Thank you all for reading, that means a lot to me.
Some of you may know me from the HeartSupport Twitch channel, which I have called my online home for a while now, but if you don’t know who I am… thank you for clicking this anyway. Your time is so valuable and I feel loved and privileged to have it. I have been absent from that space on and off since quarantine for my area started, primarily because of an uptick in responsibilities at work, but also because I have had limited emotional capacity, and it has been difficult to engage on the level I want to lately. That brings me to…
I am not alone, and I am safe.
While things have really gotten difficult for me, and I have regressed to dangerous behavior, I have a very lovely circle of people around me who have been checking in regularly (even though they are not aware of my struggles) and it has help keep me grounded. I do not speak about this regularly, and many of my close friends don’t really know or understand. Today, I had the urge to disclose to friends but so many of them are experiencing turmoil in their lives right now (my sister is moving, one friend has his first therapy session with a new provider today, and another is experiencing enormous financial complications) and I do not feel comfortable expressing my feelings to them right now. I trust them more than anything, but my experience in my friendships is that I am typically the one who counsels through issues, so it would not be easy for me to address my own struggles. I don’t feel badly about that, I just need to put it somewhere and I know I can count on my HeartSupport family to love and listen, without judgement, so here I am.
What am I struggling with?
I have been struggling with an eating disorder for almost 8 years. I have abused diet pills (and I am again) as well as restricted my food intake under the guise of healthy fasting, which I am relapsing into. I punish myself for eating, I take diet pills that cause my body distress, and I hate my body more than anything and will do extreme things to lose weight. Struggling with this type of issue is especially difficult now that I have far less eyes on me. Difficult in the way that, I can continue the behavior unnoticed for longer. I am validated in my feelings by not feeling confident (as a result of being isolated), practicing the behavior, and losing weight. I know if this continues, I will become more ill and it may lead to a more dangerous situation. I have been struggling with this for years, so I know the process to handle it, but it makes it easier to talk about it.
How can you help?
It is important for me to note that I am not asking for advice on how to fix my mental health, or on how to stop the behavior, as much as I know that all comes from a really genuine place. I just need to be heard. I feel very alone, and the situation at home with my husband is not good right now, so I do not feel like I can speak to him about it. I also do not know if he is currently capable of supporting me through this given his own situation. I feel isolated and I know I have so many people who care, I just need to be heard.
Love you guys.
Thank you for reading, and listening. It means a lot <3 You are not alone, if you are isolated and struggling. I am here for you, too. We all are.
If we could use discretion outside of this platform to talk about my struggles, and keep encouragement and support here or in private messages, I would so appreciate that. Thank you again for reading.
thank you for being here and reminding me how lucky I am.