Been kind of a hard day and been in my head most of the day. Keep thinking if I just get out of the house and journal it will help. Unfortunately my mind is still really loud. Ive been in recovery for a while with food but unfortunately lately the voice has been really loud. I started the cycle but I’m really trying not to beat myself up and not continue the cycle. Trying to distract myself and watch my show which Im hoping will be enough to not continue the cycle. A part of me wants freedom from all these things but the voices get so loud and it’s hard to not just give in to continue using these things as punishment or to numb out. Trying to remind myself that recovery is worth it and I know how slippery the slope of messing up can be and that I can’t go now this path. Trying to remind myself that I’m not failing and don’t have to continue with the self destruction. It’s just hard to keep pushing forward
@Fashionlover0191 Don’t feel sorry for posting. That is why we are here! To listen and help you through these tough moments! 
I am glad that you are seeing truth in the midst of the battle. Even though you “started the cycle” you are “really trying not to beat” yourself “up and not continue the cycle.” That right there shows that you are on the right track. You have the right mindset! That is truth! Keep pushing forward! You can do this! Keep posting as much as you want/need to. We are here and want to see you thrive!
Thank you. Ended up reaching out to a friend but she kind of feels distant and I get so mad at myself that I keep letting her in but seem to leave more frustrated. I tend to go in with these expectations that she will have empathy and meet me where I’m at but I feel like she will never understand my struggles and keeps telling me what to do. I talked to her about how I just need support. I hate that I keep reaching out even though I know it doesn’t help. She is the only person that I have. Need to keep reaching out oh here and not let one bad thing continue the spiral. Not going to let this derail me but try to stay strong because I really want freedom. I really don’t want to spiral into a full relapse and I really want to get three weeks free of self harm. It’s such a hard struggle and trying to find reasons that are worth it.
You wrote a statement that I really feel you should read over and over again. Any kind of recovery is messy it takes time. It takes so much more than just a simple I want to recover it is a fight to battle that urges. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I also would like to say that you wrote so much about how you want to heal and be better but something is important to remember you dont heal OVERNIGHT. Each step comes at the pace it comes. I want you to know that baby steps can really help you to know that you are achieving the goal. If we try to jump for start to finish in a game others would be like what that is not how you play. That is kind of what the game of goals is if you set this massive goal than mess up you are going to be harder on yourself than if you try to set smaller goals to achieve. So perhaps you should set some smaller goals like make it a week than a month and move it each time. YOU ARE NOT FAILING. You are trying life is not made up without mistakes. Remember you are not defined by your mistakes.
Hold fast,
Ash
I hear you. You reached out to your friend and yet it is leaving you more discouraged. I am sorry that happened. But I commend you for reaching out. That was a bold step. Even though it didn’t end with the results you wanted, at least you tried! I really admire your drive to keep pressing on and to keep telling yourself the truth (“not letting one bad thing continue the spiral”). Seriously. You say that it’s hard to find reasons that are worth it. Let me tell you. When you’ve overcome this, and your story then helps others who are going through the same types of things to press on, you will see that it was worth it! Being able to overcome and in turn have your story of triumph impact others is the greatest thing ever! Keep holding on to that! Your struggle will someday help someone else through their struggle! Keep pressing on. You can do this!
Thank you for this reminder. Need to remind myself that I’m dealing with a lot right now and to take it slow. That it’s not about being perfect or not having bad days or even slip ups. I think the hard part is with food it’s something I went to treatment for and feel like I should be over it. It’s hard when I’m trying to not turn to different aspects of food and not self harm and deal with all the thoughts going on in my mind. I know I’m struggling because I don’t have direction and future completely overwhelms me. Thank you for reminding me to see the steps I’m taking and to see the progress. That I don’t have to overcome all this right now. Thanks for reminding me of this.
It’s better for it to be hard and keep pushing forward. That way any obstacles you face will certainly make you stronger. You’re incredibly brave and reminders how unbreakable you are will allow you to command these voices out of your head. Let me tell you, recovery is so worth it. You will love it. It’s freedom. However to acquire freedom one must struggle a bit, doesn’t mean you have to struggle alone. In a community such as this, there is no sight of self destruction, but love. Remind yourself one thing for tonight. You are above it all. Continue breaking those chains. Much love.
You are very welcome. I am here if you need someone to talk too. This is a support system and in that you dont deserve to feel alone and that you are battling stuff by yourself. Message if you need help. We are here. I am glad that my words and advice helped you. I am so sorry you are struggling.
Hold fast
Ash