So lost I don't even know where to start

I never learned how to get both feet on the ground. Everyone else seems to have a handbook on how to navigate life. Everything I do is wrong. Everything I say is wrong. There is just no place for me anywhere in society. I can’t support myself. I can’t have friendships. I can’t have a normal romantic/sexual relationship. There’s just this huge barrier between me and everyone else.

Apparently, I’ve had depression since I was 13 but it feels like there’s something else wrong with me and depression is just a symptom. I’ve just turned 40 and I’m completely worn out from pretending to be okay and try to fit in - I just can’t. I’ve seen every form of therapist available to me and been on so many different medications. Nobody is listening. I’m having to constantly live inside my own head, it’s my only escape. It’s made me numb. Funerals have come and gone and I feel nothing. Holidays come and go but they are meaningless. There’s no reason for me to get out of bed. There’s no reason for me to go to bed.

I hate how so many people are fake. I try to be genuine with people and it’s wrong. I try to be caring around people and it’s thrown back in my face. ‘Friends’ are only friends if they want something or they disappear if I need them. Be nice and you are punished. Be nasty to fit in and you are punished. I can’t be myself or express my true self in any way. It’s eating me up. I feel like I’m fading inside and losing the ability to really communicate. Not that it matters, nobody wants me to communicate. I don’t know if I’m going to end up dead or be placed inside a mental hospital. Does it even matter?


Your feelings matter and you matter. It’s amazing how much I can connect with this. I love that you value genuineness. I think our society lacks so much of it. Thank you for being so raw, real, and vulnerable. I’m so sorry that you feel that you feel that everything you’re doing is wrong. I don’t know you but I already know that you’re an amazing person. You are brave for sharing your struggles with strangers. You are resilient and you are strong. Life is so hard and I think it’s so easy to compare our lives with others, but know that everyone is on their own specific journey. I’ll be praying for you! When I had depression, I had to take it one day at a time. I found that talking to people, working, meditating, praying, reflecting, practicing mindfulness, exercises, doing things that I enjoy, and spending time with my loved ones slowly brought me out of it. I know there is no easy fix, but just know you are not alone. Thank you for sharing and please keep me updated!


Hey @Nikki, first of all welcome to the Heart Support community! I hope that you feel welcomed and loved and that this can be a space for you to be your full and complete self.

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through because that sounds incredibly difficult. I appreciate you being so vulnerable and open because that takes an incredible amount of strength and courage. Thank you so much for being here.

Although I have not gone through everything you are going through, I am constantly comparing myself to others and feel inadequate. I know how difficult of a headspace that can be to have that voice constantly telling you that you are worthless. Please know that you are not worthless. Something that has helped me is trying to show myself more grace for my mistakes and realizing that my identity is not those mistakes.

I am sorry that you cannot be genuine with your friends, but you are welcome here at any time and we want you to communicate. Community has been incredibly beneficial for me, so I hope it can be for you too.

Feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to just listen to what is going on in your life.

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Thank you both for your kind replies and the warm welcome. I’m not sure if it’s bravery me coming here or just that I’m too mentally exhausted to worry about who hears about my problems. Or maybe I know other people have it far worse than me. On an intellectual level I know everyone’s problems have escalated in the past year. I’m sure many with mental health issues have become quite ill due to forced lock downs and isolation. What’s maddening to me is these people have been isolated long before the global crisis and resources will still not be allocated to them. Seeing all the corruption and apathy just adds to the misery.

Yes, it is easy to compare yourself to other people. I avoid social gatherings because I cannot join the conversation in any meaningful way. For example, it’s guaranteed somebody will ask about your work…I can’t hold down a job, I’ve been on financial support for most of my life. I was expected to go to college and beyond but I screwed up my education because of how I am. It’s painful to hear others talking about these things when I failed so badly. My funds are extremely limited so I can’t do holidays or a day out, so social events are out regardless. How can I sit there and talk about average things that everyone else takes for granted? I was stuck indoors long before this lock down. You don’t live on benefits, you ‘exist’. I can’t sit there and make stories up to make myself appear normal and others feel comfortable, and nobody wants to hear the truth.

