TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDE ATTEMPT
This post is going to be very long, and very traumatic, please read with caution.
Last night, I found myself in tears standing on a bridge, looking over the edge pondering everything about life.
Last night I almost jumped.
I wanted to go for a walk to clear my head, I’m not 100 percent sure if I knew in that moment I was going to jump or not, but I knew I was headed to that bridge.
My fiance found me walking, and he told me to get in the car, when I told him no, he knew. So he called 911.
As I’m standing over the bridge, a car pulls over and asks if I’m okay, I say no, and that’s when I lose it. I jut begin sobbing, and I can’t gather my thoughts. At this point someone had called 911, and well next thing i know i turn around there’s 10 cop cars, an ambulance and a fire truck all surrounding me.
Now let me preface this here: I KNOW THIS IS THERE JOB. I DONT HATE COPS OR EMS OR FIREFIGHTERS AT ALL. I SUPPOR THEM.
But turning around to see all of them there made everything worse, because I didn’t want anyone to stop me. The car that stopped, the driver got out and came and stood and talked with him. And when he walked toward me the first thing I told him was, I don’t want anyone to stop me.
As I was standing on the bridge, I was on my phone. Looking back at conversations with members of heart support I’d had. Emails with mentors from HS in the past, and things I knew would encourage me to get down.
So we talked probably 5 minutes but what seemed so much shorter before everyone arrived. And I looked at him and I said them all being here just makes me want to jump more.
So the first cop walks up to me, and the first thing he says is, that jump isn’t very far down, it wouldn’t kill you just seriously harm you. And at that point I shut down, I was done talking. That’s not what was going to help me step down.
Needless to say a nice female officer came up, after I pretty much told that cop he’s not helping. And we just started talking. She asked about me, what I do for work, and what I love to do. I told her that I’m getting ready to get married and we talked about the wedding. She offered to let me sit in her car and talk cause it was cold.
At that point I had to decide: If I step down off this bridge, there’s no way in hell they let me back up. But I trusted her, which was my biggest mistake.
As soon as I stepped down, everyone swarmed me, they attempted to grab my arms. Myself and the female officer had made a deal that she would let me go talk to my fiance and they didn’t want to let me do that, they wanted to take me to the car. But i went anyways.
When I saw my fiance, he was crying. I walked up to the car window, handed him my phone, and told him I’m sorry, this isn’t your fault. And the cop escorted me to the back of his car.
The entire way to the hospital I cried, I felt out of place, alone and not understood.
So I got to the hospital, and this time it was different. I wasn’t put in a normal hospital bed. It was a small room, with an aluminum bed, covered in a thin sheet, with a pillow that just looked like a small folded up blanket. Nothing on the walls, nothing in the room.
I sat there for what felt like an hour alone, nobody came in to check on me. And the nurse walked in and introduced herself, and said she was here to take my vitals. And I couldn’t utter any words, other than I want to go home, and tell my fiancé I’m sorry.
She got my vitals, and she told me my blood pressure was high and my pulse, which was to be understood. A few minutes later a doctor another guy and a social worker came in. And I honestly wanted to just tell them to leave, after the bullshit with the cops, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. But I knew not talking to anyone wouldn’t do any good.
But then the doctor got down on my level, and he talked to me. Mind you this is the doctor, not the social worker. And told me how his wife had just had a miscarriage a few years back, and she just had their miracle baby.
So I talked with him for quite some time, and just told him where my head was at. He and the other guy left the room, and it was just me and the social worker. I was shaking and upset, she offered to get me a warm blanket, and I declined. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. But she’s like are you sure, and she went and got me one.
So then we just talked about everything, and then she said she was going to go call my fiancé and talk to him. And I was like okay. And I was in the room alone in the quiet for about an hour. I didn’t know what to do, so I didn’t move. A nurse walked by my room every 10 minutes to make sure I was okay, but didn’t say a word. And finally she came back… and her next words were not what I wanted to hear.
She said, “He doesn’t know if it’s best for you to come home, he’s worried about you.” And in that moment my mind went to the worst, he doesn’t want to marry me anymore. She told me she was going to let me talk to him, and then she would come back and get the phone and then call him back. So I called him, and his attitude was SOOOO MUCH different then what she had told me. so it brought me some relief. But we talked about what we can do to ensure I’m safe at home, and work on things to make me happier and to help my mental.
So she came and grabbed the phone, and was like so did he say he wants you to come home? And I’m like yeah. She’s like okay well I’ll go talk to him. And about 20 minutes later, the doctor came back and sat back down on the bed.
I kinda prepared myself for the worst. And he said if you ever feel this way again, promise me that you’ll come here first before going to the bridge. And he asked if I needed any resources or anything. Then he told me he gave me a doctors note for tomorrow (so today) to take today off and get some rest, and then I went home.
My fiance came and got me, and I was scared. I wasn’t sure what he was going to say. But to be honest, between him picking me up and now I feel like he had a mind switch. He’s been patient and calm with me, and really paying attention to my needs as well. He said he wanted me to come home, but he wanted me to be okay as well.
We drove past the bridge last night where I was standing on the way home, and my anxiety sky rocketed. And if I’m honest I’m scared, and traumatized. Will I forever know that bridge as the one I almost jumped off of, will it forever traumatize me?
Anyways if you made it this far, thank you for reading, and I’m sorry if none of this made sense.
When I read old emails and messages between myself and heart support mentors, I knew in that moment, I would be walking down off that bridge. So I can only thank you guys for forever being a thought in the back of my head when times get tough, and knowing this is a safe place I can forever come back to.
