I try to be honest and not suicidal as possible. Too bad, things keep repeating and bad things always happen when im about to complete what ive been working for myself. Now that I think about it, I’m mentally dying. Distracting myself with a lotta things. I don’t wanna die, but why should I live only to see myself getting use by other and suffer while other just success and forget my existence? The main point is, why am i born in this world? Nobody needs me and I am replaceable. I am the one keep falling and failing. I give up. Hoping kills me. I quit coffee but today i had just one cup since i keep dozing off and i don’t want that. Reduced my time on game but troubles keep me attached to keep making myself don’t feel anything. What I feel really don’t matter i guess. I definitely quit doing something better in my life or new. Reason is I’ll always fail. All of these year, I keep stopping in the middle coz of my surrounding I’m tired crying and try to make a positive thinking like maybe if i cant achieve this i could do smthg else stc… NO.No,…not in my life. Everytime I switch doing something new, I fail and I unwillingly had to stop in the middle. I remember back then before I moved to another state, I used to play piano. I insist to continue but I understand money problem. So I entered archery for 3 year. I could go far I swear. I was average. Not too good nor a bad archer. I was so positive and clear what I want to be since I’m no good at academic. Not all but still, I never feel so stupid and soulless as I am recently. While doing archery, I was so good at science computer. I was my teacher fav student. Honestly back in the past before I moved to my current state, I was a dumb child in school. Teachers hated me because I am too slow in learning. I rebelled a lot back then. I felt so supported at tht time. People need my help. I was so bright, a very bright student and an active teenage. Then I had to move to new school, spending time with type people that barely greet new people unless if they are good looking or interesting. I am the one who always start up the convo. Tired of it not going to lie. I like to talk to people. Now I’m staying away from everybody, I hate talking, Going out or even hanging out. What’s the point? It’s all about their memories, abut them and I am the only one listen to them. My classmate, they are all smart like rlly samrt. I am forced to take class tht I hate (I am sorry if the previous post I keep talking about these. I am trying to recall some few things that rlly happen.). I was still in shock, everything ive been working hard went all away just like that. I was so clear what I want to be and want in my life. Now it’s hazy and I told myself to be positive. In the end, I still fail. Now, last year and final exam I just have to focus right? Well, I’m dead. No matter how much I try or harder, I died again and again. :)) I grew so tired. And my mom keep saying stop trying if its impossible. GREAT. that’s wat i’m doin. listening to my parents and be whatever they want me to be. only if im still alive :)) I dont wanna die. but i guess I should. I have no future or hopes anymore. Many people given up on me, so do myself. So why should I exist anymore? Ok maybe I’ll stay alive for this one person tht kinda keep me going. Too bad I’ve given up all of my dream since its too impossible. Well when my mom said tht kind of things, it will rlly happen. So I had it enough suffering and being so alone mostly all of the time. I’ve been wondering, to send myself away from people since I annoy people.
thts all for now, thx for reading my stupid ranting. I feel so… Idk guilty for keep talking and hoping I guess. I just don’t believe such gud things would happen. everytime i am happy, bad things come along.