Smiling depression

Smiling depression is exactly what it sounds like. I haven’t been diagnosed with depression by a professional, because my family prefers keeping things in the family and i find it really really hard to open up about how I feel. It’s not my family’s fault, they’re supportive, it’s just I feel like I should be dealing with this on my own. My parents and my sisters have enough on their plates. So I’m always the cheerful, “singing Christmas songs in June” one. I’m smiling and laughing at everything and anything. Then when I’m alone in my room I find myself listening to sad songs and just generally bawling my eyes out. Now that I’m typing it out I realize how it sounds. At first I didn’t let myself think too much of it. Smile, say hi to mom, go into room and cry, come out and smile again.
I feel like I have to be the best at everything and like I have to be in control sometimes. My self confidence and self esteem is next to nothing. Next to my smart sister and my other beautiful and successful sister I’m just a mess. I feel sad, but I can’t stop myself from being a idiot and smiling. I don’t want to talk to my family about it. I don’t want to feel so vulnerable and weak. You know, it’s almost laughable. My sister found a bunch of white hairs the other day. At sixteen? Vitamin deficiency or emotional stress? Just wonderful. I don’t know, I don’t know if the true me is sad and depressed or smiling and happy. I don’t want to worry my parents, but I got a cut in the same place where I first cut myself (been clean for years now thankfully), and it just freaked me out. Please help. What can I do about my self confidence, my self esteem?


hey my friend, I am proud of you for reaching out here.

I get how you feel, I felt similar, and still do at times…

you don´t have to go through this alone. here are many people who have been where you are and want to walk this with you.

to help my mental health and self esteem, I like to speak out things over myself.
i stand in front of a mirror and read a list of positive things I wrote about myself, like I am beautiful, I am smart, I am able to feel happiness, I am not alone, I have a family that loves me, I have many talents, etc.
and every day after getting up and before going to sleep, I read it out loud, even if it doesn’t feel true or right and if I have to force myself to do it, eventually sou will start believing it, thats how the brain works, whatever it keeps hearing, it will believe. and saying things out loud gives it even more power and the brain will learn it.

something else I like to do is take negative thoughts I have about myself, write them down and then write the opposite (the positive thought/truth) underneath and read them out loud.

you are not alone in this, we are here with you along the way. hold fast

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