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Sometimes I Truly Wonder

I’m always busy, always moving. I’m always having to do some paperwork or forms. Always been the sole representative of my children and myself. I’m sitting here staring at a huge packet of paperwork and it makes me feel dumb. I’m supposed to be filling it out, signing it, and returning it and even with the yellow highlights I still question what I’m supposed to do with this paperwork. I’m afraid I won’t do it correctly and send it back and then my process for what I need will lengthen because I don’t know what to do.

I looked at a number to see if I can call it to question what I am supposed to be doing and it says “If you require assistance, to accommodate a disability, please contact the RA coordinator at blah blah blah.” I’m questioning if I have learning disability at this point because of my stuttering, mispronounced words, or slurring my words because the brilliant things in my head is not what’s coming out of my mouth. Even now I am question well do I call that number or do I send an email?

I mean it’s simple enough, things are highlighted and I still can’t grasp what I am supposed to be filling in besides my John Hancock. Maybe it’s my racing thoughts especially when I have other pressing matters which all leads to draining my already drained financials. I feel like I am going slowly insane and one day, all my self isolating and struggling will eventually cause me to trap myself in my body. As if I’ll be trapped on the inside and the outside just just at a halt. I even feel this way about my daydreaming, One day, I’ll just drift away in my daydream and be lost forever. Just my whole life becoming trapped in my mind or like sleep paralysis, but in a mental state kind of way.

And with all of this said, I feel like it’s begun already because I react on the inside with my feelings or situations. I confess my feelings to someone I am sitting right next to but they cannot hear it. I set my boundaries, but no one can respect them because they do not know the boundaries are there. I just think I am going bat shit crazy to be honest, and everything I do or say may be the last few moment of my life as a social being. Like I said, I’m going insane.



Such a frustrating thing to feel like there is this misfire or disconnect between your mental faculty and your manifesting it in the real world…like you think thoughts and somehow your body doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do with those thoughts…or you think thoughts and then it’s almost like your body gets sucked up into your mind and you get lost…it can feel like “life” is really hard to deal with when you can’t predictably generate results despite your attempts and efforts.

There’s something here that is worth getting checked out, friend. I don’t think that’s a totally normal experience – it doesn’t sound mentally-related…it sounds like some kind of physiological disturbance of your cognitive functioning, and that’s something that would be worth involving medical professionals. Maybe visit your doctor and ask for a referral. If you do decide to pursue that route, I would recommend writing down a list of the difficulties you are facing, perhaps keeping a dated journal to describe events like this so that you don’t lose your ability to describe it when you’re in the office, and you can just show them your notes.

You deserve to get this looked into.


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