Just a small rant, I guess.
Today I got angry at my mother as she yelled at me to clean my room. Not only is the fact she yells that to an adult rather frustrating to myself, its also that I was actually doing it. A few minutes later I snapped and protested at her in front of my father, explaining how annoying it was to be told to do something you are already doing. Being me, that sends my mind into wondering whether I am doing something right or doing it at all, and mentally stops me for a few, rather taxing minutes.
However it ended up being a guilt-trip for me, as both she and my father pointed at things I actually failed to do regarding the cleaning. I only pointed out that it is unfair to be called out for not doing something you are actually doing. They quickly spun it into other things I didn’t do therefore I shouldn’t complain and I am also at fault for snapping out.
This situation already felt familiar, as I had a similar issue mostly involving my dad early this week, and it’s been sending me into memories of similar experiences where I feel I am in the right to be not ok with something but it ends up being all my fault.
And it gets me to the point at which I have a series of ideas I feel cementing into my mind: That no matter how much I try something I am always going to miss it entirely, or partially, which is the same; That I can’t voice my thoughts as they will always revert back to shaming me.
I know these ideas are not real. That they are figments of my mind done to cope with some distress or something and that I need to look at them some other way. But I just don’t see some other way. Every time I try to challenge them I find them reassured with a new event, a new failure or a new situation in which its ultimately my fault, where for a fact or just for a feeling.
I don’t want to say anything anymore. I don’t feel like expressing opinions that will always end in me being at the wrong of something and I don’t wish to argue against something I feel is unjust towards me. I am already a rather passive, non-protesting guy when it comes to driving or standing in a line and simple stuff like that. And while I can feel the anger and rage and frustration brewing inside me, I feel dread at expressing them even in the most calm way, because ultimately I will end up feeling worse. Which sucks because I don’t really have a way to deal with that frustration. Other than punching myself.
I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to disagree. I don’t want to vote, I don’t want to debate. I don’t want to propose new ideas.
I have tried to word in a short way how this feels. Googling phrases like “I feel I fail at everything I do” is something I end up doing whenever I feel distress, if only to see if I am not alone at this. However this one escapes the short phrase format for me.