Smirky Fan #18

Hello, I am currently a person struggling with Autism, my name is Hunter Lewis, and basically I do have a Job and a Girlfriend, I am 21 Years Old, and I basically live in Yucaipa California. However, I just feel like deep down something inside me… feels like I am truly alone in the world. No one, not even my girlfriend knows who I really am. I am also a streamer and wanting to grow more, show people how others care, and I want to give love back to the world and my community. But truly, I wish I was growing, I have been streaming for over a year, and basically I feel like no one loves me, they just go to others who care, and I also want to care as well about others and show my support as best as I can. But I will keep trying as best I can to make others feel loved and make a great community, when I found Smirky, he is such a awesome person and a good friend, and I didnt know that he played toontown and streamed it, and I have been playing toontown since I was a kid, and I loved it, Smirky playing toontown was truly making me happy. When it closed down, it made me feel frustrated, and I thought I would lose a lot of things… Well… I basically did lose somethings after that. Also here is a story and example, when I have been in denial. Basically when I was in Revival Servers. I feel like people are playing the favoritism there, and not really caring about others. I have been in Halo Revival Servers for over 2 years, and not once I wanted to be a spartan, cause they never choose me. I have been loyal, kind, showing good leadership, and so much more that I wanted to do in the server to prove myself to become a spartan, but guess what. They never chose me. I feel so sad and deeply depressed that the server that I thought I loved and was good, turns out to be a disaster. Here’s another story, my father, he was great back in the day, I used to love him, but that all changed since he changed to be a drunken piece of ****. I am sorry, kinda cried there at the moment, he has hurt me, and made me feel like I was more alone since he left me. Plus my past friends who I want to care about has left me in the past, however I completely understand that it was their choice, but still, I wont be able to see them again. Then things got bad to worse, my step father was the most caring and responsible person since half a year ago, but then things have changed since his anger issues, after that, I couldnt take his ranting anymore, so then we were getting into a physical fight, even though I won reasonably and physically, I still hurt him, and because of me, and made our family move because of him. However he wouldve gotten arrested for hurting me too, cause I was defending myself. But that is the short story of me, and basically I need help, a lot. If someone was there for me, I would always try to be there for them as much as I can.

Hey HuntmanWanderer,

It’s so brutal to feel like every person you’ve interacted with in your past – your dad, your step-dad, your server, your girlfriend, even streamers you admire – abandon you in one way or another…that everyone, in the end, will leave you, and that you’ll always be alone. It’s a terrifying reality to feel you live in, like there’s nothing you can do to change it…it feels like fate, like your doom, that you’re always destined to be on the outside, never on the inside, never belonging, and the only person that’s broken like this.

And man, I just gotta say, you are NOT ALONE in feeling this way. I literally just got done responding to a dozen posts of people who feel the EXACT way you do…feeling like they’re the only ones on the outside of what they perceive to be the reality everyone else lives in…I hope that in knowing you are not alone, you can realize that there is hope for you! Others have found peace and belonging, and I believe you can too.

Thank you for sharing your heart man. I know it personally, as I’ve been in a similar spot myself. I feel you and appreciate your courage to share.