I’ve posted about this before, but it is still just eating at me. I have no one physically. It is nice to have people on the internet care. But when no one in person cares it makes you feel like it is all a joke, like everything that was said online was for nothing because lets face it. You never meet these people, so you are either stuck alone still or stuck around people who do nothing but tear you down. I am so fucking sick and tired of never mattering. Yeah the nice responses help for a second here, but it does nothing to help when you get back to reality. I can’t make friends easily much less anything more serious. People want you to get your shit together before you bring others into your life. And I get that, I get that you need to be able to enjoy life alone and be happy alone first. And I can do that. What I can’t do is keep my mind positive when it has been drilled into my head that I am ugly and a piece of shit and too weird for most people. Everyone tries to change me, I’m not what is expected by society, I don’t follow the norm. Since I last posted here I have started struggling with suicidal thoughts going from maybe 1 a month to non stop all day, because at 31 I am sick and tired of being nothing. Sick and tired of being the first to try to help and the first to be shit on. I can’t even talk to my brother anymore because it hurts him and at this point whats left of my family is just waiting for me to give up and kill myself, because there is nothing they can say to help. My brother has had females interested in him since he was a kid. I grew up the ugly and deformed one, because of a cleft lip, that was much more visible as a child. Barely visible now, it already did the damage and left its mark. I really wish I wasn’t a bitch, because I want this all to end. I am just not capable of anymore suicide attempts.
I don’t have words to encourage you. I’m sorry. Being alone in bad seasons are terrible. I go through the same thing from time to time.
I can see that you have a lot of wisdom related to being alone, but that doesn’t make it easy. I suspect that for all your life, you have been around people who have either deliberately or stupidly conditioned you to have a negative self image. That is really hard to get past, and you might always be more susceptible to other people’s judgmental comments.
Of course, I have not seen you, but I have a really strong hunch that you’re not ugly, in fact there are those who would find you beautiful, even if you don’t fit the “breed standard,” that society believes is ideal.
Being weird is an asset! I didn’t like being weird, but as I got older, I changed my mind about that. Now I am unapologetically grateful that I am weird. My weirdness helped me grow in maturity at an early age. I was grateful to be free of the materialism, vanity, and shallowness of my peers. I saw how people brought suffering upon themselves because of their egos.
“Everyone” tries to change you because your freedom of thought makes them uncomfortable. They can’t figure you out, because your thought process is advanced.
Ignore their attempts to bring you down, judge you, or change you. They don’t know what the hell they are talking about. You can’t gain strength or heal if you let them beat you up.
It would be much better if we could be in the same room with each other. It might help to remember that behind the text on the screen are warm and feeling individuals who are willing to care about you.
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