After a month of steady progress - and getting back privileges taken away due to my risk of self-destruction…I’m crashing again. Hard.
The self-harm urges are crazy high and the depression has me living in a pit of despair. I’ve not acted on the s-h urges because I know I’ll lose everything I’ve gained (driving privileges and the ability to be at my apt - I’ve been with my parents over 8.5 months).
But I honestly don’t know how long I can hold off the behaviors. I have this NEED for the relief they (very temporarily) bring.
Hey, Gabby. Sounds like you’re having a tough time. Thank you for reaching out instead of harming yourself. That takes a lot of strength. It sounds like you’ve made a lot of progress thus far. What sort of coping mechanisms have you been using to replace the urge to self harm? Is there some reason they don’t seem to be working right now?
I typically use distracting techniques - reading, sticker-by-#s, texting/messaging with friends, learning Spanish, etc. The reason it is failing me now is so much heavy stuff has fallen on me all at once - a couple of unexpected deaths, a traumatic memory resurfacing, and my bro-in-law relapsed and my sister and niece may be moving in with my parents too (which would make for added drama and a very full house). That happened in less than a week…I can only deflect/distract from so much. I’m in overwhelm mode - and need a release.
Sorry to hear about your struggles. I understand how heavy things can be and how it feels like you don’t have a way to offload the weight. I read what you do to normally distract yourself but that isn’t working as well for you right now. I know there is a lot of restrictions with covid and everything going on but have you tried or thought about doing something to get outside for a little bit? I know it sounds silly but sometimes getting out into nature, a park or something and kind of grounding yourself can be so freeing. Find a spot where you can get out and literally just be able to sit on the ground with your favorite music.
I know it’s not always easy and sometimes being out in public can be uncomfortable when you’re struggling. But the nice thing about getting into nature is unconsciously you can let go of the weight and just breathe in fresh air and de stress.
Thank you for the idea. I love being outside - especially walking on a local nature trail. Unfortunately, it’s really hot here right now (94 degrees F)…so that makes it tough. I typically go out early in the morning, but it’s forecast to stay quite hot overnight. My meds increase my heat sensitivity…so I’ll have to evaluate in the morning if going out is safe.
Holy cow! Yeah, that is a lot of poo all hitting the fan at the same time! I can see why it’d be difficult to distract yourself from all that. It definitely sounds like you might want to try some new coping mechanisms to avoid falling back into self harming.
I’d like to echo the suggestions @joshc provided about nature and meditation, but I totally get where you’re coming from with the heat… I live in Texas… It’s HAAAAAWT! Personally, I struggle a lot with ruminating thoughts (a few of the same difficult thoughts on repeat in my head). I find meditation to be super helpful to release those thoughts rather than trying to ignore them. I like to go out in the back yard in the mornings and sit in the shade with my cup of coffee. I listen to the breeze and the birds and I just let the thoughts come. At first they’re always loud and aggressive, but I let them come, listen to them, then take a deep breath and as I’m exhaling, I imagine the thought drifting away from me. It’ll come back, but that’s okay. Every time it comes back, I take another deep breath and imagine it floating away again. Eventually the thoughts slow down, and there’s room in my brain for more pleasant thoughts. When I think of something that feels good (maybe something as simple as “the air smells so fresh”) I hold onto that thought and the good feeling that comes with it for a while.
Of course if it’s too hot to even sit outside in the shade, you can do this inside with some calming music or something. I can’t guarantee that it will help, but it can’t hurt to try. You’re very brave and strong to reach out while you’re struggling instead of relapsing back into destructive behaviors. Stay strong, friend. I hope you get some relief soon.
It sounds like you’ve made a lot of progress thus far. What sort of coping mechanisms have you been using to replace the urge to self harm? Is there some reason they don’t seem to be working right now?
Personally, I struggle a lot with ruminating thoughts (a few of the same difficult thoughts on repeat in my head). I find meditation to be super helpful to release those thoughts rather than trying to ignore them. I like to go out in the back yard in the mornings and sit in the shade with my cup of coffee. I listen to the breeze and the birds and I just let the thoughts come. At first they’re always loud and aggressive, but I let them come, listen to them, then take a deep breath and as I’m exhaling, I imagine the thought drifting away from me. It’ll come back, but that’s okay. Every time it comes back, I take another deep breath and imagine it floating away again. Eventually the thoughts slow down, and there’s room in my brain for more pleasant thoughts. When I think of something that feels good (maybe something as simple as “the air smells so fresh”) I hold onto that thought and the good feeling that comes with it for a while.