So my mom made a promise to me on July 31st that she wouldn’t continue drinking. She’s already gotten pretty tipsy and has started the abuse that comes along with it. I’m always questioning myself because she always blames me for her behaviors. Say’s I need to be nicer, kinder, that I’ve never loved her and I’m the reason she treats me the way she does. She blames it on me. Tells me my behavior makes her ‘really proud to be my mom’ and that ‘she’s super happy to be in my life’ in the most sarcastic tone she can come up with. She does this thing on the phone, someone will tell her something stupid like “I made pasta and the water boiled over today!!” and she’ll fake this shocked expression. I was sending some videos on snap to my friend about her drinking and all that, and I mocked her expression. She came out and said that I’m ‘bullying her’ and ‘making fun of her mental illnesses’ then pinned me down and hit my arm until I let my phone go, then took my laptop.
I plan on talking to my cousin about her drinking when I see her, because I feel like its an important thing to know and she’s really the only supportive family member I have other than my grandma. It’s always very frustrating because my mom tells people on the phone HER SIDE of the argument. “Yeah, Gracie’s just being a little moody today.” So my family members get the wrong impression. I’ll probably have to explain that to my cousin, tell her that whatever my mom has said on the phone wasn’t the truth.
It bothers me because she can act kind around my cousin, with her friends or family members, but not around me. She was talking with my cousin earlier and she was being so nice to her, so kind and loving and understanding. Why does everyone else get to be treated with respect and love but her own daughter doesn’t? What did I do to deserve this? I’ve done nothing but try to help her for the past 5 years of my life, so why am I one of the ones who have to endure the abuse? Why does my father have to go through it, and why do I have to go through it?
It’s always the same thing. She drinks, promises me it won’t be like the other times she’s been drinking, then proceeds to get drunk and abusive again. She doesn’t even have to be drunk for her to end up abusive, just a little tipsy and she’s on her way to being the worst person in my life, and it’s so sad because she doesn’t understand her abuse when she’s sober. She doesn’t get the extent of it, or she tells me I’ve been through nothing compared to her.
My father does what he can to help me, but most of the abuse happens when he’s asleep or when he’s at work, so he doesn’t witness what happens. He’s seen a little bit of it, my mom swearing at me under her breath or something, and he thinks that’s all. He still thinks it’s bad for me to have to go through that little thing, and tells my mom to knock it off and then takes me somewhere, I’m not sure what he’d do if he knew the extent of the abuse. I’ve seen what he goes through, and it’s basically on the same level. I don’t know how he stays so strong, I mean maybe I’m just the weak one or whatever but I really am surprised he’s still able to live his life every day.
My mom says my father abuses her when in reality he’s just defending myself. I really can’t convince her otherwise, because she’s dead set on the idea of abuse, when what she puts us through is so much worse.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I said if this happened one more time that I’d go somewhere else, but I thought I had more time. I don’t know what I did to deserve all of this.