In a way, i feel like I never really evolved into an adult because of this barrier I have. My life sort of stopped when I was a teenager. I get extremely anxious going out anywhere because if anything bad happened, I would not be able to physically ask a person for help. Anything involving a telephone is out. I was the one who would rather skip classes in school than get up and talk in front of the class. Others sensed my weakness and so there was bullying. I did try to explain to my parents what was going on with me, even that I would prefer death than face going back to school. I was met with the usual ridicule from my mother and worse from my father. Again, it’s awkward spending time around adults - even those younger than yourself - when you feel like a child.

Even now, I still can’t discuss certain things with my family. I’m just stuck in limbo. I feel like I’m laying in a hospital bed trapped in a waking coma, observing everyone else passing me by living their life and not being able to participate in any way. The worse part is that nobody cares enough to treat you or assist in pulling the plug. It’s difficult to find words to adequately describe a personal hell without sounding dramatic. Words are all I have, I can’t even cry about any of it any more.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ve said too much already. This is my first time in a community such as this and I have no idea if I’m making sense. I do know I have a tendency not to pick up on social cues so I apologize.

Hey guy’s, I have NO idea where to start but I do if that makes any sense. I’m grateful I’m alive but the thought of sucide is really comforting. I’m sounding a bit bipolar I know haha, but that’s not my diagnosis. I was diagnosed 2 years ago with PTSD, anixity and depression. That being said this is my first post for help from someone who knows exactly what I’m feeling. I think I’m in the right place. I’ve been sober for 23 years (I’m not here to beat the 12 step drum) but thankfully I’ve learned there’s problems other then addiction - hence the diagnosis. Man I have so much to share with a community that get’s it. @bbrandon, @Grace

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Hey @Nikki, thank you for the reply. No need to apologize because you make complete sense and feel free to talk a much as little as you would like. Thank you for being who you are.

If you don’t mind me asking, what is the reason for not being able to hold down a job? Is it the social aspect of it? Is the main driver that you felt like you could not be yourself in social situations? Sorry, don’t mean to pry, but also want to make sure I have a clear understanding so that I don’t assume anything.

I am sorry to hear about how your parents reacted to when you told them about these problems. You truly did not deserve that. You deserved support and understanding. I am so sorry that you do not have anyone in your life that cares enough to help you, but there are some pretty great people in this community that care about you and want to support you. I care and will try to help in any way I can.

There are also a lot of great resources at the link below that might be of some help:

That sounds like such a difficult headspace to be in, so I am sorry you have to endure that. I appreciate you being so genuine and real because I think that is something that our society lacks and it takes strength, so thank you. You are loved and you are not alone. Looking forward to your reply, so that we can talk more.

Hey @harry13, I’m grateful you are alive too! Thanks for being here and sharing. Are there certain questions or things you would like to discuss? Feel free to shoot me a direct message if you would like as I would love to talk more.

Hey @bbradon3, thanks for getting back to me. I’ve been surrounded by awesome people both in and out of recovery including 2 therapists and 2 psychiatrist so I’m constantly reminded to keep fighting. However, I’m tired. Both body and mind are completely defeated most days. Most of my recovery support don’t really understand mental illness so I have no where to share. It’s not about the addiction at this point. I don’t want to relive that life and have constant reminders of why I’m sober. So I guess what I may need is someone I can actually talk to about sucide, depression & Anixity. Not to worry, sucide has been a daily thought for the last 35 years. Let me know when you have some time man, I’d appreciate it. I mentioned the recovery piece because it saved my life. I’m not a 12 step preacher, just grateful my mentors explained that there are problems other then addiction. After 23 years of sobriety I’ve hit this emotional bottom after being diagnosed with PTSD. Crazy story man, I almost have to chuckle. Peace - Harry

Hey @Nikki,

Thank you so much for being here. I have to say that I really appreciate your honesty and a lot of the things you describe resonates with my own heart right now.

You don’t live on benefits, you ‘exist’. I can’t sit there and make stories up to make myself appear normal and others feel comfortable, and nobody wants to hear the truth.

You’ve been honest here. You’ve been sharing about your situation and what’s on your heart. Personally, I’m not ashamed by any of the things you said. Actually, I’m glad to hear your voice - even if it’s only through written words. You have a lot to say and I think it’s both important 1/ to say those things, and 2/ to have people around you who truly listen. You are not ignored right now. You are not rejected right here for the things you can’t do. There’s only a huge amount of care and love.

