Well my boyfriend knows that my childhood wasn’t very good, This evening we were talking on discord with cam and stuff.
He started talking about his childhood again, he likes to talk about it and I don’t really mind, although it does make me a little jealous, since his childhood has been really good. Actually his whole life has been very good and hearing him complaining about certain things makes it seem sometimes as if he’s been spoilt a lot.
So, he talked about his childhood and what presents he got on one his birthdays and asked me if I also got that when I was little (it was a really popular item for children back then). I told him that I didn’t have that.
Then all of a sudden he said that he should stop talking about his childhood when mine was so bad and he started crying, like straight on crying for 5-10 minutes. I didn’t know what to say or how to react. I only said that I really don’t mind when he’s talking about his childhood.
Still, the whole thing left me a little speechless over all. I’m not sure what to think of it. Obviously his life so far has been much easier than mine and sometimes I do feel envy. Of course I am happy that he has such a good life but it shows me even more how much worse my life is and then I feel bad about it.
Afterwards I told him that it would be nice of him if he could stop talking about money the way he does (telling me how much he already inherited and how much more he’s gonna inherit. Telling me how he is considering buying a wristwatch for 20000 €).
It sounds like there is some miscommunication in there about the childhood presents and it might be worth bringing up once to clear that air about or just asking him if he would like to talk about it and why it made him so upset.
If he (often?) mentions luxury item purchases and that bothers you, that might also be worth having a conversation about. It seems like the two of you have come from different backgrounds…
Which isn’t a a bad thing unless one of you (or both) has some issues with it. If he has guilt over your different childhoods, if you do not like hearing about money and he likes talking about money…etc and if it bothers either of you a little bit now, you might get over it, or you might just become more irritated at it. Either way I think its best to address an issue (if there is one) and that will let you know if you can get past it, or if you can’t it might help you both move on sooner to something else.
Good luck figuring it out with him.
Hi,
I hope you’re well and I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I would like to ask you if you think your bf is materialistic?
You two come from different backgrounds and I understand that there would be problems that could arise due to the differences but it can be worked on through good communication, however if you two communicate well and you still feel that he seems to be showing off his privileged childhood and current wealth status and taking jabs at your childhood that could be a cause for concern.
Thank you for your answer.
I do think my boyfriend is a little materialistic.
I wouldn’t say that he’s showing off. I would say he doesn’t think much about what he is saying and how it could affect other people.
I’m not sure how well we communicate. There is still this unanswered child question he doesn’t want to think about it seems and likes to leave me hanging in the dark. (I can’t bear children, so it’s either adoption in Germany or me leaving him cause it just wouldn’t work out and I’m not going to stick around for him to tell me he’s searching for someone else cause he doesn’t love me anymore.)
I’m always the one who’s bringing it up, probably too much, but I don’t want him to delay something that is so important to me.
That’s the thing I am scared about.
That he’s feeling guilty because of my bad childhood and that that is the reason why he’s staying with me.
It’s difficult to talk to him about these kind of important subjects. It seems to me he really doesn’t want to think about it much and tries to change the subject everytime or give me one word answers.
I feel like the past only matters as much as the two of you allow it to. Whatever happened is already done and its only how it affects your life today that matters (growing up wealthy vs not so much).
Its much more important who the two of you are today and the direction you are trying to grow towards/the person you want to become. - If you both like each other today and you both see a future with the other person in it…I think that is the important thing.
I think: 1) communication is part of all relationships. Boss/employee, siblings, parent/child, teacher/student, and 100% romantic love. - what relationship is closer than that of one and their lover? Its one thing to not want to talk about something you don’t have an interest in “I’m sorry honey, but I just can’t care about NASCAR Racing, I’m glad YOU like it, but I can’t stand it” but honestly if someone doesn’t want to talk about parts of the relationship (as in never talk about it, always brushes it off, always says we’ll talk later…" that is probably a larger issue than whatever it is that you wanted to talk about. 2) If something is REALLY important to someone we care about…then we care about that thing too. If you make it clear that something is really important to you and there is not any effort made in that direction, I do not think that is a good sign.
You can reassure him that you don’t want to ambush him with a conversation or force him to talk about something, but that its important to you and that you want to set up a day that you can both be prepared to talk about X Y or Z. Maybe make it a date (every Sunday take a walk and talk about whatever for a couple of hours). Ask him what he needs to make him feel comfortable with it.
I guess what I am more or less saying: When you’re in a relationship you need to tell the other person what you need, especially if you need something from them. When there is a lack of communication its easy (natural?) for assumptions, miscommunications and eventually resentment for things that may or may not be real.
I mean as an example: The thing you posted about is something that is nagging at you and 1) obviously you’re not sure what it means and 2) as good intentioned as my (and others’) advice is: we’re taking educated guesses at best and possibly throwing out own baggage into the reply… The best source for the answer is your boyfriend.
I have no idea his background and how his parents communicated with each other and with him…but not talking about big things might be HIS normal. If it is changing might be a REALLY big step for him. I think its fair to ask him to do it though, not only for your relationship but literally every other relationship he will be in for the rest of his life.
Its fair for you to ask him for what you need, its also fair for him to tell you what he is able/willing to do/give. Its fair for you to decide if you can live with that, or if you can’t to let him know that if you do not get what you need then you think the relationship should end (letting him know the truth of the situation) and then its fair for him to decide what he wants.
Be kind, try to meet him more than halfway when hes struggling with things that are difficult for him, but both of you are in the relationship and both of you should be happy in it.
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