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Belongs to: Therapist experiences PinkFloyd for the first time. (Comfortably Numb)
so disappointing to wake up every day and realize I am still alive. I want to be permanently numb.
I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with those feelings, friend. It’s so painful to wake up every day feeling stuck and trapped in a life you don’t want to keep living. You open your eyes and feel all the disappointment and heaviness carried from one day to another. Realizing you have to face another day feels like an insurmountable task, and something that keeps you even further away from life itself.Morning brings not hope but a deep, exhausting dread. It’s like being caught in a loop where there’s no escape and each day is just another reminder of the pain you’re carrying.
Wanting to be permanently numb makes completely sense, friend. When the pain becomes too much, the idea of just not feeling anything anymore seems like the only relief possible. Not having to deal with healing, not having to face the pain or work through it - just a blank page, nothing, a possibility for peace when it feels like there’s chaos in your mind. Your mind is searching for some way to turn off all the hurt, all the heaviness, because it’s just too overwhelming. The desire to escape, to find peace in the absence of feeling, makes sense when the alternative you see in front of you is living with a pain that never seems to end.
I can personally relate to what you’re going through, through my own experiences of course. I’ve had, and still, my share battles with depression and c-PTSD. Through it, there’s been seasons when everything felt so heavy that even getting out of bed seemed like an impossible task. There were times when I wished for that same numbness, that same relief, just to get a break from the constant sorrow and heaviness inside. It’s a place that feels so lonely and I know how hard it can be to believe that things can ever get better when you’re in the middle of it. It feels, genuinely, like there is just no way out. Even though it’s hard to see it right now, I want you to know that you’re not alone in feeling this way, and there is hope in the midst of this darkness.
When we’re in deep pain, it’s like our vision becomes clouded or tunnel-visioned, making it almost impossible to see anything beyond the hurt we’re experiencing in the moment. The pain creates a fog that blocks out any light, making it hard to believe that things could ever be different or better. Even though it might feel endless right now, I assure you that this fog isn’t meant to last forever. You are not meant to remain stuck in a place of pain day in day out. There are still moments of clarity, of light, that can eventually break through. You will make it through, my friend. You will rise again from this darkness and have the possibility, one day, to look behind you and see how much you have grown and healed. Until then, you certainly have friends by your side right here at Heartsupport. And if you would like to share about what your own pain and journey is made of, we’d love to listen. 
You matter, friend. Hold Fast.
-Marie-Anne