I’m sorry you’ve been disappointed by people before. By people who seemed to be “friends” but weren’t really. By people who reflected on you some kind of lack of interest for you, as an individual. Though I can assure you that not everyone is like this. Not everyone values someone through their accomplishments - or even their capacity to work. You are you. You are enough as you are. I know it’s a weird concept when we’ve been living for a long time with the idea that our worth is defined by external things, but it really is an interesting thought to challenge, and this community is a good place to do so.

I hear you, Nikki. I hear that you feel like you’re not really an accomplished adult because there are things you missed and things you couldn’t access too. And yes, it’s heartbreaking to see how much people can judge each other through what’s consider as being “essential”, such as working. But did other people follow your path? Do they know what you’ve been through and how hard it is, not just to battle a depression, but also with people’s judgment? They probably didn’t see that through you, for many different reasons. But I see you right now. And I don’t see someone weak or inferior to anyone else. I see someone who’s been brave enough to fight for the breath they got in their lungs for several decades. As someone who also struggle with depression, anxiety and complex trauma, I can assure you that I see your efforts, and I understand. Your efforts don’t have to fit in anyone else’s criteria. It’s yours. You’ve named your own demons. You’re fully aware of how our world and society functions, how many injustices there are, especially when you don’t really “fit” in the mold. But none of this would make you a failure or wrong for being.

If there has to be a place where people will always be willing to hear your truth, then you can count on this community. I’m glad you’re here, and I’m glad you share all of this.

In a way, i feel like I never really evolved into an adult because of this barrier I have. My life sort of stopped when I was a teenager. I get extremely anxious going out anywhere because if anything bad happened, I would not be able to physically ask a person for help. Anything involving a telephone is out. I was the one who would rather skip classes in school than get up and talk in front of the class.

Oh man, I feel like this is a description of my own years spent at school - and even as an adult. I’m currently unemployed, but in my previous work I never mentioned how stressful it was for me to pick up the phone and make a call. Anytime I can get an appointment through emails, I use that option. And years at school were a nightmare. I was called the “ghost kid” by a teacher because I never dared to participate in any class. I’d avoid some oral presentations and even invent some lies to have an excuse, because the amount of stress felt unbearable. Hell, I even got worried for oral exams that wouldn’t happen before X years!

The hardest part while dealing with all of this is feeling alone and like there’s something wrong with us. But the truth is that there are more people who share those struggles than we can imagine. The thing is no one really talks about it, because it feels embarrassing. When you look how it seems easy for some people to do those “normal” things, there has to be something wrong about ourselves, right? Well, no. But it’s a vicious circle that I’ve been falling into, so many times. This is just how much anxiety sucks. It drains our energy again and again.

This is why sharing as you do is, indeed, brave, even if for you it doesn’t feel like this. Sharing and beinf vulnerable open doors, it creates new bonds with people who, just like me, relate to what you say. Knowing that we are not alone while leading our inner battles is a huge anchor for perseverance. You’ve been moving on for so long on your own. Know that you have friends right here to keep moving on with you.

I was met with the usual ridicule from my mother and worse from my father.

I’m sorry they reacted that way. As a child, you needed to be heard and understood. Even more when we’re anxious, we need to feel safe with people around us. You did the right thing by reaching out and explain how it felt for you. Their reaction was wrong and I’m aware that you know it already, but there was nothing ridiculous in what you were experiencing. Nothing ridiculous about you. I didn’t have any space with my parents to share about those things either. I was ashamed and internalized this feeling of being inherently embarrassing for so long. My heart goes out to you, to this little child that you were and who was only craving for some safety and reassurance.

I’m just stuck in limbo. I feel like I’m laying in a hospital bed trapped in a waking coma, observing everyone else passing me by living their life and not being able to participate in any way.

Yea, unfortunately that’s how it feels sometimes to deal with depression, and more generally with the feeling that there’s something wrong with you. It’s like having a constant veil between you and the rest of the world. Yours is on pause while others time keep going on like nothing. It creates this state of numbness when nothing really matters anymore, not even yourself.

