At school today I lost my water bottle and I couldn’t find. And I was so stressed out about it until I realized that the only reason I’m upset about it is because I’ll get scolded by my mom and she’ll tell me how unresponsible I am and make me feel mad. Then I thought about if she wasn’t in the picture and suddenly I wasn’t so stressed about it.
My school days are almost over anyways and we can always buy a new one.
And then I realized that half of my stress is literally not my own, it’s my mom’s
And then I started snickering like a little gremlin cause I finally figured something out.
Also the fact that my mom was so unbelievably upset with me last night for not wanting to wear a lace front wig for my graduation have opened my eyes to the fact that I might never be good enough for her, I will never be able to make her feel fine with the way I am and how I want things to be for myself.
But that doesn’t mean I’ll never be good enough for anyone else.
My mom made me feel that way but it was never actually true.
I owe this all to the little plush elephant I found on the ground at school. It’s reddish orange and cute, it calms me down. I consider it a lucky item now.
I’m thinking of staying with my aunt over the summer because she’s nothing but kind and understanding unlike my mother. And people say she’s only doing that cause I’m not her biological kid but I don’t think that’s true. My mom acts the same towards anyone else’s kid in the family.
Also my aunt has her own step daughter and she’s the same with her.
confetti canon
i hope you name that little elephant Noah cuz it sure marked you having some inspired knowledge! (just a little joke about the name but there are a lot of good thoughts in here. Hope you bookmark your own post for future reference! This was excellent!!)
I’m so proud of you right now for using your wise mind.
Your mother has her own issues and they have nothing to do with you. You are enough and worthy of love just like everyone else. One person doesn’t determine if you are a good person or not.
You’re wonderful, @Amaris. These are some very, very powerful and essential realizations that you have. For a very very long time I have lived according to a need to be perfect for my parents and fit their expectations. It was so consuming and I wasn’t aware of it. After all, we look up to our parents and want them to love unconditionally. My mom especially always had her share of struggles, fears and worries, but constantly passed them to my siblings and I. When we are little we can’t really distinguish what is ours from what stems from our parents needs and story. As you grow you also learn to identify what you never asked for and certainly don’t deserve to put your energy in. You get to choose more and more and make decisions for yourself.
Regardless of what people say about your mom and you, it is never because of you or anything related to you. Your mom’s behavior is hers, and she certainly learned to be so strict and demanding because of her own education. That’s about her and things she would need to deal with if she’s ever willing to. But it any case, that is not your responsibility, and certainly not your burden to carry.
And as for your aunt, if she is genuinely loving then there’s no reason to even question it. Embrace, enjoy, rejoice in the love that is present for you, without any pressure or expectation for you to be a certain way.
This awareness that you have holds the potential of being very freeing over time. It will allow you to be yourself more and more.
You are so very loved, and I hope you are proud of yourself for experiencing these “a-ha!” moments. This is growth, Amaris, and you own it entirely.
