Sleepless Nights

[Tobikoy]

Wrote this song a couple years back after getting drunk for a year and ending a toxic and abusive relationship where I am scared enough not to sleep with lights off and play something like a music or a list of videos just to make myself feel that I was not alone in my room, I still have those nights where I shiver for remembering the things I’ve done to my family and my friends from being unstable and angry all the time. Tried to kill myself so many times. Burned my self with a cigarette just to feel if I’m dreaming or not. I cried myself after writing this, my jaw was not aligned, my nose was broken, a broken right hand for punching a wall, and it was so hard to sing and some of my words won’t be understood cause I bit my tongue and was slightly bleeding, the cause was I got in a fist fight with my friend whom betrayed me for a girl he liked and still I wanted to let my feelings out so I wrote this. Something to remind me that I survived those nights when I was so alone and had no one to talk to. I was such an asshole back then, I didn’t know what people felt cause I myself did not know what I felt. Took a lot of hours to make the right rhythm of what I felt, and a lot of Tears was dropped and a lot of big realizations. I hope you guys like it, I really don’t know how to share my past cause I don’t know where to start. And again I’m not promoting my song here, I’m just sharing what I feel into a song. And I’m sorry for not replying to my last Topic, I’m still shy.

Have great day to whoever’s reading and listening to this. You’re not alone, I too still finding my place in this world. The ghost of my past still lingers with me today, but we can’t stop now there are a lot of great things out there. <3

Every time I close my eyes
I just wanna be alone
Suddenly I came to see
I don’t feel at home
Am I
Do I
Join forces with my ghosts
Unconsciously, unfortunately
I’m dancing with my ghost
How do I dispel this curse
You’ve given me
How do I dispel this curse
You’ve given me
The midnight breeze is comforting me
The midnight breeze is comforting me

[Wings]

I like the ghost metaphor. Just keep in mind, that the ghost is an identity that no longer exists, because every day, you awaken as a wiser and more experienced person, and the ghost cannot control you in the present. The ghost can trouble your mind, and make you feel afraid, but the only strength that it has is the ability to confuse you. At the same time, the ghost is far more confused than you are. You exist in real time, and can assess your state of mind and your intentions, and make appropriate decisions that the ghost wouldn’t understand.

The ghost manifested as a result of suffering, and probably could not see beyond it. Dancing with the ghost might provide you with some insight, but don’t let it accuse you of anything, or make you feel guilty about a past that you cannot change.

“Big realizations” are steps towards wisdom and healing.

Sharing past experience can be really hard. Don’t rush it. I share mine in bits and pieces, because I doubt that anyone would believe the entire thing. There have been times when I’ve told stories about someone I knew, when the story was actually about me. That’s one way to get a more honest reaction.

Thanks for sharing. I hope you’re doing okay now.

[Tobikoy]

I am still troubled from my past, and some ghosts just wont leave me be. For a moment you suddenly forget about the things they and I have done from the past, and simple topics or simple chores makes me remember them out of nowhere. Even dream about them. I am still afraid of myself, I can feel the anger inside just lingering, waiting to pounce when the time comes. Because of that I am avoiding Friends and Families just to protect them from me. It’s weird to remember my past like it was just yesterday or last month that it happened, and I overthink about it and end up not sleeping for 2-3 days. In order to feel at ease, I write it down. But some of them just won’t leave, maybe it’s a curse on me, to haunt me until I forgive them and myself.

Thank you for checking out my song, I appreciate it a lot. I’ll slowly share my story slowly.

[Wings]

Do you need to protect others from who you used to be? That can be accomplished only through time travel. Whatever you did in the past, sounds like it might’ve been related to you not being the protective person you are now.

The mind “re-lives” upsetting things, including those things that trigger lots of anger, fear or regret. The more upsetting it is, the more likely it’ll seem to have happened very recently. It’s commonly thought that if remembering something still causes anger, forgiveness isn’t possible.

Anger is an emotion. Forgiveness is a decision. Therefore, you can be mad as hell, and still forgive. So, you can be mad as hell at yourself, but still self-forgive. Doing so is important, because it opens the mind and heart to self-acceptance and ultimately wisdom. Many assume that forgiving others will make them vulnerable to being hurt again. The fact is, it’s easier to forgive others when you make damn sure they can’t hurt you again.

Overthinking is less of a problem when you know you’re doing it. Not everyone has the insight to know when that is happening. Overthinking that causes sleep loss can be a real problem because a mind that is suffering from lack of sleep can have run away and non-realistic thoughts. If the problem persists, you probably should see a doctor and/or a therapist.

My impression is that others have hurt you, and you have hurt others. Now, thinking about it troubles you. It can be really hard to process the thoughts that come as a result of regret or being hurt. It is necessary though. When you start to rethink the same thoughts, it’s time to take a break.

I think writing down your thoughts is a good idea. It helps to organize them, and put them into perspective.

You mentioned being afraid of yourself, due to lingering anger. It might be really hard to find a way of expressing it, but fearing the anger can actually make you more susceptible to it. It’s best to acknowledge your emotions. By doing that, it’s far more likely to keep them from building in such intensity that you might lose control of your feelings.

Stay in touch.

[Tobikoy]

I’m so stunned from what you said. I’m having some heavy realizations and I’m speechless. I really don’t know what to say, really heavy stuff. I feel a little bit lighter from that. Thanks, wings.