You are not stuck though. Even if it’s been a long time that you’ve felt like this. And you didn’t just exist during those years. Being here is a first step, and a good one. You also mentioned seeing a bunch of therapists and tried different ways to help yourself. That’s not nothing or wasted in my book, even if it didn’t have the results you expected at the moment. May I ask what didn’t work? What makes you conclude that no one was listening to you? Unfortunately, it can take a lot of time before you find the right combination between a therapist/a type of therapy/even a medication. But it’s worth to persevere, because YOU are worth the efforts.

If you feel like you don’t have a place anywhere, know that you have a place right here and right now. No one is expecting you to be anyone else but you. And I hope that, by being here, you’ll receive the amount of love, understanding and support you might need to keep moving on. We’re stronger together. Thank you for opening that door to us here. It’s an honor and a privilege to see you here and to learn to know you.


Hey @harry13, thank you so much for sharing and being here. I see that you’ve opened another topic and I’d suggest you to keep the conversation about your own issues/journey there (Anxiety, Depression, PTSD and Sobriety), so it doesn’t divert from Nikki’s topic here.

Of course, you are also free to directly participate to the conversation here as well! It’s only to make sure that everyone receives proper support and conversations don’t get lost. Your trust and vulnerability is truly appreciated - thank you again.

@bbrandon3 @Grace ^^^^

Thanks for your understanding!

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I’m sorry, @bbrandon3, I’m not sure I can really answer your questions right now. I’ve been struggling for several days now and I feel like my head is going to implode. I feel like the people around me who are supposed to love me the most, just don’t. No matter what I say or do, they do not take my pain seriously. I’m pretty much just left in a room to rot. How blunt do I have to be? How much do I have to scream? It’s like there’s no point in me using my real voice any more.

If I can’t connect to anything or anybody, how am I supposed to keep going? I just want some relief. Pills don’t work, I’m not into alcohol or anything else. I’ve never called suicide hotlines. It’s hard enough putting thoughts into text, let alone trying to form them into coherent conversation.

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Nikki, I’m so sorry you’re in this spot and can identify 100%. If you’d like to chat let me know.

Peace & Love

@nikki I totally get it Nikki. No one understands me except the mental health community and that’s awesome and all but who understands other then people just like you? I have 2 therapists and 2 psychiatrists. The EMDR therapist refuses to start the EMDR process because it can be too dangerous due to flashbacks. This being said, it doesn’t matter who I compare myself too - Our stories are ours. No one suffers from our pain, but having people like you and this community will help me and you get it out. Id doesn’t matter how you sound. I’ve always thought sucide was the answer and most people don’t wake up thinking “this is a great day to jump off a bridge”. However I found something that helps me. Gratitude for my son. How disappointed would he be? You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re doing everything right. I really don’t want to end my life but I really cant handle feeling this way. Keep sharing - Keep hope that this WILL change.

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Hey @Nikki, no worries at all. Again, I am so sorry to hear about your struggles and that you feel like you don’t have people in your life to support you through that. That is so tough. Please know that I am here as well as this community if you need to talk to someone because we care for you and want the best for you. You are not alone.

I know that you said you have never called a suicide hotline, but there is also a chat room option if it easier to form your thoughts that way (I know both are difficult) and this might be a good option. Link is below:

National suicide prevention chat -

Again, thank you so much for being here and being so real. We are here for you if you ever need to talk or someone to connect with. This community has been great for me so I hope it can do the same for you.

Hi Nikki! I had my first brain tumor when I was 2 and had a recurrence at age 12. I’ve been an outsider my whole life. I too am on disability. I couldn’t hold a job because of my impulse control issues from brain damage. It also has made relationships and friendships all but impossible for me. I lost my best friend to cancer and haven’t found any meaningful friendships since. Though recently I have made some small progress in that respect.

It’s like life is permanently on hold. Any of the dreams for my life when I was a kid are dead.

All that being said…I’ve discovered some freedom in living on disability. I’m able to raise this new puppy we have which not only makes me feel much less lonely but also accomplished. I have time to find hobbies (though money is obviously an issue). It’s not ideal, but I’ve been trying really hard to accept my situation and set new goals that are more realistic. I go out and try to meet my heroes at comic con type conventions. I’m not sure it’s entirely healthy but I often reflect back on those interactions to give me some hope when I’m feeling down. The majority have been very positive. And i made two friends who live far away but I still keep in touch with.

