So they're dating someone new

Hi guys,

It’s been a minute again, but I’ve fallen into a bit of a pit (again). I just found out via social media that my ex, whom I am still heartbroken over, has started dating someone else. They seem so, so happy together, and I imagine this person is giving my ex everything I couldn’t. It’s very difficult for me to cope right now, and I dont know what I’m supposed to do anymore. I feel like all the progress I’ve made in the last few months have been for nothing, and the age old question, “how could they move on so fast? Did I mean nothing to them?”

I’ve emailed my therapist and I’m planning to talk to a trusted pastor about this. I am not sure what to do… so if you guys have any advice, I’d appreciate it so much. I’m in a lot of emtional and mental distress right now.

Love,
Alex

8 Likes

Hey @Alex,

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through a rough season right now. Two words from your post caught my attention:

This is where the hard part kicks in (and something I also battle with to-date). I image, I guess, I assume = Scenarios that we make up in our head. Because we don’t have the hard facts of what’s really happening, it’s up to us to either degrade our mental stability by assuming they’re doing much better off, or instead, sustain our mental stability with more positive self-talk. For me, it took some hardcore training to rewire myself to view social media as a fairyland. In other words, no-one knows what’s really going on behind closed doors. Heck, I really got this lesson while I was following 2 good friends on Instagram: Both got married, and all of their posts seemed like the happiness couple in the world. I wanted to strive to be like them someday: Happy and secure. Fast-forward: Now they’re getting divorced. Regarding your ex and his new person, they’re also probably still in the honeymoon phase, so naturally they’d be posting all over social media about it. But I ask the question: What’s really going on behind closed doors?

I hope this helps! Hang in there. :slight_smile:

-Eric

5 Likes

The progress has helped you, otherwise you wouldn’t have identified it as progress. Being reminded of a loss, such as a broken relationship can temporarily feel like going back to square one, but you’ve already experienced a bit of life beyond the breakup, and remembering that can make the setback more survivable.

It sounds like you had strong feelings, perhaps much stronger than his were. However, moving on quickly is a common coping strategy, and isn’t in itself evidence of his not caring while you were together.

Truthfully, to what extent does their happiness need to affect your life?

A breakup leads to a grieving process, and it must run it’s course. Do your best not to let what’s happening with him make the process take longer than necessary.

3 Likes

Hi Alex,

I was married for almost 18yrs and after my divorce my xhusband found a girlfriend pretty fast. I was going thru a deep depression and barely surviving. It took me 2yrs to start dating again.

I think everyone deals with break ups differently and on their own time frame. I don’t think it means they didn’t care about you if they move on faster than you do at all. I know how hard it is to see them move on trust me, but also remember that you’ve broken up and they have to live their own life just like you do.

I hope you don’t let this set you back.

4 Likes

Dear Eric,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and just grounded response. Thank you for pointing out the “I imagine.” I didn’t notice I had done that. I guess I also don’t know what’s happening behind closed doors. It does seem, however, all my speculations keep “coming true” (friends telling me a break doesn’t mean a breakup but it did; she just needs some time turning into a month with minimal contact…). I think I might still be working through how I was broken up with; I hope that makes sense.

1 Like

Thank you, Wings. I’d like to think that I’m doing the “hard thing” and allowing myself to feel all the pain and emotions that come with a break up, rather than jumping in to another relationship. Thank you for your kind words. I must not speculate, seems to be the theme.

1 Like

Hi Mystrose,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. For me, it’s only 3 3/4 years of dating… so I cannot imagine 18 years of marriage and being hurt like that. Thank you for you empathy. I hope I don’t let it set me back too.

2 Likes

Also never believe what you see on social media. People create a version of themselves and their lives on there. don’t look at someone else’s pictures and use it to compare to your life.

You are awesome just as you are, and you matter. Your progress is yours, and all the healing you’ve done is yours and your victory. I’m proud of you for all the work you’ve done. It’ll get better, just hold on friend :slight_smile: You matter!

3 Likes

Thank you, Sita. It’s hard not to believe she’s finally met the one and is now living her life free, easy, and happy. I’m still just a crumbled mess, taking it hour by hour.

1 Like