Mood Switching - Well yeah I’d talk about this in my past post. It’s just the top thing that is so depressing to me. I don’t know if it’s normal to have mood switching and shifting every minute. It’s just so annoying. And I might know or not know the cause of these
My Anger Issues - I find it somehow hard to hold back my anger. I mean when it comes to my exploding time because most of the time I just keep bottling up my emotions and barely feel anything most of the time.
Am I Alone? - I always wondered this thing. Many people around me said I’m not. But, it feels so empty and I’m always being ignored by many people. Perhaps I annoy people like a lot. (woopss)
My Nightmares - Well from what I exactly remember from those night mares I had like 5 days ago, there was one word that keep repeating. Each dream has one word which is, my first nightmare was Insecure, Second dream was Forgotten, Third was Distress and the fourth I don’t remember. The fifth one yesterday it wasn’t a word that keeps repeating. I saw myself in a very dark room, I was walking on the water. I look into the water, I see nothing but my reflection, I bet the water was endless depth. And suddenly, there was a chain and collar grabbing around my neck. It hurts, but I don’t fight. All I do is cry. It’s like I just stuck in that room. I woke up and my neck feels so… I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like feels lost around your neck.
If I’m like them - It’s… well, I always having these thoughts if I’m like others, people will like me more and won’t ignore I existed somehow. Or, If I talk fluently people won’t judge me and people would love to talk a lot to me. And if somehow much more beautiful people around me won’t get scared of me. I’m friendly tho.
Mirrors - I hate mirrors so much. I don’t know why. Maybe because of nightmares.
sighh I got a lot but I find it hard to elaborate because my problem in talking. Well I’ll stop here for now. Next post I’ll write about how my daily. I somehow find it relaxing to type in here. More privacy than my old diary. Thanks for spending time to read this. you guys.
(p/s I think I’m indeed depressed or sick :/)
Have you ever looked at the symptoms of borderline personality disorder?
If you’re having big emotional highs and lows thru out the day, feeling alone and empty and can’t control your anger, I would definitely look into BPD.
Along with BPD comes things like depression, anxiety, intrusive thoughts and doing things that might not be healthy to make yourself feel better or to keep people in your life.
I’m not diagnosing you, I have BPD so I am relating to your story.
If you’d like a great video about it, let me know ok?
Hello Lizzy I would love to know about the video. I also barely know myself and my current state right now. Thanks again
Here you go. Not knowing who you are is part of it too.
Thank you Lizzy this mean a lot to me. The one that the doc were saying …“That people with bpd have a thin skin so they feel everything, and they over feel it… and they become hyper sensitive” Well in my situation it’s like something keep creep walking around me for example if I stay in the middle of the night, I keep feeling like that. I thought I’m having a delusions or I’m already crazy. And yeah, all the traits that she mentioned somehow represents me at the moment. It’s so intense. And yeah and the part hearing voices too. uhmmm tell me, do u tell your family that you have bpd? I mean, well… I don’t know and I don’t think I could reach out mentally to them since you know… they ain’t listening to my stupid “how I feel”.
First, you need to be diagnosed, don’t assume you are BPD.
Second, you most certainly should tell everyone who loves you. They need to educate themselves about how someone with BPD thinks (or any other mental problem). Like for example, you’ll hear people say say that we just have to make a choice not to make bad decisions. The frontal part of our brains which hold decision making parts (lol) isn’t as developed as a healthy minded person’s. We are literally unable of making on the spot healthy decisions. We have to “pause” and think about it first. This is where a lot of our “toxic” behaviors happen. We act on impulse with our BPD lens which is usually a distorted interpretation of the world and people around us. It’s a very unhealthy cycle.
There is also what is called complex BPD where you have other mental challenges as well. Like PTSD or depression for example. Even delusions. This makes living with BPD that much harder.
So, if you are able to please try and see a professional for a proper diagnoses.
PS… educate yourself too and you’ll see you’re not crazy. You just have to learn coping skills and be aware of your symptoms. Check this dude out. I’ve been learning a lot lately from him.
Well i will seek for the professional help once I’m an adult and working. Right now I’m still not ready to tell them that is something wrong with me. Plus, we kinda going trough some tough things, like a lot of tough things
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