If you ever feel like talking Itd be nice to have someone whose going through similar things like I am to talk to. Even if you just need a sounding board or someone to vent to. I’m here!


I’m a bit overwhelmed by the replies here and not sure how to respond. It’s hard to relate. On the one hand I can’t see me trying suicide because I’m actually afraid of death and I’m not religious at all. I don’t have children or anyone depending on me to keep going. Nobody needs me. I don’t have a purpose. I know many people have lost their jobs and I can’t even imagine being in a normal work environment, with colleagues and schedules, etc. I don’t even know what its like to drive a car, can’t just leave the house any time and drive somewhere to find some peace.

This is why I can’t be around people. I’ve always been completely separated from everything else in the world. Whenever I try talking to therapists/psychologists…or if I try a suicide hotline…I’m just going to get offered all these platitudes or asked these generic questions that I have no answers to. There’s just nothing there. Nothing applies to me. People want me to try different activities and I just don’t understand the appeal. I feel nothing and completely out of place when I do. I feel like I’m either not supposed to be on this planet, or in this timeline at all. There’s no place for me here. I just don’t get it. All I know is being here day after day, stuck in a tiny room because I have nowhere to go, nobody to see, and no motivation for anything because I feel nothing, is just pure torture.


Hey @Nikki,

I’m sorry you were feeling overwhelmed by the replies. We have an awesome community here with people who genuinely care. It only comes from a place of love, but I understand. It’s already draining to open your heart, it’s also exhausting to process what is said through the conversations. Know that it’s always okay to take your time to read or respond. Sharing is for you, and there’s no pressure added on your shoulders right here. The door is always open.

Nobody needs me. I don’t have a purpose.

I think this is a very painful thought that depresion often creates and nourrish. It’s like being aware of things that are true, but having wrong conclusions about it. For example: ultimately, we’re all alone. Our experiences and the way we navigate in this world are uniquely ours. But it doesn’t mean that we are worthless. And it doesn’t mean that our actions don’t have an impact, whether it’s positive or negative.

I hear you and I understand how it feels to have this kind of veil between you and the rest of the world. Feeling alienated can be hard to perceive as such: a feeling. Yet you are able to name your experience right now, and that’s really important. It means you can learn to step away from that veil, to create meaningful connections, at your own pace. And even if the different strategies and resources you used before didn’t give the result you expected, you still have breath in your lungs. You are worth those efforts you’ve been dedicating for so long in order to live fully.

I know many people have lost their jobs and I can’t even imagine being in a normal work environment, with colleagues and schedules, etc. I don’t even know what its like to drive a car, can’t just leave the house any time and drive somewhere to find some peace.

Those are some elements that our society presents as being the standard for everyone. But what about you? What is your heart up to? A huge part of my own struggles with depression is to compare myself with the life I should have. I should be able to work. I should be able to feel better. I should be able to socialize without being afraid of it. But all of those “should” are destructive. For example, I have health issues that prevent me to explore some passions and be physically active. It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that I’ll probably never be able to do some specific things again. Yet if I keep looking after what I can’t access to, right now, I set myself for drowning in despair.

It’s a little bit like expecting to walk while having a leg broken. It’s not your fault if you can’t walk. It doesn’t make you guilty, wrong or weird. It only shifts your reality and your opportunities, which are not less, but different. There is a part of grief through all of this, friend. But that grief can be healing, as it would help you learn to be more you and not the hypothetical you that you’ve been missing and wish you could run after. You are not less than anyone on this messy planet. We’re all carrying our burdens and hidden scars. And we all have a heart and a soul that are worth living for.

People want me to try different activities and I just don’t understand the appeal. I feel nothing and completely out of place when I do.

Again, being numb and feeling disconnected is a symptom. A symptom that is worth to keep working on, even when it feels like it’s useless and doesn’t make any sense. Feeling numb is a real struggle. Having zero motivation and appeal for anything as well. It creates this vicious cycle when trying is incredibly difficult. If you can’t appreciate what you’re doing, then why not just stop, right? You are right, it is pure torture to feel like this. But we are also not our best friends or counselors when we’re stuck in this loop. It’s important to have people who can remind us what could be good for us, but also just that we are seen, heard, and loved.

