Hey everyone,
Today I want to talk to you about something frustrating and disturbing at the same time and in the first time in my entire life on this earth, and for the sake of anyone reading this.I feel obligated to give you a trigger warning about some really disturbing things.its for your sake that you dont go on if you’re uncomfortable or dont want your day ruined,if not,go ahead but proceed with caution.With the disclaimer finished,lets begin.
I have told you about my friend who I presumed had schizophrenia and had anxiety,depression,suicidal thoughts and has symptoms of PTSD because of constant verbal and physical abuse around him,he would also have a lot of maniac episodes and to add the icing on the horrible,horrible cake,he lived with a family that verbally abused him and was anti-mental health.Here’s the link to the topic if you’re interested : Progress with a friend that I have been helping
To summarize this whole story,I have been helping this friend with these issues for a bit and man it was hard and required a lot of patience.Because,he would have these sudden chains of negative thoughts,either maniac episodes,suicide thoughts or panic attacks,so I felt like I was fighting off an entire army but I managed to help him out and even was able to get him to ask for an appointment in the hospital and things started to look up ,his thoughts were more coherent and he was slowly improving and things were going really well,until one day,he broke me some crazy news,essentially one day his mom was verbally abusing him which caused him to have a maniac attack and a mental breakdown,his big brother called an ambulance for him,he got two professionals assigned to him,a therapist and a physiatrist and you might say thats good at least,which I have to say,I fucking agree. Things seemed to improve,his sentences were more and more coherent,he was taking his meds,things seemed awesome,I even told him to have a journal to write his thoughts so he can communicate with his professionals.Flash forwards to the day before yesterday,and maaannnn things really went down the shitter.Firstly,he had to give up his cat into adoption because his brother and his gf and their son(my friend lives in his brother house after the incident with the mom,sadly he cant be with his cat,because his bro has 2 cats and 2 dogs I think)are moving to a place that wont allow pets,so his bro is getting fucked over too. And to say he was devastated, would be an understatement,even a reminder of his cat made him sad,I loved that cat too,I loved him a lot seriously.The second thing was,and this is the fucked part,he told me that his phsyetraist said that he hit an all time low and gave him anti-pshyotics and both of them made a pact saying that he wont hurt anyone…yes you know where this is going.He started telling me about wanting to kill people and eat them and all sorts of horrible shit,like for example raping the gf of his brother and murdering her son or wanting to eat his pshycetraist and wanting to “feel her skin” and he talked about wanting to hurt other people in general,but eating people was like something he really talked about a lot,even in self harm,he would bite himself a lot.Even worse I realized while I was writing this(I was talking to him while writing this)is that he told me that inside he wasnt happy,it was just out of impulse,now should I believe him,I dont know.But I will keep my fucking guard up you better believe.And after that he stopped and said that he wanted to process something his best girl friend said which was and I quote
"If you have urges to commit rape and murder, just come to my town and rape me, as you want, but never touch another innocent person "
“You’re my friend, last thing I want is you to get in trouble for this, if I have to endure it for you good, I will”
Which to be honest,reading it,it was haunting,sad but there was some beauty in it,the average person would have been sent to tears,but pain we endure.later he collapsed again and told me that he doesnt want to be tortured by the urges,he doesnt want it.
The frustration part is me trying to reason with him when he says horrible things about wanting to eat and murder people,etc because its arguing with someone who doesnt get it because its in his impulses,hell I am afraid he might be an actual psychopath because I tried to reason with him initally that what he was doing was wrong by giving him some perspective,he would get really mad at me if I even mention his cat(even positively)but him talking about wanting to eat his doctor like was okay,I told him "Imagine what they would have felt if they heard you.But he told me that he didnt get it.But remember my friends,Im not a doctor you know.All in all,its really sad and frustrating to deal with,but I got the hang of it,I must not try to reason with him if he says fucked up shit.
so yeah,this was quite disturbing and I hope that I didnt ruin your day,I hope to god he doesnt actually hannibal lecter somebody.