I never went to college actually. I didn’t even make it through Jr. High. I was tutored for a while but I struggled. Later I went for my GED. Was too far behind to get that so I tried to get my diploma online. Which also didn’t work out. I have learning disabilities but didn’t have enough support. I also am autistic but was not diagnosed till I was an adult. The same with being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and ADHD. So my schooling suffered.
But since Nov 2016 I have been free of a toxic and unhealthy marriage/relationship of 15+ years. That relationship was all I knew outside of my environment I was raised in. So the way the relationship was seemed normal to me. I felt trapped and miserable for years and felt like I was not loveable. But I also had no idea the diagnoses I battled with. So it made it worse. Nov 2016 was when I finally took that step to come away from everything I knew and decided to fight for my life and my happiness
- I got a family and life counselor
- I sought out a therapist
- I sought out a psychiatrist
- I started seeing a doctor and all of the different specialists that I needed to see for my current health issues. Which there are a lot. I was in appointments on a regular and weekly basis. Physical therapy included.
- I was diagnosed with Bipolar, Autism, ADHD, Agoraphobia on top of my PTSD and severe anxiety. And finally started receiving treatment and medication.
- I finally fought for a divorce and got through it after living separated for 2 years.
- I found a healthier relationship.
- I cleaned my life of unhealthy and toxic people.
- I started losing weight
- I learned that my marriage and the toxic environment was making me feel like a monster and act beside myself. I said and did things I’m not proud of.
- But I also learned that I don’t have to let that control me. I’m more at peace and more relaxed now that I’m away from all of that. I’m much happier even though I still battle with depression and mental health issues. It’s way different than it was previously
- I learned that I can be loved. That I do deserve happiness even if sometimes I feel otherwise. That I can have and hold a healthy relationship and have a better future
- I’ve learned to let go better
- I’ve learned to not let things get to be as much as I used to. Though I slip sometimes
- I’ve learned to be less angry.
- I’ve learned how to better control the symptoms of my bipolar disorder with being in a healthier environment
- I’ve learned as a whole how to reach out and be open with what’s going on by having an relationship I can trust and communicate in.
As of January I lost my health insurance so I lost
- All of my doctors
- All of my therapy
- All of my medication
I do cannot work a regular job in or out of home. As I have major sensory issues, severe anxiety and agoraphobia which makes it hard to be around people, crowds, loud noises, a lot of activity, lights and anything majorly contributing to sensory. I have learning disabilities and have a hard time focusing, learning new things and maintaining a hold on new information. Especially with numbers and complex words.
So I’m adjusting. Trying to learn to live without the things that were helping my health mentally and physically. I’m learning to live without medication for pain, anxiety, sleep and mood balancing. I also have PCOS. So not having my medication for that and my hormone issues has been very hard. I grow unwanted body/facial hair, have weight problems among other things that make living without treatments very difficult.
I’ve gained a lot of weight back that I lost between now and January. A lot of the progress I had gained between Nov 16 and January of this year feels like it was lost
Now I’m just trying to relearn how to live. Trying to learn how to move forward. Which is difficult. But I’m trying. I don’t always know how. I spend a lot of time in bed, go days without showering, I isolate and don’t go out much.
But I’m making myself go stay with a friend so I can be out. Be active. Be with someone who encourages me and helps me move forward. I’m trying to take the steps to heal. It’s just hard.
But it has been really good to be in a better environment and a better relationship where I have better support and understanding all of the time. My partners parents are allowing us to stay with them right now. They are very kind and loving of me. And that makes all of this that much easier than where I was before.
So while I’m struggling, I’m in a better place. So each battle and each stress I go through is a hell of a lot easier to face than it was 3 years ago.
One day at a time.