You matter Nikki. Don’t let this veil convice you that you don’t belong. Because you belong, even if it’s hard to see it right now.


The last few days have been a bit difficult, all sorts of thoughts to work through. I think I’m a bit more centered today so I will try and share more, maybe it will answer some of your earlier questions @bbrandon3. This is probably going to be long and dull but I think I need to build up a narrative here for better understanding. Apologies in advance.

I’ve always felt there was something a bit different about me. Being an 80s child, I was always outside playing as a child. There were tons of local kids I used to hang around with but for some reason, their parents did not like me. When I was in primary school, I tended to misinterpret instructions from teachers and would get into a heap of trouble. Whenever we had to write a story in class I always ended up writing more than everyone else and was always laughed at (most would write around 4x A4 pages, I’d end up with anything from 20-30). This is probably my own fault for reading a lot of books. While I was at home, my father would make fun of me all the time for various things. I couldn’t handle people teasing me at all, he would just scold me for being ‘over sensitive’.

In secondary school, I was placed in all the top classes for the ‘brightest’ kids, I was expected to go to college followed by university. This was initially great from my perspective because at the risk of sounding arrogant or pretentious, I did have some idea of what I wanted to do with my life. When I was five years old I saw my first dinosaur skeleton and I decided right there I was going to be a paleontologist, or at least work in a museum in some fashion. If not that, I badly wanted to be a writer. I even set goals, like what subjects would I need to focus on to get there.

Unfortunately, all of the above had already built up my paranoia and anxiety to a degree where I was literally scared to do anything in front of anyone. I didn’t want people to see what books I was reading or hear what music I liked. I didn’t want to speak my opinions in class. When the bullying started I just didn’t want people to see me full stop because I was certain I’d be laughed at for something I couldn’t see was abnormal. I didn’t have anyone to tell me what I was doing wrong, (or not doing wrong) not even at home. I had to hide myself there a lot too. When the career councilors came along, I wasn’t there because I started missing classes. To be honest, I doubt I would have had the courage to talk to them anyway.

I ended up skipping school altogether, for weeks at a time. I just couldn’t face being judged constantly. My new goal in life was to just avoid everyone. Unsurprisingly, I failed almost all my classes at graduation because I didn’t attend. The only one I barely passed were my two English subjects - likely because I was used to studying stories, and for some odd reason that teacher took pity on me and actually set me up with a bunch of work to try and catch up near the end. Many of my other teachers accused me of doing drugs because it was ‘weird’ that I told them I skipped school to read books somewhere else. No teenager would ever do that, right? That’s obviously me just covering for drugs - my naturally pale complexion didn’t help my case. My parents got contacted but I’ve already said what their reaction was.

I did attempt going to college despite taunts from my father that I wouldn’t be able to do it, I was too stupid. Now college was a completely different playing field. Everyone was super nice to me, teachers and fellow students alike, and it was a relaxed atmosphere. I was given the option to fill the gaps in my education so I could eventually take higher courses. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was way behind emotionally, that I was still completely inadequate. I did get involved with a guy at that age but he messed me up even more. That’s a level of pain I’m not going to get into on this post. So guess what…I avoided college.

My depression was now in full swing, I would basically stay in my room or in bed for months. My father started dragging me to the local job center to sign for weekly payments. He told me if I didn’t get a job then I would end up on the street. I was forced to take dead end jobs to get him off my back. Things just got progressively worse. People at work would openly mock me while I was in the room. I got sexually harassed in more than one workplace. I just stopped going to work. I ended up going to a ‘friend’s’ house a lot in the evenings to avoid being at home. I got into several toxic and potentially dangerous situations, yes there was more sexual assault involved, but I was at the stage that I just didn’t care. It’s wasn’t as if I could really tell anyone or have anyone believe me, and my life was never going to get anywhere due to my fuck-ups. Things came to a head when yet again, I didn’t handle a situation like a normal person would have and my father physically threatened me, said he would strangle me if I didn’t tell him ‘the truth’. I already had done several times but he just thought my answer was stupid. When he pushed me down, I got up and left the house. He wouldn’t let me pack a bag.

