I cut myself. And burn myself. I hate myself so much. I’m worthless and I’m alone. Nobody cares if I’m dead or alive. I’m so alone
Dude, this is so raw…first off, thank you so much for your honesty…these thoughts can be so shameful, and so weighty to carry alone…it’s easy to let these things isolate you because who could you share this with that wouldn’t agree? That wouldn’t make things worse? That wouldn’t confirm your worst fears? That wouldn’t only deepen the terrible pain that you feel in your soul?
It is a brutal place to be…to feel so much hatred for yourself, yet to feel like you can’t share about those things with anyone else…to feel utterly alone, like no one else would understand or get the pain that you’re going through…what it’s like to feel like you’d rather be invisible than to be seen because being seen means people being disgusted with you, people disapproving of you, people portraying on their faces and in their words the worst of your nightmares come true…it is such a terrifying existence just to walk out your door every day because you can only anticipate and look forward to more pain, more judgment, more isolation, more fear, and more loneliness…
And worst of all, it feels like no one even cares that you’re facing all of this…that you feel these things about yourself, that you think these things about yourself…that you harm yourself…it feels like you’re the only one, and that’s the way it’s going to be…
But I do want to offer you some hope…you are not the only one – I remember being in a similar spot in my own life where I contemplated ending my life…I felt like there wasn’t a single person I could name that would give a shit if I was literally becoming undone…I was going through the worst period in my life, feeling like my every day existence was this long drawn out yawn of emptiness…that I was worthless, purposeless, like my life was just waking up wasting time to go back to sleep…like there wasn’t anyone or anything that really mattered…and so I spent the whole day just trying to drown those constant thoughts of worthlessness, those constant thoughts of not measuring up, of being a waste…and then when I finally couldn’t escape myself, it all swallowed me back at the end of the night, and I tried to reach out to someone, but there was no one…no one…night after night after night after night…
I remember that loneliness, and it was a fucking bitch. And I just want to say, I see you. I hear your pain, and you are not alone. Thank you for daring to share, and for having the courage to open up, because we get to bear this burden tonight together.
-Nate
I used to do this too. It’s been a long time (I’m in my early 30s now - and I didnt think I would make it now). I still have a lot of bad days. But it’s better.
I’ve been to therapy and I’m starting to get tattoos to cover my scars. It’s hard, but it’s worth it.