m also INFJ person (which i know it’s not viable personality metric to some) it’s been almost 3 to 4 years since i been struggling with depression thought out these years i even encountered couple of health issues (hearing,eye sight. . .) the worst one is the Seborrheic dermatitis one which is kinda of skin condition (makes the skin red and looks like irritated and there is no clear cure for it)
which made me even more isolated through out these years from social gathering and stuff
they only reason i didn’t committed suicide by now is that i can’t bare the thought that i put my family through that scenario ( tho i don’t believe i deserve any moaning)
some times it gets so bad that i feel something dark is filling my whole inside and making me thin from inside out

i was addicted to video games and porn for as long as i can remember recently i manged to cast aside the video games addiction then i realized i use these 2 as a distraction but still having a hard battle with quitting porn it just so damn hard and complicated i tried a bit of meditation recently too in some mornings it helped me a little bit with my overthinking problems and it made me to see what even i want from my life
for now my ultimate goal is to runway from this country i’m not a religious person, life is so unnecessary hard and unfair if you are not align with ideology of your government in a country like this.
i’m trying to learn web development and hopefully in future i can mange to apply for job in other countries and immigrate from here to somewhere else tho the road to this ideal seem so far away and so hard to me, it makes me shake and sweat thinking about it.

my biggest regret for these passed years is that i never had a girlfriend and the need is not only sexual for me it’s mostly i never felt “wanted” or “loved” that way and it just makes me so sad.
i heard that you have to love yourself or be somewhat OK with yourself in your personal life in order to start to look for your other half, other wise either they hurt you or you hurt them and because of this i don’t know should i even start to look out for finding someone
i mean let’s get real i have no job no money why anyone want to be with me but in other hand does that condition should apply always? you should not feel being loved if you have no money? i don’t know man when i think about the times i could spend my time with a loved one and i never got to find them, it makes me feels like some one stabbing me in the chest; being ugly being poor being in third world country sigh

amid of these recent events between Iran vs america i even feel more sad since we are on brink of war kinda, i don’t believe in any muslim traditions and life guide lines yet any day i might get drafted for war in future to serve my totalitarian leaders
i don’t scared of dying, i’m scared of dying for no meaning full reason.

sorry i kinda went all over the place with this topic, had a strong urge to only speak my mind; the war threats for these couple of days made me so restless.

hope you all having a great year!
and thanks for reading my story and struggle!

[Micro]

Hi @Masterofnone,

Thank you for sharing your story and being here.

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been dealing with depression thoughts for so long. As you didn’t mention getting any help, professional or not, I hope you still find some ways and tips to help on a daily basis. Many of us in this community are dealing with different kind of depression and you’re definitely not alone in this. If you ever need insights from others, support on how to manage those thoughts, feel always free to reach out here.

I’m also sorry to hear about your skin condition. I have myself an atopic skin, due to a cocktail of allergies, which prevents me to exercise intensely or do some specific activities, otherwise I have intense itchings. Outside taking antihistamine everyday, there’s not much to do and it’s not a cure at all. I know how disabling and uncomfortable it can be. Again, I sincerely hope you found some helpful things to ease these physical reactions and/or you can talk about it to a doctor and receive some advices. Know that anytime you need to talk about it or just vent, you are welcome here.

When you have to handle chronic diseases, it makes sense to feel isolated and have depressing thoughts. You are not alone, friend. And ending your days would be dramatic for eveyrone. Because there’s no one like you on earth. And by being you, you are bringing unique lights to this world.

We don’t know each other and it can sound a bit weird, but I’m proud of you for being aware of your addictions. It’s not an easy thing to realize this. Nor to battle against it. You are aware of what’s going on and I respect you so much for your determination.
I also wish you to reach your personal goals. I bet web development is pretty interesting and I hope it’s something you appreciate! When you are driven by a passion, you can overcome many obstacles.

Also, I don’t know if what others said to you about looking for someone is a 100% true. Sometimes we are also lucky enough to find someone who actually brings hope and light in our life, and helps us to get back on our feet. But it’s always a matter of circumstances and opportunities. What remains important is how you feel about it. If you feel ready and comfortable enough to try to find someone, or not. There’s no right or wrong answer for this. Only your personal appreciation, which is highly important.

I know it doesn’t solve everything, but you are loved friend. Sincerely. I feel honored to read what you shared with us and I care about you.

Feel free to join us on Discord, if this is something you’d appreciate : https://discord.gg/zdVk7b

Hold fast.