I wanna type this over. I had orginally left my disorganized thoughts on an anonymous app. I felt bad tonight and just purged there. At first I wanted to stop but then i recognized that voice in my head, i wanted to try to speak through my inner child and i got this. Because it always goes back when i was small child, I was having so much trouble with no support.
“No one cares about me huh no one does, no one, i can’t be myself around anyone, i can’t lean on anybody for once and i hate that”
"Everyday I keep thinking “I just want to be cared for in the way I needed to be cared for because everyone else in my life obviously failed to do so”
“I want to be held, I want someone to hold me while I cry, I want someone to care about me so much that they would only want to spend the whole day with just me and me only, I want to be reassured, I want to be made a priority, I want to feel safe, I want to feel like I belong here on this planet, like im a human and not some sort of alien”
“I want to feel safe and I just want to be heard and understood”
I also want to add that sometimes I feel like its my race, idk. I feel like people are harsher on me because i have darker skin. My first teacher was brutally racist so that probably affected me alot. Along with adults in my elementary years who were terrifying to communicate with. And people say they like those that are shy and don’t talk but I get overlooked because someone in the room who is quiet but prettier. And I hate to admit that I fantasize about jumping out of my own skin just to receive gentle affection and praise. I’ve never been considered an attention seeker but I always crave it. Sometimes I get very overwhelmed if I do get a lot of positive attention and I start to shy away. But when it goes away, i get a little sad.
There is a visualization that I have done frequently, and still do once in a while. I imagine myself as an adult, meeting and talking to the sad child I used to be. I would comfort him, and explain why he had no reason to feel guilty or inferior. I would explain why people did what they did to him, and none of it was his fault. I’d tell him he didn’t deserve to be abandoned, or go hungry. I would also explain a lot of other things to him that would help them understand why his life was so difficult.
That kind of visualization really did help me to heal. So, not only can you speak to your inner child now, but you can also reach back to the child you were at a time when you most needed someone to help you understand things.
I wish I could do that. I wish you had someone who could do that for you.
I know it’s not the same as being physically present with someone, but you are heard and understood here.
Your skin is perfect just as it is. It is also instrumental in identifying ignorant racists who might otherwise have fooled you into believing they were decent people.
It’s perfectly human and perfectly okay to crave attention. I think you might be an introvert, which could explain why although you crave it, you can be easily overwhelmed by it. As far as I can tell, attention coming from others does not occur on a regular basis, unless you are some kind of celebrity.
I have learned that the most reliable way to receive positive attention, is to give it to others. That approach doesn’t always work, but it does work often enough.
Thanks for trusting us with your feelings. You are wonderful!