So Quick to Jump to Conclusions & The Price Pay

[grandmastrqueen]

So I am absolutely convinced that I am an asshole. I am dating this guy and I really don’t know where we are. We’ve talked about a relationship, but either one of us have set it in stone, I don’t think. Well a few nights ago him and I was texting and then all of a sudden it stopped. No response to any of my messages and it didn’t help that a small amount of money has gone missing from my home (my son lost ten dollars of his birthday money because he never thinks to put it away).

So of course I became frustrated after 3 days of absolutely no response. I have been left like that before without a word. I tried really hard not to assume that I was just used and dropped, but I couldn’t. My mind went straight there. I figured he picked up the ten dollars (which turns out it was just a coincidence), let me take him home, and then he ghosted me.

I didn’t want to do anything weird like drive by his home or send him ten thousand messages. I assumed it was over and since we only had been talking a few weeks, not to take it personal and that I could just go on with life. In the process of me “going on with life,” I received a text from an old friend and decided fuck it and had a one night stand. I knew that it was a bad choice, but it was the choice I made because technically my friend and I never declared ourselves in a relationship.

Well of fucking course he calls me the next day. I played the mad game trying to decide if I wanted to continue talking to him after what I did until he told me he had been in the psych ward and that why he hadn’t responded. Now I felt…still feel like an complete ass. I am so mad I jumped straight to the conclusion that he just stopped talking to me and of course in that time frame I went and did something as stupid as sleeping with an old friend. Well I know for a fact that the old friend isn’t going to message me until he wants sex again. Hell me may not message me ever again. But now I am stuck on stupid because I just jumped right into asshole mode.

My friend and I hung out last night, no naughty business, just provided him the comfort he needed after a visit to the psych floor. I mean I know, I’ve been there a billion times before. Of course, I am so not mentioning the one night stand with the old friend because this man is clearly going through something that he doesn’t want to talk about. I get it and I’m just trying to be there for him. I just feel bad about what I had done and what I had assumed. I keep asking myself am I really that damaged to do something like this?

I absolutely know for sure that in the future, my first step is to check the hospital, but now I just feel like I don’t deserve him and maybe I am better off alone. I feel completely selfish even sitting here typing this out sounding like a victim when I am not. I feel like shit…

[Micro]

Hey friend,

You were feeling really insecure. I know it’s not an excuse and, when we do something we regret we still have to learn to live with it and learn from it. But still, your reaction made sense. You didn’t have a one night stand with your old friend out of revenge or because you wanted to create hurt around you. It was because all your internal alarms were activated, and heck it’s hard to rationalize and calm down once we are in that emotional state. That’s how much fears, old wounds and anxiety suck. But that doesn’t make you a bad person undeserving of love, or good people. It only makes you human.

Because of my own insecurities, I too have reacted in ways sometimes that I regretted afterwards. It’s really, really hard to be in that mindset and start to tell ourselves; “okay, now I need to step back”, just because how we feel doesn’t go away suddenly. There’s this urge to do something when it feels like our internal is collapsing for some reason. It’s like being stuck over and over with pressuring thoughts that makes it hard to think clearly. And from what I read in your post, you really tried to rationalize the situation at first and not to jump to conclusions too quickly. The result is not the one you wanted, and I hear that now you feel guilty, but I believe there is some grace to give yourself because of the situation itself. You’re not an asshole. For you it was like being at the edge of a cliff for a couple of days and you did something that was needed for you to regain some control at the moment. As painful as it is, you will learn from what happened too.

I’m sending hugs your way. You are deserving of having a good relationship, friend. Just like you always have the right to share your heart here. I’m glad you did it.

[grandmastrqueen]

@Micro You have no idea how much your words mean to me and I definitely learned from this although I am sure this will not be my last overreaction of something. I am owning it. I messed up for sure, but it’s no need to discredit myself as an unworthy human being.

[Micro]

Hey friend, I’m glad if these words can be a bit uplifting. You truly are 10000% worthy of love and good things.

Maybe you’ll overreact in the future again, indeed, but it’s a work in progress. Each event like these are opportunities to better ourselves and work on our own vulnerability. It will never make you unlovable, weak or a horrible human being. I’m glad that’s a conclusion you can hold in your heart today, as it will help you to grow as well. Better doing it in a gentle, compassionate way. <3