Hey everybody…I’m in a real low spot right now…
I just moved into my new apartment, right…? Nicest place I’ve ever lived, it’s great…
But I’m just as depressed as before, if not more so…I actually miss that shitty little apartment with my ex…
I guess what I miss is what it was, and what it could have been…
I’m supposed to be thrilled, right…? Brand new apartment, new lease on life, all that…but I don’t feel anything even remotely like that…I just wanna cry…
It feels like I’ve lost everything, and now all I’m doing is trying to fill the void with this nice, big apartment…I know objectively it’s a better place to be, that it was a good decision to move out of the place my ex literally decorated, and it’ll be great for my dog Stella too…
But all I wanna do is cry, man…I’ve lost everything I ever wanted, found all the darkest baggage in myself that I never really wanted to acknowledge, and now it’s either smoke myself into autopilot just to get through the day, or be in absolute emotional torture at the loss of the future I wanted to make with her…
I really did want that with her…I proposed, gave her my dads ring he gave to my mom 25 years ago…she actually said yes, and we were planning the wedding and EVERYTHING…and I squandered it all…I have no idea how I’m gonna just…just pick up and keep going forward…it all hurts so much, and now I have all these responsibilities of getting the apartment shit sorted out, helping my ex get her stuff out the old place…meaning I have to see her, one on one, and just NOT cry my eyes out and beg her to come back…
It’s just not fair…I’m so fucking sad…I’m so tired…I’m so angry…
I guess this is just my life now…