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Soo my moms already drinking again

So my mom made a promise to me on July 31st that she wouldn’t continue drinking. She’s already gotten pretty tipsy and has started the abuse that comes along with it. I’m always questioning myself because she always blames me for her behaviors. Say’s I need to be nicer, kinder, that I’ve never loved her and I’m the reason she treats me the way she does. She blames it on me. Tells me my behavior makes her ‘really proud to be my mom’ and that ‘she’s super happy to be in my life’ in the most sarcastic tone she can come up with. She does this thing on the phone, someone will tell her something stupid like “I made pasta and the water boiled over today!!” and she’ll fake this shocked expression. I was sending some videos on snap to my friend about her drinking and all that, and I mocked her expression. She came out and said that I’m ‘bullying her’ and ‘making fun of her mental illnesses’ then pinned me down and hit my arm until I let my phone go, then took my laptop.

I plan on talking to my cousin about her drinking when I see her, because I feel like its an important thing to know and she’s really the only supportive family member I have other than my grandma. It’s always very frustrating because my mom tells people on the phone HER SIDE of the argument. “Yeah, Gracie’s just being a little moody today.” So my family members get the wrong impression. I’ll probably have to explain that to my cousin, tell her that whatever my mom has said on the phone wasn’t the truth.

It bothers me because she can act kind around my cousin, with her friends or family members, but not around me. She was talking with my cousin earlier and she was being so nice to her, so kind and loving and understanding. Why does everyone else get to be treated with respect and love but her own daughter doesn’t? What did I do to deserve this? I’ve done nothing but try to help her for the past 5 years of my life, so why am I one of the ones who have to endure the abuse? Why does my father have to go through it, and why do I have to go through it?

It’s always the same thing. She drinks, promises me it won’t be like the other times she’s been drinking, then proceeds to get drunk and abusive again. She doesn’t even have to be drunk for her to end up abusive, just a little tipsy and she’s on her way to being the worst person in my life, and it’s so sad because she doesn’t understand her abuse when she’s sober. She doesn’t get the extent of it, or she tells me I’ve been through nothing compared to her.

My father does what he can to help me, but most of the abuse happens when he’s asleep or when he’s at work, so he doesn’t witness what happens. He’s seen a little bit of it, my mom swearing at me under her breath or something, and he thinks that’s all. He still thinks it’s bad for me to have to go through that little thing, and tells my mom to knock it off and then takes me somewhere, I’m not sure what he’d do if he knew the extent of the abuse. I’ve seen what he goes through, and it’s basically on the same level. I don’t know how he stays so strong, I mean maybe I’m just the weak one or whatever but I really am surprised he’s still able to live his life every day.

My mom says my father abuses her when in reality he’s just defending myself. I really can’t convince her otherwise, because she’s dead set on the idea of abuse, when what she puts us through is so much worse.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I said if this happened one more time that I’d go somewhere else, but I thought I had more time. I don’t know what I did to deserve all of this.

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From: fionnafiers

Your mom’s treatment of you doesn’t make you any less worthy of love, support, and respect, and her choices absolutely don’t reflect your worth. The way she’s treating you is really unfair, and that sucks a lot. It sounds like you have some family members who do make you feel validated and supported tho, so when your mom makes you feel like you’ve done something to deserve her abuse, remember the folks like them that treat you with kindness and love, because THAT is what you deserve <3

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Graciee - It sucks that your mom promised you she would stop drinking and then didn’t follow through on that so quickly. Is your mom in AA or does she recognize her behavior as a problem at all? If you feel she is an alcoholic, something like AlAnon might be helpful to you even if she isn’t part of AA. It sounds like you’re on the brink of leaving, and that may well be the best thing in this case. Just be sure you’re prepared for her to tell you to never return, which may be an overreaction she has when you leave. Is your dad supportive of you leaving? I hope you have some support in other friends and family, even if you don’t, I’m really glad you’ve posted here and have people who care.

In case you need any of these resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
National Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
domestic violence hotline website w/ additional contact & accessibility options: https://www.thehotline.org/

Also, regarding this:

Saying someone can’t be sad b/c someone else is or has been MORE sad (or had it worse) is like saying someone can’t be happy b/c someone ELSE is always happier (or has it better). It just doesn’t work that way. How you are feeling is 100% valid, and her saying it’s not is categorically false. <3

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From: bitemarque

You absolutely did not do anything to deserve abuse. Abusers will often try to blame their behavior on anything and anyone other than themselves, but the fault is 100% on the abuser. You are loved and worthy of love, and I hope you are able to get out of the situation successfully and see that clearly for yourself.

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Graciee,

It’s important to understand that you didn’t do anything to deserve this. You don’t deserve this. You deserve to be happy and live in a home where you don’t have to fear being abused.

I have seen this over and over again with my mother as well. She has promised me countless times in my child and adult life that she will quit drinking for the same reasons - she gets verbally and physically abusive when she drinks, to anyone she is around, going so far as to throw anything and everything around her towards whomever is closest to her. This happens a lot with alcoholism in my experience. Even if they know their drinking is a problem, it is an addiction. Most people are not strong enough to stop by themselves and it’s even worse when there are enablers in the home not actively trying to keep them away from alcohol (in my case it is my step dad who fancies himself an alcohol connisieur when his wife is a raging alcoholic, you couldn’t possibly be a worse enabler).

I know this may be hard to believe, but you probably don’t have to explain your side to your family. If they don’t know how bad your mother is, even with the shoulder incident, chances are older family members who grew up with your mom do know how she is. And honestly you shouldn’t feel obligated to apologise for any of your mother’s drunken behavior. I’m sure your family members can tell when your mom is drunk on the phone, surely.

In my case, I had tons of people tell me after the fact that they saw all of the abuse that I was going through and how terrible it was, they just didn’t want to butt in to help me. It wouldn’t surprise me if your case is similar.

Fortunately though, you said your grama would let you stay with her if memory serves. I understand things happened faster than you thought they would, but you really should take her up on her offer. The way you write and blame yourself for the way your mother treats you just goes to show that she has already harmed you emotionally, not just physically. You have a way out and you should take it. You have the strength to make a change, even if it’s scary.

Please remember - you are a good person. You are worthy of love. This is not your fault. Please take the help being offered to you. It is scary now but you will look back on this moment and be glad you took the help. Trust me, I’ve been there.

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I’m so sorry to hear that she started drinking again so quickly. Addiction isn’t reasonable. It’s also not just her problem–Al-Anon calls it a Family Disease because it affects everyone around the addict.

I’m also sorry to hear about the abuse she’s heaping on you for no good reason. Addicts are very good at twisting logic to suit themselves and keep themselves in the victim’s role. Try to remember the Three Cs of Al-Anon: you didn’t CAUSE it, you can’t CURE it, and you can’t CONTROL it. All the love and good intentions in the world won’t change her behavioral patterns if she doesn’t want them changed, and you’re not driving her to drink–that’s on her, even if it is a compulsion.

Keep us updated. My brother used drugs for several years and put us all through hell, so I really feel for your struggles. I hope you find the strength to break out of the false emotional bonds she’s put on you and seek courage, relief, and love from the rest of your family.

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