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Some good news and some bad news


#1

I’ve been pretty quiet on the forums this last week. My natural habits want to say “Sorry” but I’m not going to, as I’ve needed the step back for a few days.

I have a hard time with birthdays. It’s always a day of grieving for me. I mean, not entirely. But a portion of it is usually me just releasing some feelings and crying it out. It’s always easier to celebrate in the days that follow opposed to before or on the day. So I’ve been really quiet lately.

I have a lot of struggles that I have been working through lately and I decided I wasn’t going to spend too much energy writing them out. But here’s some good news that happened this week:

I got to spend my entire birthday weekend with my guy. Which was great. We went out for coffee and then had lunch with with his dad. Played some board games. Next week we are going on a trip with his mom to celebrate since she was out of town for my actual birthday.

And then a friend of mine back home is helping me pay for plane tickets to go and visit her for 20 days. So I’ll be back in the Seattle area for almost an entire month! After not being there for 5 years. So that gives me something to look forward to.

And for the bad news: I haven’t had a chance to put any time on my art. Which really frustrates me. I’ve been having a lot of pain and discomfort in my wrists. Making writing, typing, playing games, painting and even small things like using the phone or holding a cup of water very painful. Any use aggravates it. So that’s been a bummer. Trying to take it easy. I am going to keep working on my art, of course, just in small doses so not to over do it. But only when I feel my wrists are up for it. I don’t want to make it worse. Especially since I am unable to see a doctor.

Anyway, I’m glad that you guys are enjoying the link list I saved for you. I will still be posting on the forums but maybe just a little less than before to take care of my wrists.

I hope you are all doing well. Be gentle with yourselves.

  • Kitty

#2

Hey Koyangi,

Interesting that around your birthday you tend to have these moments of grieving…it’s almost like it forces you to pause and self-reflect – to see that time is passing, that your life continues to move forward, even though in the daily experience of life it is hard to see…and to look back and see that more life has been lived that you can’t get back…to know you are further into your limited time here and that you have things left that you haven’t accomplished or things you regret or can’t do anymore…it also reflects on the positives and the beauty, but the pain of regret or the pang of mortality comes immediately and more naturally than the celebration. What are some of the things you grieved? What were some of your unmet expectations for yourself this past year? What were some of the things you are carrying that you haven’t resolved?

Amidst the sadness, it sounds like you’ve had some great highs in your close relationships and things to look forward to – and overall it seems like you are pliable enough to allow yourself to feel those things and snap back without having it take you down or out. That’s an awesome strength to have.

Hope your birthday overall was positive and that Seattle goes well!

-Nate


#3

Thank you SO much for taking the time to read and respond to this. I really appreciate it.
I think you are right. There is a lot of pain that I am going through on a regular basis in regards to having no family. Most days I am able to focus more on all of the good things and people I have now, but my birthday seems to be a time where, no matter my more positive perspective and thought process on it, I still am overcome by sadness and just need to let it out. The good thing of it is, it’s not as negative and bitter as it used to be. I have a good relationship now who’s family are very accepting and supportive of me. All whom, not just on my birthday, but every day make me feel loved. So it’s just sadness now. Not anger. Not hate. Just an emotion I guess I need to release. So I try to allow it and then when I’m ready, do whatever it is we’re going to do. Often it’s easier to celebrate in the days after. My energy can be pretty spent after a good cry, but I don’t think this has to be a bad thing. I call it grieving because I’m in a better place about it then I used to be. And even those who have lost someone important may grieve sometimes even long after the actual event. Especially near the days of losing them. Maybe one day I’ll be able to stop feeling so sad but for now, it feels like a major improvement. It’s not so toxic and I don’t let it control me anymore.

There are a lot of things that have been left undone. Not just in the recent year but many before it. Due to me trapping myself. But I am working on that. I’m always trying to move forward and be productive with my life and mental health. It took me a long time to find the strength to do so. So I am often sad that I’m as old as I am but in a place in life you’d expect a newly graduated high school student or college student.

But like I tell most people here to, I try to set healthy realistic goals that will help me work towards the things I want and focus energy on the things that make me happy. In the last couple of years I made a lot of progress. It’s been a very good thing. My life has completely changed for the better. In the process I lost things that were important to me that’s slowed me down but I’m trying my best to remain focused. There are just a lot of days where I struggle.

Anyway. It’s all a work in progress. Thanks again.


#4

Yeah it’s really helpful to ALSO look back and see “Even though it’s still a struggles, it’s less of a struggle, and that’s great improvement” – great perspective!

What do you mean by “you’re in place in life you’d expect a newly graduated high school student or college student”?

And by “trying to move forward” have you taken time to not just move past, but to address and heal from those things in your past?

Always in progress, friend…me too


#5

I guess just the fact that I am 34 years old now and I am still lost and unsure of the direction my life is going. The future is a fog. It’s so unknown. I’m living with my boyfriends parents. I’m flailing around trying to decide how I want to take the next step for my future and success. You know, when you get out of highschool and college there is that unknown sometimes of what to do next. I feel like I’ve been kinda stuck in that for a while.

However, as of the last two years, I’ve finally pushed towards the steps to get me out of that cycle. In my case a bad relationship that was trapping and idle. Now I feel like I have more potential in my future and it doesn’t seem so dark.

I guess I don’t fully know how to explain that. I just always feel like I have a major late start in life and Im more in the place a newly graduated student should be. Not a 34 year old person.

But I guess that is probably also an unhealthy outlook on things since we all unfold our lives at a different pace.

I have spent a lot of my life trying to move forward. Trying to get out of the things that were holding me back or emotionally causing stress and anger. I have spent YEARS moving FORWARD but not not a lot of that time actually went towards HEALING. Which has been a lot of my focus since November of 2016. For once in my life, now that I’ve taken a huge step forward, to also take the steps to heal.

It’s all a really large process. I guilt a lot and often feel like a failure. It also bothers me that Im not “normal” in the sense that I can’t carry a regular job or be consistent in a “normal” job environment because of my severe anxiety, burn out, sensory overload, health issues, physical limitations etc. It makes me feel broken. But I am trying my best to make things work for me, my life and my relationship in a way that feels good, is healthy and brings happiness. And I try really hard not to focus so much on what others think about how I live my life.

ANYWAY. That was sloppy, messy, choppy and lengthy. I apologize. I am really not good at explaining what I mean especially in short.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.