Back to heartsupport

Soulless and I'm giving up

I try to be honest and not suicidal as possible. Too bad, things keep repeating and bad things always happen when im about to complete what ive been working for myself. Now that I think about it, I’m mentally dying. Distracting myself with a lotta things. I don’t wanna die, but why should I live only to see myself getting use by other and suffer while other just success and forget my existence? The main point is, why am i born in this world? Nobody needs me and I am replaceable. I am the one keep falling and failing. I give up. Hoping kills me. I quit coffee but today i had just one cup since i keep dozing off and i don’t want that. Reduced my time on game but troubles keep me attached to keep making myself don’t feel anything. What I feel really don’t matter i guess. I definitely quit doing something better in my life or new. Reason is I’ll always fail. All of these year, I keep stopping in the middle coz of my surrounding I’m tired crying and try to make a positive thinking like maybe if i cant achieve this i could do smthg else stc… NO.No,…not in my life. Everytime I switch doing something new, I fail and I unwillingly had to stop in the middle. I remember back then before I moved to another state, I used to play piano. I insist to continue but I understand money problem. So I entered archery for 3 year. I could go far I swear. I was average. Not too good nor a bad archer. I was so positive and clear what I want to be since I’m no good at academic. Not all but still, I never feel so stupid and soulless as I am recently. While doing archery, I was so good at science computer. I was my teacher fav student. Honestly back in the past before I moved to my current state, I was a dumb child in school. Teachers hated me because I am too slow in learning. I rebelled a lot back then. I felt so supported at tht time. People need my help. I was so bright, a very bright student and an active teenage. Then I had to move to new school, spending time with type people that barely greet new people unless if they are good looking or interesting. I am the one who always start up the convo. Tired of it not going to lie. I like to talk to people. Now I’m staying away from everybody, I hate talking, Going out or even hanging out. What’s the point? It’s all about their memories, abut them and I am the only one listen to them. My classmate, they are all smart like rlly samrt. I am forced to take class tht I hate (I am sorry if the previous post I keep talking about these. I am trying to recall some few things that rlly happen.). I was still in shock, everything ive been working hard went all away just like that. I was so clear what I want to be and want in my life. Now it’s hazy and I told myself to be positive. In the end, I still fail. Now, last year and final exam I just have to focus right? Well, I’m dead. No matter how much I try or harder, I died again and again. :)) I grew so tired. And my mom keep saying stop trying if its impossible. GREAT. that’s wat i’m doin. listening to my parents and be whatever they want me to be. only if im still alive :)) I dont wanna die. but i guess I should. I have no future or hopes anymore. Many people given up on me, so do myself. So why should I exist anymore? Ok maybe I’ll stay alive for this one person tht kinda keep me going. Too bad I’ve given up all of my dream since its too impossible. Well when my mom said tht kind of things, it will rlly happen. So I had it enough suffering and being so alone mostly all of the time. I’ve been wondering, to send myself away from people since I annoy people.

thts all for now, thx for reading my stupid ranting. I feel so… Idk guilty for keep talking and hoping I guess. I just don’t believe such gud things would happen. everytime i am happy, bad things come along.

4 Likes

Oh friend, I hear and feel your anguish.

Sounds like a lot of burn out going on, just trying and spinning in mud sort of feeling.
It sounds like your parents have been trying to understand what’s going on?

Sometimes when we have no fixed grounding, we tend to sway with the currents a lot. What are things you like to do? We can do things for the enjoyment we get, we don’t always have to be masters at it. e can like jogging, but we may never win a marathon. We can like gaming, but we may not be the best champion, we may like science and experiments but we may never make groundbreaking discoveries. It’s okay to try something and like it and do it for years and not perfect it.

It does sound like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Have you been doing self-care things? Do you ever sit and do positive affirmations of yourself?

e all have different skills and abilities. Heck, when life is rough, waking up and getting out of bed, and having a shoer or a meal is like a major victory. Don’t use others to measure your victories, you just do what you need to do.

One moment, then the next. One exam, study for it, do practice tests, then the next.

We’re here for you. You are special and worthy, and have loads of value. Stay strong, friend.

2 Likes

Hi AnonymousJ666
I feel you. I really do. Sometimes I feel like my life is going nowhere too. I keep trying but sometimes I just want to stop. In these moments reach out to the people who support you and care about you. You mentioned that there is a person who is there for you. Keep in touch. Maybe trying new things is not the answer. Try to do some of the things you enjoyed doing in the past. Just because you had to stop doing them for a time does not mean you cant return to them. I also wanted to ask you if you are going to a therapist right now. They might help you find some sort of direction in your life. I know things seem hopeless and hope hurts. I know it does. I dont know if I love or hate hope.The thing is things can get better. I believe they can. Please try some form of therapy. It can help you. :slightly_smiling_face:

1 Like

Hello Ashwell,
Well, My mom don’t allow me to go to theraphist because she said it’s reasonable for me to go to them And she said I have nothing to be depressed of. Now I don’t know if I really need it or not since she said it that way.

1 Like

It is your life AnonymousJ666 not your mothers. It is not up to her to decide what is best for you and what you need. Btw the phrase “you have nothing to be depressed about” is wrong on so many levels I wount even bother explaining it. It is your life and you know what is best. Please seek the help you need. You deserve better.

1 Like

this is exactly the kind of backward thinking that causes additional stress :expressionless:

There is still a stigma about reaching out for help, some people rather their offspring suffer in silence at home than go out there and talk to a trained, qualified stranger whose job is literally helping people feel better.
That your mom said this makes me certain that she doesn’t understand the depth of your feelings or even has a clue how to make it better for you. Most parents are scares of their children going to therapy and having someone label them as bad parents who failed.

If you think therapy is a good fit for you, then go out and get it.

2 Likes