So in answer to your questions @bbrandon3, I couldn’t hold down a job because I couldn’t stop feeling like a stupid child who didn’t know how to be an adult. I can’t really express how soul crushing it to have to force yourself to do mindless work when on top of everything else, and feeling like a failure on all fronts, your mind is constantly thinking in overdrive about how you shouldn’t be in this situation, you’re supposed to be doing something better. Yet you know you’re not capable of doing anything else because you’re convinced there’s something wrong with your brain. I never held jobs for long because eventually I would end up just sitting somewhere in a catatonic state because I was overwhelmed with guilt, assuming that I went into work.

I’m sure I’m not the only person to have felt this way but society forces you to conform. I was always being bullied for not being interested in what everyone else was doing, for being different. I could never invent a mask like everyone else did to fit in. This seems to be essential for all work and social situations So I just had to keep hiding or running away like a coward. I don’t know how to reach a place where I can support myself. It always feels like everyone else has some idea of what to do, even if they have their own problems. Someone forgot to give me a handbook, guess I was absent that day as well. I just haven’t evolved at all and if it wasn’t for government handouts, I’d probably be dead now.

@Micro I haven’t been blind to your presence. I’ve greatly appreciated your responses to my posts. But sadly, I’ve written far too much here already and there’s just so much going on in my head. Please don’t think I’ve been ignoring you, far from it.


Hey @harry13. I know you’re not here to talk about step work, but I’m curious: are you tired of step work in general, or just the addiction-specific group(s) you’re in? I can understand feeling stuck when you’ve been doing something therapeutic for so long that it just becomes part of the routine. I ask because there are non-specific, bring-your-own-issues step groups you might look into if you haven’t already. The biggest one I know of is Celebrate Recovery. I just went through a similar one, and it really helped me out even though I didn’t dive in with both feet. Just food for thought about a fresh take on an old recovery routine.

Glad you’re here btw!

Hey @Nikki, apologize for taking so long to reply, but thank you so much for sharing. Once again, your strength and vulnerability is inspiring. Really appreciate you sharing in detail because I know that takes a lot of energy and can be difficult. Sorry if I overwhelmed you with the responses or questions, but was just trying to learn a little bit more about your story. Please know that it came from a place of love. Please don’t feel any pressure at all to respond to this, but just wanted you to know that I read your reply and wrote a little bit below about some of my thoughts.

Again, I am so sorry to hear about the experiences you have gone through because that sounds so tough. I feel like the experiences we have growing up have a huge impact on the behaviors we form for the rest of our lives, so being bullied and teased is so tough. I am so sorry. You did not deserve that. I don’t fully understand society and why certain people are bullied over others or why certain things are considered “normal”, but please know that that was more of an indication of who they are and nothing to do with who you are. I am so sorry to hear about how your father treated you. Family is supposed to support us and care for us, but it sounds to me like you did not have that and had to face a lot of that alone. You are incredibly strong for going through everything you have gone through and coming out on top. I have a bit of anxiety in my life and know how paralyzing and mentally draining that can be, so can’t imagine what you go through on a day-to-day basis. Something I try to do is realize that my identity is not found in what other people think of me. This can be really difficult to actually implement, but has been incredibly freeing for me.

Not sure if it helps, but just so you know I am an “adult” that has a job and I still feel dumb and unqualified all the time. I would wager that a lot of people feel this way if they were honest. Yes, I know what you mean about that vicious cycle of guilt just making things worse. If I make a mistake, I feel like I have no worth and let everyone down especially myself and that can be the worst feeling. I think that it is important to have grace for ourselves and that can sometimes be the hardest person to have grace for. Please have some grace for yourself. You have gone through so much. Something that has helped me with my mistakes is realizing the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is feeling bad for making a mistake and shame is thinking you are the mistake. You are not a mistake. I know it can be easy to think that, but please know that you are not. That is not your identity.

I know that you mentioned you liked writing and dinosaurs. Is that still something you enjoy doing? I know for me, doing some of the activities I am passionate about really help me and can help me get out of my mind.

I’m not going to pretend I have all of the answers, but just wanted to share a little bit about things that have helped me and wanted you to know that I am here for you to listen and to care. This community is here for you and we want you here because we believe that you have purpose and value. Thank you for being you and thank you fo being in this world. It is better because of it.

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