Small rant. Though confusing

[ElMarto]

Just a small rant, I guess.

Today I got angry at my mother as she yelled at me to clean my room. Not only is the fact she yells that to an adult rather frustrating to myself, its also that I was actually doing it. A few minutes later I snapped and protested at her in front of my father, explaining how annoying it was to be told to do something you are already doing. Being me, that sends my mind into wondering whether I am doing something right or doing it at all, and mentally stops me for a few, rather taxing minutes.

However it ended up being a guilt-trip for me, as both she and my father pointed at things I actually failed to do regarding the cleaning. I only pointed out that it is unfair to be called out for not doing something you are actually doing. They quickly spun it into other things I didn’t do therefore I shouldn’t complain and I am also at fault for snapping out.

This situation already felt familiar, as I had a similar issue mostly involving my dad early this week, and it’s been sending me into memories of similar experiences where I feel I am in the right to be not ok with something but it ends up being all my fault.

And it gets me to the point at which I have a series of ideas I feel cementing into my mind: That no matter how much I try something I am always going to miss it entirely, or partially, which is the same; That I can’t voice my thoughts as they will always revert back to shaming me.

I know these ideas are not real. That they are figments of my mind done to cope with some distress or something and that I need to look at them some other way. But I just don’t see some other way. Every time I try to challenge them I find them reassured with a new event, a new failure or a new situation in which its ultimately my fault, where for a fact or just for a feeling.

I don’t want to say anything anymore. I don’t feel like expressing opinions that will always end in me being at the wrong of something and I don’t wish to argue against something I feel is unjust towards me. I am already a rather passive, non-protesting guy when it comes to driving or standing in a line and simple stuff like that. And while I can feel the anger and rage and frustration brewing inside me, I feel dread at expressing them even in the most calm way, because ultimately I will end up feeling worse. Which sucks because I don’t really have a way to deal with that frustration. Other than punching myself.

I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to disagree. I don’t want to vote, I don’t want to debate. I don’t want to propose new ideas.

I have tried to word in a short way how this feels. Googling phrases like “I feel I fail at everything I do” is something I end up doing whenever I feel distress, if only to see if I am not alone at this. However this one escapes the short phrase format for me.

[Micro]

Hey @ElMarto,

Thank you so much for sharing your heart here and your thoughts.

First off, I’m so very sorry for how the events with your mom and dad turned out in the end. You were not wrong for expressing your frustrationg there. It is objectively frustrating, and even hurtful to be told to do something we’re already doing. Whenever I’ve been in a similar situation, it’s always frustrated me as well, because it kind of made me feel like I wasn’t trusted in order to make good decisions or anticipate important things. As human beings, and while we are learning to do things, we also need validation when something is functioning, especially from our parents. Otherwise it feels like an unnecessary use of authority.

Unfortunately, most of the time people are not ready to have a calm conversation and acknowledge when a mistake has been made, because it would imply for someone to say “yes, I was wrong”, which is often perceived as very uncomfortable and the manifestation of a personal failure - while it’s not. So instead the reactions we see while pointing out an injustice (no matter how big or small it is) can be irrational and, on the opposite, blame the person who’s using their voice for a right purpose.

I’d like to say that its no’t your fault. As long as you express your concerns in a respectful way, the way people receive your comments (or critics) is between them and themselves. For sure, it requires a bit of a thick skin sometimes, depending on the situation, as people can lash out as a response. But it wouldn’t be the reflection of personal failures that you’d own. It wouldn’t say something about you as a person. Only that communication in general and specifically that type of conversation can be very difficult for most people, because it’s uncomfortable.

Your voice is precious. It’s a gift that you own, and it would be a waste to censor yourself. As you said, there is truth to find in the thoughts you might have after that type of interaction. There’s how we feel at the moment, and what is actually the reflection of the turth. Be weary of generalizations about your abilities and who you are when there are deep emotions involved. It is those emotions speaking, but not the reflection of the reality.

The need for justice can move us so deeply. I often feel it in my core, and I can say that it’s something that drives me so much on a daily basis. I relate to your frustration though I’d like to say that learning to be at peace with yourself and your own values will be of a great help in the long term. Both to also accept what you can’t change, but also to feel more confident with your own perspectives and the way you express them.

It would be unfair to mute yourself. It would be, in itself, a pure injustice. You belong and you can do your part in this world the wat you want. Not everyone is going to be able to listen, or to connect with you the right way at a given time. But when someone does, the reward is priceless.

Thank you once again for sharing your voice right here, in spite of the desire to hide and give up.
Hold Fast.