Last year in December I went to the hospital after having a break down with anxiety and depression. It was a scary decision at the time and I didn’t have health insurance. I remember going in to the emergency room crying, talking about how I wanted to end things with myself. The hospital staff was really good to me. I thought they would look at me crazy but for once, people seemed compassionate.
The next morning they shipped me out to a psychiatric hospital where I stayed on the floor for those with depression. Some people were there by choice and others were not.
It was honestly nice to escape from the world for five days. It was also nice to be around people who understood exactly how I felt. The food was terrible but I didn’t mind eating in a lunch room with a bunch of people to talk to . The hospital didn’t allow visitors due to covid. My sister brought me clothes which the staff passed off to me, but my only interaction was through the phone. Again, I didn’t mind escaping everything and everyone. No one bothered me and it was nice.
I got lucky with having no insurance. The hospital signed me up for some and the state took care of things. I’m not sure I’d be that lucky again now that I have health insurance. It’s unfortunate that it costs so much to stay somewhere that’s supposed to stabilize you.
Anyways, I hate the holidays. I almost wish I could go back to the hospital just to escape for a little bit. It wasn’t a glamorous time but I just want to stop thinking about everything. Stop interacting with people who don’t understand for just a moment. Yes there are support groups, but it’s not the same.
I know it’s not the same but I wish I could take more mental health days for school. It does feel really comforting to detox interaction with people who judge you or put you down.
Oh my gosh I thought I was the only one that felt like this!! I was sectioned in 2009 and it felt like my safe space where I could disconnect from the world.
I’m glad it helped you too
I totally know what you’re talking about. I’ve been in the Garden (the name of my ward) a bunch of times. It helps you when someone takes care of you and you are seen and heard, isn’t it?
Missing that is absolutely understandable. It’s the reason why I’ve been unable to work for two years. The need for a pause button because everything was too much and was taking a toll on me that was too dangerous. I needed to get rid of life responsibilities to learn to reintroduce them when I could. I’ve been lucky not to live alone though and having the possibility to rely on my partner. I know not everyone does.
How could you press this pause button in your life right now, without having necessarily to go to hospital again? What are the things that are causing you the most pressure? Which commitments and responsibilities can you get rid of, realistically? What are the things in your life that you could add to your days or use more as a way to escape (in a healthy and safe way)?
Just some questions to invite you to think about it. It might be more challenging than while being in hospital and having people taking care of things for you. But there are probably steps that you could think about and start to take, just to lift your burdens here and there.
My therapist has been used to ask me "what do you come with? what’s in your “bag of burdens?”.
What’s in yours, @Rosethorn?
Well right now, a hospital is checking with my insurance to see if I can do so intensive outpatient care and I’m taking a few days of of work because I ended up just spiraling again. I decided I didn’t want to do inpatient care so I can learn how to mentally handle it.
I guess you can say taking off work is hitting pause. I’ve been sleeping a lot. I haven’t bothered with much activity other clean something here and there.
I keep having this thought that everyone is going to leave me once they see my dark side. I feel so difficult, I’ve been called difficult. I’m even starting to make friends only to be afraid that they’re going to leave. People have left in the past due to me being all over the place. I"ve been better at navigating lately but it’s still scary. Now I’m more or less just extremely tired.
Hi Rosethorn
I know the feeling. There was a time when i wished to go back to the hospital. That was half a year after my first hospitalization. I went there a year after it. I have been hospitalized two times in the psych ward. The first time I stayed there for a week. The second time I stayed for three weeks. sometimes things go to south so fast and so hard that we can just watch and slowly die inside. I hope the people there can put you on your feet again. I wish you can survive the holidays. I like this time of year but I know it can be very stressful. I wish you a lot of strenght in the upcoming weeks. Bye for now .
Yep, me too. I have borderline personality disorder and the main driving symptom or trait is the fear of real or perceived abandonment and rejection. Once I get triggered which could be someone not texting me back right away for example… my head won’t stop with the paranoia and scenarios of why this person hates me now. I feel hot inside and overwhelmed, like I need to do something drastic to not loose whoever it is and then act on impulse without thinking things thru. This never ends up well and I loose a lot.
Is this something that happens with you? Can you relate to it at all? Some people can have a couple of the traits and not have borderline, but it might be something to look into.
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