Hi you all
I’m 27 years old male from Iran,I’m also INFJ person (which i know it’s not viable personality metric to some) it’s been almost 3 to 4 years since i been struggling with depression thought out these years i even encountered couple of health issues (hearing,eye sight. . .) the worst one is the Seborrheic dermatitis one which is kinda of skin condition (makes the skin red and looks like irritated and there is no clear cure for it)
which made me even more isolated through out these years from social gathering and stuff
they only reason i didn’t committed suicide by now is that i can’t bare the thought that i put my family through that scenario ( tho i don’t believe i deserve any moaning)
some times it gets so bad that i feel something dark is filling my whole inside and making me thin from inside out
i was addicted to video games and porn for as long as i can remember recently i manged to cast aside the video games addiction then i realized i use these 2 as a distraction but still having a hard battle with quitting porn it just so damn hard and complicated i tried a bit of meditation recently too in some mornings it helped me a little bit with my overthinking problems and it made me to see what even i want from my life
for now my ultimate goal is to runway from this country i’m not a religious person, life is so unnecessary hard and unfair if you are not align with ideology of your government in a country like this.
i’m trying to learn web development and hopefully in future i can mange to apply for job in other countries and immigrate from here to somewhere else tho the road to this ideal seem so far away and so hard to me, it makes me shake and sweat thinking about it.
my biggest regret for these passed years is that i never had a girlfriend and the need is not only sexual for me it’s mostly i never felt “wanted” or “loved” that way and it just makes me so sad.
i heard that you have to love yourself or be somewhat OK with yourself in your personal life in order to start to look for your other half, other wise either they hurt you or you hurt them and because of this i don’t know should i even start to look out for finding someone
i mean let’s get real i have no job no money why anyone want to be with me but in other hand does that condition should apply always? you should not feel being loved if you have no money? i don’t know man when i think about the times i could spend my time with a loved one and i never got to find them, it makes me feels like some one stabbing me in the chest; being ugly being poor being in third world country sigh
amid of these recent events between Iran vs america i even feel more sad since we are on brink of war kinda, i don’t believe in any muslim traditions and life guide lines yet any day i might get drafted for war in future to serve my totalitarian leaders
i don’t scared of dying, i’m scared of dying for no meaning full reason.
sorry i kinda went all over the place with this topic, had a strong urge to only speak my mind; the war threats for these couple of days made me so restless.
hope you all having a great year!
and thanks for reading my story and struggle!