I feel that I wanted to write this today. Was trying to cope with exercise, I literally worked out for 5 or 6 hours today, trying to forget and cope, got some food later, but it seems that best way I can cope is by writing this you know, I have been feeling a bit down since yesterday, maybe yesterday just made me “snap” (calm down and use your brain cells I am not planning anything dangerous, if you didn’t assume that, I’m sorry)there has been a lot of stuff that I wanna talk about. Firstly, I have reason to believe that I lost one of my friends to DID (Dissociative identity disorder). How you may ask? I was meeting one of the personalities, and the conversation was fairly interesting. The personality was pretty knowledgeable about DID to the point you would think you’re talking to a professional, so I asked this personality about sharing this info to the doctor so they can fully integrate
and my friend could come back normally, they responded by saying that doctors do nothing but label them as schizophrenics, and right there was the moment where I feel shit went south, maybe my emotion took control of me, since that friend was really good to me and their friendship meant a lot to me, you know.so we started going back and forth, with me attempting to convince that alter that it’s the best idea to tell professionals about this, but it kept insisting on doctors spreading the stigma of people with DID being seen as schizophrenics and how doctors contribute to it and in the end they responded with what I can only summarize as that I don’t understand what they’re going through since according to this personality the body of my friend is a “child’s body”(all caps btw) and how many people with DID on YT are risking it to be on there where their abusers could still get to them(I presume this may be a virtue signal),then hit me with a short sentence that possibly, ruined my friendship, and it’s that “the conversation is done “and right there, I knew I might be fucked(I still have a microscopic bit of hope that shit hasn’t gone south, Im fucking stubborn and you can’t fucking stop me ),so I apologized if I implied that I made out the process of healing or in this case “integration” to be easy, and I knew it was cognitive, and I apologize if I seemed aggressive or argumentative and that I let my emotion take over, but to tell you the truth, I don’t know if that’s the case, I don’t know if I’m wrong or I was right, but I do think I could’ve been more diplomatic and reasonable you know. To add more insult to injury, the personality in question straight was deleting messages because in their own eyes “it was for x person’s sake”, but you bet your ass I kept that shit logged, and looking back at it, it feels like something I would find in the very far corners of the internet, no joke. Furthermore, the personality in question according to my friend, was the “protector” of the system, essentially protecting the body from any damage, this case being possibly trauma that may cause some physical damage, and the worse scenario it’s that I think, that I’m considered to be a threat to the system, therefore that personality might, and I say might, prevent my friend from talking to me, or the whole system may and I mean possibly may not talk to me ever again, thus nuking my friendship with that friend. Anyway, after that insane altercation, the personality that I’ve known came back and said whatever happened it’s okay and that we seemed that we argued and after I said that I was sorry and I was that I may have let emotion take control over me and that I thought that I gave a bad impression at the start. But after that, my friend completely disappeared. I don’t know what’s next, and I’m feeling pretty negative about it you know, since I think I fucked up big time with this one, but I’m not sure either if I did. And this situation genuinely bothered me, where after the initial interaction, I straight up didn’t sleep properly and I hate really weird dreams of a screen in front of me that took my whole line of sight and the screen was split, In half, and each screen showcased a UI that looked like a diagram you would see in a business meeting both UI “bubbles” or screens in this case were colored in the colors green and red interchangeably. Let me add that my sleep was constantly interrupted and I woke up multiple times, where I felt I had more energy, it was pretty bizarre to say the least. And I felt that my brain was dealing with a very weird feeling that of chaos that cannot be described where objects would literally shapeshift all over the place, it looked like a simulation you would see in a string theory lab, best description I can give of that feeling is it looked the scene from the Doctor strange movie, where the character of doctor strange when he first came to the temple in Kumar al taj and met the main monk there, and where he literally had an xp where everything changed and constantly shapeshifted, it felt like my brain had the same feeling to be honest. And to add to the feeling of feeling like a total dipshit, is the fact that I had xp with a person who had DID and fully
xp with a person who had DID and fully recovered from it you know, so it even sucks even more you know and that failure just snowballed into something bigger, feelings of failure, bitterness and self-hatred you know, it reminded me of other things that pissed me off and that generally give me a shitty goddamn motherfucking vibe, one of them it’s that, sometimes I felt that I have a tenacity for causing destruction(relax you insane imbecile, I’m not going to commit something illegal and disgusting, use some common sense. if you didn’t assume that, forgive me again, just in case)where even if I attempted to repair things I would in the end cause more destruction and that there’s no way I could leave that characteristic.it reminds of a quote from a really awesome video game called God of war on the PS4(its technically the 4th in the serious, also I highly recommend you get it, if you haven’t played it, amazing game, and if you can’t or don’t, you ought it to yourself to at least watch a playthrough, it’s that beautiful of a game)where when the goddess Athena talks to the main character Kratos after a certain incident that happened and she says
