Sort of Lost

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1

I’m in a rut at the moment. My mom died a few years back and my life outlook has changed. I used to live, breathe, sleep, and think about taking care of my mom (she had diabetes and I took care of her for most of my life). Once she died my family just hasn’t been the same. I don’t feel “connected” anymore. My brother has autism which is not his fault but it makes it hard to connect with him and my dad has been nothing but nice to me and my brother but I don’t feel the connection we had. I miss her dearly and at times it becomes almost unbearable but I keep a happy face because I really don’t wanna bring my family down. My brother whether he’ll admit or not does react to my feelings or (copies) them in a way due to his Autism so I try really hard to stay strong around him.

My life growing up I missed out on a lot of opportunities and I can’t even drive, live on my own, and now due to COVID getting a job feels so much like a problem or worry. I haven’t learned a lot of the essentials like a bank account or just being a normal human being in society. I’ve grown up at almost 30 now and I haven’t even lived my life. I play games and hang out with friends online and obviously my dad doesn’t acknowledge it as something I’m passionate about since it’s the classic (back in my day) and can’t really relate or accept the things I enjoy. I mean don’t get me wrong he is a really amazing dad but he misses on a lot of the important parts on my life. I know I’m a grown man and I shouldn’t rely on my dad for anything and just (suck it up) and get my life in order ,get off the screen, but I don’t know how to do that or even where to start…

I tried everything since you’d think (well dad’s amazing then why hasn’t he helped you at this point?) well I try to but whenever the moment comes for his help he’s off with another woman to spend his life with since I mean that’s fair he’s allowed to have a life that doesn’t involve me anymore it’s just I can’t actually figure out my own life when most of my life was me just sitting at home taking care of my mother. I didn’t learn about bank accounts or job applications and school did not give me the tools like that just the basics of understanding since real life is not like school. Don’t get me wrong I’m not dumping my issues on my father I just want some kind of help or guidance from him and I don’t know how to make him see I need him really really bad because the mental health on me drains everyday I wake up and realize I can’t actually do anything. I feel lost, alone, and even though I have a dad who (and a brother) loves me I just don’t feel connected or my mom was the “glue” that held us all together. I never actually got to deal with her death since my dad and my brother didn’t take it well. I always feel like it is a contest of who loved her more when all I wanna do is miss my mom.

I feel trapped. I don’t know how to move forward or how to talk to my dad without feeling defeated after an argument. I feel like I’ve shamed him and my mom. I tried doing yard work today and I could barely even finish it due to my inability and health due to my depression and not going out has made me weaker than I was. Don’t get me wrong I’m strong and I’m not giving up in the slightest I just am emotionally drained and tired. I feel like I’ve let everyone down and that I didn’t do what I should be doing. Like normally people at this age have relationships, cars, lives, and even a stable income, job, housing. All I’ve done is play games and hang out with people who care about me online which I know isn’t untrue but in the end they are online and my real life is slowly losing. I don’t have any friends outside of online due to them moving away or you know having lives of their own. I’m kinda on my own here.

I know I’m not alone and I know I matter but this overwhelming depression and anxiety of failing my dad and my mom and even my brother takes a toll daily. Like my brother has autism and it is hard REALLY hard to connect with him. The relationship is rocky but I do love him with all my heart and he loves me I know it. Due to my dad being so vacant in our lives now he’s now become a little worse and he’s become kind of my new (mom) to take care of. I help him with things I don’t even know myself. I have to google anything he needs because I don’t even know myself since I never got to live those parts of life or experiences. I know you’re probably thinking, “just ask your dad” well yea my dad also has a bad temper so if you say anything in the wrong direction or if he doesn’t like it he’ll shut and close up shop and that’s the end of that (hence feeling defeated).

I don’t want this to be a “my dad sucks” post I know he tries as hard as he can since he works non stop to make sure me and my brother can live in the house we have, internet, games, and anything we need so I’m not unaware. I just wanna be able to live my life and not feel like I’m just nothing. My friends tell me about the things they do in real life and it eats me alive because they ask me what I do and I feel like I have to lie to them because well, I just play games and sit at home all day…literally. I mean I’m an introvert so that really doesn’t help my case. I like doing those things but I know that’s not reality and I have to live outside my room / house. I guess this whole vomit of my life story is me just seeing if there is something I can do. I’m not in a terribly bad mental state mind you I know I matter. I just feel so terrible and feel like I’m not doing anything and with COVID getting my life in order sounds like I’m on hold and I guess that’s what really bothers me. I got to the point where I was gonna get my life in order then COVID happened and now I feel like my life is back on hold and I have no power (as usual) on when that gate will be opened. I literally have no idea how to be a human in society to make it on my own. I’m intelligent but I lack the things that I need to make it. I want a life, I want a relationship, I want a family, I want to be a financial difference instead of a burden, I want things, I want to feel like I’ve actually done something and have that moment come up again where someone asks you over the dinner table “so what do you do for a living” and actually tell them, “Hey I have a job and I actually do things like everybody else!” Back when I was in school I used to have to write summer essays on what I did last summer and they were pages long, now I could probably write it on one line the line being my whole year. I want my dad’s help since he’s really the only person who can actually help me but with COVID I don’t know how to even start when going outside could kill him or harm any of us. I’m crying just writing this post because it feels like I’ve finally talked about me for once and it actually feels good even if I’m not getting anywhere. I used to talk with my mom and she was like my only friend when I became a “nurse” if you will. I just don’t know what to do… I don’t wanna feel like I’m some failure or deadbeat… I don’t wanna rely on anyone anymore…I’m just sort of lost…

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Hi Dramon,

Good for you for gathering the strength to talk about yourself! I know that is hard to do when you live much of your life putting everyone else before yourself. I’m glad you took the time to vent because that is so important, especially for people who put others first.

