This is hard for me but I don’t know what else to do. I’m an introvert and talking about things isn’t exactly easy for me but I’ve been feeling like I’m about to lose my mind for a while now and I need some help. I’m depressed and miserable. I don’t think I can list all the things that have made me feel this way or contributed to this feeling, but right now I’m facing a conundrum.
You see, I got my degree in accounting but when the pandemic hit I was unemployed for almost three years.
Just last year an opportunity arrived, it was a learnership in an accounting firm and everyone was happy about it…everyone except me.
I was desperate for a job but something happened during my three years of unemployment, I discovered my real passion.
I discovered my love for writing and I really want to be a writer.
I know some people might wonder why I would accept a job in accounting when my real passion is something else.
I don’t know what to really tell you except that it seemed like the most logical thing to do at the time. Everyone in my family would be happy and I’d finally be able to start being financially independent.
I knew from my very first day that I wasn’t meant to be there. I felt like a fraud amongst colleagues, like I didn’t belong and from day one I have been miserable.
I want more than anything to quit my job and focus on writing but I’m afraid. Is it even sane to leave a stable professional job/career to take a chance on my passion? What if I quit and I can’t make a career out of writing? What if people hate my work? How will I face my family who are depending on me financially?
Am I being ridiculous?
I can’t bare the thought of stepping into that office anymore. It’s gotten to the point where I’m actually hoping to get fired, just so I can be free. I’m afraid I might say or do something just so I can leave but even if I do that, a greater fear is the fear of failure.
What will I have if my dream fails me? What will I do in life?
What do I do?
I feel like no one around me understands my predicament. I have tried talking to people but most of the responses I get is to just stick it out, I have been given the perfect opportunity and I should just be grateful.
I should push all other thoughts from my mind and focus on reality.
Easy to say but hard to actually do.
I wake up every day just hating life and have to admit that my mind has taken a turn down some dark roads because of this.
How do I take charge of my life and stop fearing people, failures and myself?
How do I make things better for me?
Is there anyone that can relate?