“There’s nowhere you can hide, Spartan. Put as much distance between you and the truth as you want, it changes nothing. Pretend to be everything you are not: teacher, husband, father. But there is one unavoidable truth you will never escape: You cannot change. You will always be a monster.” And I feel that is the case no matter how much I try to help or do good in the world or fix a situation, it always gets worse than before you know, where no matter how hard I try, I’m just a degenerate, that’s my legacy, that’s who I am, and I thought about embracing that destructive nature of mine and be violent and aggressive to everyone(use your brain cells, I’m not going to commit a violent criminal act, have some fucking mercy. Again, if not assumed, apologies as usual) where I am straight up feel fed up with people’s shit you know. Where my brain starts saying “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,IM DOING MY GODDAMN FUCKING BEST TO HELP YOU OUT IN THIS SITATUION,BUT YOU ARENT HELPING AND IMPROVING AND FIXING IT,LIKE CMON MAN,GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER THE WORLD IS FILLED WITH EVIL SHIT AND YOU’RE REFUSE TO FUCKING DO SOMETHING.IM NOT SAYING SELF IMPROVEMENT IS THE HOLY GRAIL OF MENATAL HEALTH,BUT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ALL MIGHTY IN HEAVEN DO SOMETHING FOR GOD’S FUCKING SAKE,MY GOD MAN”(and please, don’t give me any of the “tHEy DOnT wANa heLP ThEMselVES” BS )
and to add to that I feel sometimes I feel being spat on by the people I’m trying my best to be kind to and it makes me wanna fucking snap like I did with the paragraph that has all caps on that person and just tell them to go fuck themselves as hard as possible(calm down again, I’m not gonna commit anything harmful to society you Americanized buffoon, if you didn’t mischaracterize me ,I’m so sorry again) but then, something inside me doesn’t feel it’s the right thing, where yes, you may be temporarily happy by being a piece of shit, but then you will look behind you and see what you have done, and you will never live it down and that I can’t do it, but it’s the fact that I fucked up or couldn’t help certain people in the best way possible it just hurts you know and I can’t forgive myself and what’s worse it’s that I am always thinking of how to fix a situation when it goes to shit. I never accept failure, never. I never give up, let’s go back to when I said “I’m fucking stubborn you can’t stop me”, I genuinely never give up in these types of situations a lot of times it has made things good, but sometimes like certain instances, It has made shit worse for me you know. And what bothers me about it, isn’t the horrible things being discussed, I am unfazed to many horrible things, I’ve accepted that humanity is capable of demonic things, things that are so reprehensible, you would wonder if that we do deserve to be the dominant species of this planet.
And I like to compare my tolerance of being exposed to suffering and bottling of emotions to the armor from a very, very beautiful anime and manga called berserk, yes, it is really brutal and not for the faint of heart, but in its core, it’s about deeper themes, of sacrifice, perseverance, family and much more. The main character guts has armor that is incredibly strong and one of the things that this armor could do is-if absolutely necessary-cover him completely where the armor can help guts fight until all his bones are broken and the last drop of his blood is shed, but it comes at a cost and it’s that, the armor doesn’t heal him, it only keeps him together, so if his arm breaks the armor just forces it in its initial position, but after the fight, guts needs to take care of it, and I feel like that sometimes, where I look at certain wounds(being mistakes, failures or other things that hurt me)they’re a bitch to clean up so to speak and remind me of the past and what I did and it makes me always wonder about what it could have been, where everything went right, and I did things correctly, think of it as the "good future"in a video game, best example I can give is from a video game I like called sonic CD, great game, even greater soundtrack.in the game, there are certain signs you can pass that take to the future and the past and depending on if you either get all the time stones in the bonus stages or destroy all the generators in the past when you go past the past signs you will have a good ending being a third stage in that zone or level stage that has a good future where the music is cheerful and happy where everything is natural and the environment is without harm,I feel like I got the “bad future” ending with my friend where the music is dark and badass and the whole environment is a mechanical mess
.and I feel that Im going through a lot and its self-evident that no one could keep going on forever you know, so it sucks big time, the modern world is very stressful and it requires you to have a fucking skin thicker than a rhino’s skin you know, so it makes me wonder what’s the moment where I will finally become a shit person who is aggressive? When will I break and not handle failures and other tough situations? Another thing that genuinely hurts me, is false accusations and claims about my character, where people assume and say all this horrible shit about me, that isn’t even true, and it seldom hurts you know, where after trying so hard to help and do good, I get spit on by people and sometimes it’s just false things about me out of the fucking blue and it sucks big time which gives me the feeling of hopelessness in terms of helping other people and being nothing but a destructive scumbag coming back to that Athena quote.so here you have it, some of my thoughts on this day.
I know its long,but I needed to express myself and I hope you may have had some enjoyment in reading it.