So i have a problem. My spouse’s therapist believes she has bpd. Which is not the problem in itself but through out the years due to being undiagnosed her behavior has pushed me away further and further. I understand the the symptoms of bpd and I know her issues now aren’t a complete reflection of me but because I internalized they way she made me feel, including her wanting to leave me and the kids because she can’t cope with the stress, which she has done this multiple times in our relationship, has made me want to give up and think that it maybe the best thing for her. I don’t want her to go but I feel like she just taken so much that my emotional and mental stability has wavered greatly. I’m not innocent either I’ve made mistakes, some of which she knows about and some she doesn’t. Which on top Of all this I have tremendous guilt which also makes want to distance myself. I don’t know what to do. I feel like if I confess she won’t have the capacity to handle it and I don’t know if I have the ability to carry on through her bpd to the point where she is mentally capable for me to talk to her about my mistakes and work through them. God I’m so confused on how to handle this.
Hey, I hear how hard things are. I’m technically in remission from BPD so fully understand from both sides. Remember a diagnosis won’t change who your wife is, it’ll just be a stepping stone into getting help. With the right therapy BPD can be helped quite a bit.
On the flip side, you also need to set boundaries and know your limits.
Depending on what you’re confessing, I think you need to be open and honest with her as much as you can. Lying hurts more than the truth. But at the same time you also have to make sure it’s safe to talk with her. Is she a risk to herself right now?
If you mean suicidal. No she is not. She even said yesterday that she has a inflated ego. We went through the symptom of bpd and she did not identify with feelings of self harm. I don’t want to lie to her, I want to be honest and forthcoming with my problems but I don’t feel safe to do so emotionally with her. I had a porn addiction that lead me to sexchat sites. I started to realize how wrong I was and stopped. I’ve been porn free for 11 months and more then 2 years free from any chat sites. I’ve had to overcome these thing by myself completely. Mostly through shame and self loathing. I’m currently on the up swing trying to heal forgive myself. I don’t want to hurt her and I don’t think she could handle or forgive me. I don’t know if I’ll truly be able to forgive myself completely unless I tell her. I’ve relied to much on my personal happiness on her to much over the years and when her symptoms of bpd showed up and I didn’t know what they were and I felt like it was a reflection of me, which in turn I sought fulfillment in the addiction.
Hi @Metaldad
I have BPD and I’ve been in a relationship for 12yrs. I totally understand about how she’s made you feel and it’s perfectly normal and ok to have feelings of wanting to distance yourself.
You both can heal from this, because BPD is manageable with the proper treatment and support. My boyfriend learned about BPD with me and it’s helped him understand why I think the way I do and how he can adapt to help me understand and accept things better.
You said you’ve done things too, but for someone with BPD it’s very hard to see the grey in things and forgive, because we see people and situations as either good or bad… no in-between. This can change on a dime too, so it’s probably why it’s been a cycle.
You can find support groups too online that might help you cope or understand better.
Just remember that her symptoms are not coming from her, they are being fueled by her BPD and lack of coping skills and discovery.
I hope you find peace 
This is very important. I would rather be told the truth than to be kept from it or lied to. It just makes it worse.
That’s what scares me the most. The no grey area. Because I know I’m not a bad person, and I am a good father. My self loathing comes from not seeing the grey. I know she can’t see gray but honestly the vast majority of people in this world are grey. If you put people in only in black and white categories u end up putting people on pedestals that are impossible for people to be. People fail, no one is perfect, people make mistakes in life. love and forgiving is the only way to make lasting relationships.
You’re exactly right. That’s what we do, we put people on pedestals and they are the best person in the world, even it’s a parasocial relationship. But, the second you do anything that we deem as bad/evil that all changes and we do anything we can to erase you from our lives.
We don’t know we’re doing this until we become self aware of it. That’s when we usually ask for forgiveness and the cycle keeps going. Even being self aware we fall into it.
I don’t know if it would be better to wait until she can learn some coping skills and why she thinks the way she does or what, but if it were me, I would want to know.
My heart is dying to tell her. But my own fear of rejection hurts more then I could imagine. The fact is that it might happen but I’m working on myself to be strong so that I can withstand the storm.
It’s very complicated, but you have to do what your heart tells you. You’re mental health is just as important as hers.
I think you should maybe go to counseling together and tell her in a safe environment, especially with there being children involved. That’s a lot to take in and it’ll be something you’ll both need to work on together if yous decide that’s the right thing to do, and I think you’ll both need support once it’s out in the open.
Well done on the recovery from your addiction though 
I agree and that’s what I truly want.
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