Thank you so much for being here. I have to say that I really appreciate your honesty and a lot of the things you describe resonates with my own heart right now.
You don’t live on benefits, you ‘exist’. I can’t sit there and make stories up to make myself appear normal and others feel comfortable, and nobody wants to hear the truth.
You’ve been honest here. You’ve been sharing about your situation and what’s on your heart. Personally, I’m not ashamed by any of the things you said. Actually, I’m glad to hear your voice - even if it’s only through written words. You have a lot to say and I think it’s both important 1/ to say those things, and 2/ to have people around you who truly listen. You are not ignored right now. You are not rejected right here for the things you can’t do. There’s only a huge amount of care and love.
I’m sorry you’ve been disappointed by people before. By people who seemed to be “friends” but weren’t really. By people who reflected on you some kind of lack of interest for you, as an individual. Though I can assure you that not everyone is like this. Not everyone values someone through their accomplishments - or even their capacity to work. You are you. You are enough as you are. I know it’s a weird concept when we’ve been living for a long time with the idea that our worth is defined by external things, but it really is an interesting thought to challenge, and this community is a good place to do so.
I hear you, Nikki. I hear that you feel like you’re not really an accomplished adult because there are things you missed and things you couldn’t access too. And yes, it’s heartbreaking to see how much people can judge each other through what’s consider as being “essential”, such as working. But did other people follow your path? Do they know what you’ve been through and how hard it is, not just to battle a depression, but also with people’s judgment? They probably didn’t see that through you, for many different reasons. But I see you right now. And I don’t see someone weak or inferior to anyone else. I see someone who’s been brave enough to fight for the breath they got in their lungs for several decades. As someone who also struggle with depression, anxiety and complex trauma, I can assure you that I see your efforts, and I understand. Your efforts don’t have to fit in anyone else’s criteria. It’s yours. You’ve named your own demons. You’re fully aware of how our world and society functions, how many injustices there are, especially when you don’t really “fit” in the mold. But none of this would make you a failure or wrong for being.
If there has to be a place where people will always be willing to hear your truth, then you can count on this community. I’m glad you’re here, and I’m glad you share all of this.
In a way, i feel like I never really evolved into an adult because of this barrier I have. My life sort of stopped when I was a teenager. I get extremely anxious going out anywhere because if anything bad happened, I would not be able to physically ask a person for help. Anything involving a telephone is out. I was the one who would rather skip classes in school than get up and talk in front of the class.
Oh man, I feel like this is a description of my own years spent at school - and even as an adult. I’m currently unemployed, but in my previous work I never mentioned how stressful it was for me to pick up the phone and make a call. Anytime I can get an appointment through emails, I use that option. And years at school were a nightmare. I was called the “ghost kid” by a teacher because I never dared to participate in any class. I’d avoid some oral presentations and even invent some lies to have an excuse, because the amount of stress felt unbearable. Hell, I even got worried for oral exams that wouldn’t happen before X years!
The hardest part while dealing with all of this is feeling alone and like there’s something wrong with us. But the truth is that there are more people who share those struggles than we can imagine. The thing is no one really talks about it, because it feels embarrassing. When you look how it seems easy for some people to do those “normal” things, there has to be something wrong about ourselves, right? Well, no. But it’s a vicious circle that I’ve been falling into, so many times. This is just how much anxiety sucks. It drains our energy again and again.
This is why sharing as you do is, indeed, brave, even if for you it doesn’t feel like this. Sharing and beinf vulnerable open doors, it creates new bonds with people who, just like me, relate to what you say. Knowing that we are not alone while leading our inner battles is a huge anchor for perseverance. You’ve been moving on for so long on your own. Know that you have friends right here to keep moving on with you.
I was met with the usual ridicule from my mother and worse from my father.
I’m sorry they reacted that way. As a child, you needed to be heard and understood. Even more when we’re anxious, we need to feel safe with people around us. You did the right thing by reaching out and explain how it felt for you. Their reaction was wrong and I’m aware that you know it already, but there was nothing ridiculous in what you were experiencing. Nothing ridiculous about you. I didn’t have any space with my parents to share about those things either. I was ashamed and internalized this feeling of being inherently embarrassing for so long. My heart goes out to you, to this little child that you were and who was only craving for some safety and reassurance.
I’m just stuck in limbo. I feel like I’m laying in a hospital bed trapped in a waking coma, observing everyone else passing me by living their life and not being able to participate in any way.
Yea, unfortunately that’s how it feels sometimes to deal with depression, and more generally with the feeling that there’s something wrong with you. It’s like having a constant veil between you and the rest of the world. Yours is on pause while others time keep going on like nothing. It creates this state of numbness when nothing really matters anymore, not even yourself.
You are not stuck though. Even if it’s been a long time that you’ve felt like this. And you didn’t just exist during those years. Being here is a first step, and a good one. You also mentioned seeing a bunch of therapists and tried different ways to help yourself. That’s not nothing or wasted in my book, even if it didn’t have the results you expected at the moment. May I ask what didn’t work? What makes you conclude that no one was listening to you? Unfortunately, it can take a lot of time before you find the right combination between a therapist/a type of therapy/even a medication. But it’s worth to persevere, because YOU are worth the efforts.
If you feel like you don’t have a place anywhere, know that you have a place right here and right now. No one is expecting you to be anyone else but you. And I hope that, by being here, you’ll receive the amount of love, understanding and support you might need to keep moving on. We’re stronger together. Thank you for opening that door to us here. It’s an honor and a privilege to see you here and to learn to know you.