Some days I feel like I can move mountains. Other days I feel like I’m just riding the struggle bus watching life pass by. I’m not okay and no one notices. I’ve always been the forgotten friend, the one left out so it’s not surprising since no one reaches out and I hear from no one. I have to fight so hard not to relapse back into self harm (even though it’s been a year) for the sake of my family. I can’t help but think sometimes that maybe my son would be better off without me. Or if he had a mom who was stronger and healthier he wouldn’t have some of the health issues he does. The stress of my fulltime job, covid-19, and being a wife and a mother is getting to me. I dont know how much more I can take before I break. Before I relapse or worse and I dont know how to make any of it better. To make any of it easier or to make it so I feel okay again. I’m just feeling so lost and hopeless. I just want everything to stop at least for a little while. Then maybe I wouldn’t feel like I’m silently drowning.
Hey @Spatgramle, days have been weird lately for me too. I think everyone is struggling with their own demons, and doing that in the confines of our global situation can make things markedly more difficult. I am really proud of you for continuing the fight against self harm, and being brave enough to face that reality. I am cheering you on, I know that must be incredibly trying.
You mention that your son might be better off without you, or with you better. I want to say that, it simply isn’t true. One of the most memorable parts of my childhood was watching my mom struggle, and be a clear example that people are not perfect, but they can prosper or thrive despite that. You are a great mom, and even wondering what it would be like if you weren’t in his life due to the weight of your struggles is brave and courageous and I encourage you to be proud of yourself for loving him so much that you take care of yourself.
I am so sorry, it sounds like you have so much on your plate. If there is anything we can do here to support you, I would love to know. In the meantime, if you have moments with your son, you might consider spending them on something that makes you both really happy and relaxed, that helps you forget about the world around you (it’s okay to need a break!). Maybe a movie, show, or coloring. Whatever you choose to do to bring you into the present and out of the stress of the situation and future, I hope it gives you a little break.
We are cheering you on, you matter to us and your son, thank you for bravely carrying on.
I’m really sorry that you’ve been feeling like no one notices that you’re not okay. It’s hard to feel like you’re all by yourself while carrying many responsabilities, stress and negative thoughts.
We see you here. You’re not invisible. And by sharing this, you just allowed us to know about what’s going on and to encourage you to take some healthy steps. Thank you for sharing about your situation. It’s never easy to admit that something’s not okay and has to change.
You know already that relapsing in self-harm, as tempting as it is, will never be a solution. It would only add more pain to how you’re feeling right now. I understand that you feel stuck and hopeless though, but there are definitely healthier ways to handle this situation. We’re so proud of you for fighting against these thoughts.
I’m not okay and no one notices. I’ve always been the forgotten friend, the one left out so it’s not surprising since no one reaches out and I hear from no one.
If I may ask, did you try to reach out to your loved ones? I’m not trying to make you feel guilty about it - not at all. It’s just that I know from experience that sometimes we feel so stuck in our own struggles that we expect others to notice what seems to be obvious to us, but not for them. And at the same time, we can be tempted to save the appearances and hide our pain. Sometimes life just goes on, and even if people are living together and close to each other, they can be focused on different things and never notice what’s going on unless we reach out to them. I know it’s not an easy step to actually say “hey, can we talk? I’m not feeling well these days and I need your help for (…)”. Yet most of the time when things are unsaid it leads to feel more isolated and alone. You deserve to be supported by your family. So if your relationship with them is safe enough, then I highly encourage you to take some time to have this conversation. It’s 100% okay to ask for help during difficult times.
To make any of it easier or to make it so I feel okay again. I’m just feeling so lost and hopeless. I just want everything to stop at least for a little while.
It’s also okay if you need a break. You need and deserve to rest. What do you think about discussing with your doctor and ask for a medical leave? I know it can be uncomfortable to do that and feel like it would be a way to say “'I’m not strong enough”, but it’s the absolute opposite. When you feel like entering in survival mode, it means that you need to slow down and find new strategies. Doctors are more and more aware that people are leading stressful lives - especially with covid and quarantine -, and getting some rest can be needed at some point, at least to recharge physically.
Having some time off your work could be very beneficial. It would allow you to have more time for yourself, so you could try to focus on what’s fulfilling and relaxing to you. Even just a week is already something. But on the other hand it would also be great to have a discussion with your loved ones and ask for them to support you through this. It goes along with a lot of small things that can be done as a teamwork every day. If you feel like you are handling too many things at once, it’s absolutely okay to ask for some help. There’s a french proverb that says: “there’s no problem, only solutions!” - and I truly believe that you’re at a crossroad right now to develop some healthy strategies.
You are strong and you are doing so much. And you’re here, reaching out. In my book, that’s the opposite of being weak. Not mentioning that you are a good mom without a doubt, who wants the best for their child and family. But even the daily heroes need some rest from time to time.
I experienced a burnout as a student (I was working at the same time, way too much) and I remember having a very precious discussion with a doctor who explained to me how much rest is needed. He explained to me how feeling overwhelmed wasn’t just an emotional state, but also a physical one. When you get used to be stressed daily, to always focus on what has to be done, your body gets used to it and, as a result, even when you try to relax, it gets hard to really enter in a resting mode. It’s like a readjustment. And it goes through taking some real time for yourself, to be connected to yourself, to the present moment, and to let go of everything else during these moments. It’s not easy! It takes practice. Your mind would certainly resist and it requires to let go of any feeling of guilt. But the truth is: our energy - mental and physical - is not unlimited, and one way or another, getting some rest is not optional.
I love @EchoeWings suggestions with watching movies or coloring! It’s definitely some examples of things that you can try to cultivate progressively. And what about starting now, by taking 10 minutes to do something totally different than what you’re used to, right after reading this reply? Take some time to sit somewhere, to acknowledge the environment around you and/or the people around you. Take some time to breathe some fresh air and enjoy a break. Even just 10 minutes is a good start already.
There is some balance to be found through all the roles and responsabilities you’re handling at the same time, and this can be done progressively - even when it feels like you’re running out of time or there are so many things to do. Maybe start by prioritizing a little. There are things in life that are vital, things that are important, or necessary, and all the other things that doesn’t fit in these categories. But often times, especially when things are piling up, the most insignificant tasks takes too much importance than it should. You can certainly “declutter” your thoughts and use the time you’d gain to actually take care of yourself.
You are loved, friend. We believe in you and your capacity to reflect on that and make healthy decisions for yourself. You’ll be okay.