So after the most traumatic event of my life I ended up inpatient. On my fiance's birthday I tried to kill myself

I’m currently writing this in the ICU because my blood pressure has been a mess along since other things because of what unspecified prescription medication I took to try and kill myself on his birthday, the 12th. In January my fiance’s narcissistic mother called the police on me and claimed I was drugging him when he was manic with a severe UTI. He’s supposedly still manic but otherwise healthy. I am disturbed and disgusted after that. They have him completely cut off from the outside world, they took his phone, his car keys, and put him inpatient. No one knew where he was until I did some digging around to find him. He was so delirious that he has no idea what’s going on. My most recent memory of him is him crying confused and wanting to hold my hand.
This completely broke something in me. I haven’t spoken with him and I can’t bring myself to call him. I just want to die. My brain was rewriting memories that had him in then without him and it’s killing me mentally. I don’t want to live anymore. This is the closest I’ve been to successfully attempting and I almost wish I didn’t call and ambulance for myself after I took a months worth of meds. I don’t want to live and suffer anymore. I have great goals but I can never achieve them and without my lover life simply doesn’t feel worth it. I can’t have any kind of hope anymore. I can’t do anything other than want to die. I don’t know what to do other than go inpatient for the third time this year which is already the plan from here. I’m so sick of it.

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Hello @StHaTaDi-Ethan

I’m so sorry that you have both gone through this level of trauma. I can’t imagine how much you’ve gone through. I’m glad you are still around. I know you might not feel that way right now. I can tell you are a highly empathetic person and care so deeply for your partner. Please try to stay strong for yourself and for them too. I hope you both get the help needed to be able to support each other.

<3 Take care <3/Mish

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi @StHaTaDi-Ethan It’s been around 6hrs since you posted. I’m wondering how you are? I know you feel like you shouldn’t have called the ambulance, but something inside of you compelled you to. I did the same thing when I had my 2nd attempt. I think the instinct (not my emotions/feelings) to live or protect myself kicked in and I called for help. It would have been so easy to just let myself go, but I didn’t. You didn’t either and I’m happy that you listened to your instincts. I hope that you decide to do inpatient and I hope that you are ok. you are loved. ~Mystrose

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From: twixremix

hi ethan,

thank you for opening up about this traumatic time in your life. i need to start by saying that i’m thankful that you are here and that you did call that ambulance. if you think inpatient care is your best option to be helped in order to achieve those goals you mentioned, and even if it’s the 3rd time this year, then inpatient is the path you need to pursue.

from what you shared, it’s understandable that something broke within you. it’s evident that there is a strong bond between you and your fiance, where life without him isn’t worth it. sending you both so much love and comfort as you each heal individually from this experience. i know and fully believe that you will achieve the goals you are set on, to live a life you love surrounded by those who love you and who you love, and that you have immense value to your loved ones, this community, and this world. please stick around and keep fighting, my friend, and know that your heartsupport community is here for you always no matter what. hope to hear from you soon and please reach out if there’s anything we can help you with.

love,
twix

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, friend! Thank you for sharing with us. And I hope to read many more posts from you in the future.

What I see if that you want to be here and get better because you called the ambulance for yourself and you go to inpatient care even if it doesn’t seem to help you long term. I’m glad you are here and telling us your story.

Keep fighting, friend. You matter and you are loved :hrtlegolove:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you so much for posting, I am so very sorry that this is happening to you and you fiance. It all sounds so very cruel and unfair that all of this is being piled on you its no wonder that you are suffering so much. Im desperately sorry you got to that point where you felt the need to take all the medication but thank you for making that call to the ambulance service, I would encourage you to please go back into inpatient again and get the help that you need to make you better so that you are strong enough for yourself and your fiance, as you say, you have great goals and you deserve to live those goals. But right now you have some mending to do. please get well and stay in touch with us if you wish and let us know how you are doing. im sending you love and best wishes. Much Love Lisa xx

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