Some thoughts

[nyntje]

I didn’t know where to put this so I decided to put this in this category, feel free to put it somewhere else if it needs to be.
Ever since the beginning of this year I haven’t been okay. Where I first was like okay I’m just gonna try and power through, I started to get more tired and started to give up. Where I first thought suicide was “an option but not really” I ended up with a plan. This is just a couple of things that changed in my mind, but mostly: my mind started to scream all those lies at me that I’ve been putting behind a wall. I thought I was dealing with them, but I really was just trying to burry them further down.
This week I saw my therapist again for the first time in a month and I just talked and I hadn’t realized up until that point that I had pushed away so many things. That I wasn’t talking about all those things or sharing them, because I was still looking at myself as a product. “I’m not worthy of love, respect or anything good if I’m not productive or a musician.” I know that that’s not true, like logically it can’t be true, because I love people for who they are inside more than outside, but still I apparently choose to not see it when it comes to myself. When I think of good things, I automatically go to making other people happy with music and maybe even being praised for my musical abilities. There’s no room for me in there. Even when I think about group therapy and the goodbye letters we wrote each other, mine only were about my musical abilities. It’s almost like I don’t exist outside of it. It’s the thing most people bring up when talking about me and it used to make me proud, but for the past years it’s been almost like I’m nothing without it. And I know that logically that can’t be true, but it’s been a part of me since I was 6 and tbh it feels that way too. But this is also a thing that terrifies me. What if people don’t like me anymore if I don’t do things with music? And I know I should think “those aren’t the people for you then”, but then… what is wrong with me that they don’t like me without it? Isn’t that stupid? Because I “know” better, but the feeling doesn’t agree…
At the end of my session with the therapist she asked me about my plan and I told her why it was the way that it was. “Because it will look like an accident,” I told her. “It’s easier for the people left behind that they don’t know that I did it myself. I don’t want them to know that I was hurting or how much, just a stupid accident that can happen.” The one problem is: there are 2 people who would know, because I told them. I don’t know why I made that mistake. To trap myself even further in this life? I don’t know, but one thing that I do know is that when my therapist told me that she would know I realized I was really out of options so I might as well try. Getting up in the morning, taking a shower, making breakfast (haven’t had that in years), start my warm-ups and plan out the day with coffee in my hands. Make a small video on 1 to 3 things that I’m grateful for that day and then get on doing stuff. Because I really don’t want to hurt the people I care about. I’d rather try to battle through life than do that…

[Micro]

Thank you Nyn’ for sharing this. There’s a beautiful message of strength of resilience in it. We don’t live and start to be who we aspire to be once we feel better. We are already, and there’s a lot of strength to disclose to yourself every time you are learning to thrive. Your struggles don’t condemn you to be stuck at the same place. You are still growing, you are still becoming, every day you keep waking up and through every breath that you take. Keep going my friend. One day you’ll look at these months from a distant place, one that will give you the perspective you need to acknowledge your strength and efforts. You’ll be proud of yourself, just like we do here and now.