As they say, There is no better time than the present. It is not too late for you to experience all of those things that you want in life. Perhaps you can use the experience of caring for your mother to get a job at a nursing home or something like that. Covid is scary, and you should definitely stay cautious and mindful of what you’re doing. That being said, the economy is starting to pick up once again and the opportunities should start presenting themselves soon enough.

Also, just as a bit of a morale booster I suppose, I was diagnosed with Social Phobia and Generalized Anxiety Disorder many years ago. I remember my therapists saying that me even being able to be in a public place for any amount of time would be pretty miraculous. Many years later and admittedly many hardships later, I am married happily, with my own apartment and two vehicles. If you had asked me 15 years ago if I ever thought this would be possible I probably would’ve laughed in your face. I had no self esteem and no direction in life.

But one day I decided I was tired of everything. I was tired of being a people pleaser who was completely unhappy and feeling worthless. That’s all it took though. I fought tooth and nail to get some job training and forced myself to be around people and take control of my life. And it was hard, I won’t lie. It just became one of those things where I needed to change my life. I knew if I didn’t face my fears and change myself I might as well have just given up, and I didn’t want to call myself a quitter.

It sounds like you’re ready to change your life and that’s a great thing. The sky is the limit for you. It won’t be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. Keep your head up though, you seem to be of sound mind by your own admission and that will be especially beneficial to you. You will always have everyone here to help you through when it gets hard, but I know you can do this. Good luck, friend!

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I appreciate the kind words and everything. I’m not very good at thanking people either but I try my best. I guess my issue now is I just don’t know what direction to take first. I can’t drive so getting a job is rather hard and around me there is not much transportation so I’m literally at my dad’s mercy on how to actually get my life going in a sense. I have no money of my own or work experience, I’ve never had to create a application or even try to figure out any of the basic essentials. I’m also not medically sound enough to possibly work in a nursing home since I would not want to be the cause of a mistake or do something that could jeopardize someones family member.

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Transportation can be an issue, I’ve run into this as well. Perhaps you can get a bike and ride that to and from? I did this for nearly a year and managed to save enough to buy a car (not a great one admittedly but you have to start somewhere) with cash. If that isn’t doable, maybe trying locations that are within walking distance of you.

Applications may be intimidating but I promise they are not as daunting as they seem. A lot of ‘beginner’ type jobs are not as demanding with work histories, like fast food or cashiering for example. Still, if I was in your situation I would put down ‘Caretaker’ for the years that you cared for your mother. From this, you can also include skills such as punctuality, dependability, familiarity with first aid procedures, etc.

If you don’t mind my asking, did you graduate high school?

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Yes I have, and unfortunately I do not have a bike and most areas are not really close enough to walk but maybe I can convince my dad to help me get a bike of some sort or something. I have graduated High school but that was a while ago.

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That’s good news!

A lot of times employers like to see a high school education because not only do they like to see basic education, but it also shows that you committed to completion. This is often also the case with degrees, as they show that you are someone who is willing to commit to a difficult undertaking. So this is definitely a plus for you.

You can get a great bike for around $100 from any average department store such as Walmart. It’s a worthwhile investment especially in your situation. Maybe if you approach your father on the subject highlighting that you want to change your life but you don’t want to inconvenience him for rides.

Is there any place where you can volunteer your time? This is also a good way to get some job experience on an application. Perhaps a food pantry?

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No, unfortunately none like that here. Food pantries anyway, and a lot of places are slowly opening up so hopefully when things open up again maybe I can do that and get like a bike possibly and try that. With that possibly more job opportunities.

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That sounds like a great start, I wish you the best of luck.

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So when should I be looking into creating myself a bank account? Assuming I find a job when I do…I have no idea about going about to get one, isn’t it like a long time to set up? To get like a card and everything?

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It generally doesn’t take too long to open a bank account but in most cases you need a minimum amount of money to open the account. You will also need an ID and you should know your SSN or have your card.

I know when I was younger I had some problems opening a bank at but I think it was an isolated incident - I had a trust fund in my savings given to me by a grand parent and I ended up using it over time to help my brother pay his bills and banks don’t like it when you make regular withdraws from a savings account.

I can’t imagine you would have that much trouble opening an account as long as you have a few hundred dollars saved up and you have a couple forms of identification. I would wait until after you’ve received a paycheck or two. Oftentimes also, you can avoid monthly banking fees by having a direct deposit (I bank with Chase and my checking account is free since my husband and I both have direct deposit.) which having an income would also help.

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Alright thank you I’ll look into that I really appreciate it, I’ll see what I can do and hopefully I can get my life in order. I guess first start is to just get to at least having transportation.

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You’re very welcome. Feel free to message me if you’d like any more suggestions.