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Started self harming i think?

i don’t know if i would categorize it as self harm or not but i’ve started taking a dull knife with the tip broken off so it’s not sharp and pressing it hard against my arm and running it along so it leaves marks. i don’t do it enough to bleed because i don’t want it to hurt, i just do it enough to leave a mark and take some skin off. is this considered self harm? i started doing it a week ago when i was bored and now it just helps me in some way. i like the way the marks look and it’s a reminder of how much i hate myself. it just kind of feels good. my friend got mad at me when i told him about it and he’s busy and dealing with a lot of stuff so i’m not sure i should tell him that i did it again and plan on doing it everytime the marks fade. i don’t know if he really cares that i do it or not. maybe he does? it’s just hard to believe anybody would waste time caring about me. i’ve become even more of an idiot lately. i’ve been slipping up and telling my friend about how i feel and stuff and i don’t want to. i don’t want to trouble him with all of that. he doesn’t deserve that. he has better things to do, i’m just being selfish. i think i’m really selfish. i want to ask him if i am but i don’t want to cause him more annoyance than i already have… there’s a lot of things i want to ask him. i just want some nice things said about me too… i never get any sort of compliments or anything usually but i want some. i know i have nothing and do nothing worthy of any sort of praise but i just want a compliment. i want to feel god about myself too sometimes… the reason i don’t get any is because there’s nothing to feel good about myself though, right? there’s never been anything good about me. i’m worthless and disgusting. i’m annoying and need to just shut up. but i want to be told that somebody cares about me… i want to be told how much i mean to them and have it be sincere. why is that so much to ask for?

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There are sites that tell you to wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it mimic the sensation of cutting. A lot of people now are saying that alternatives like this and what you’re doing is still a form of self harm because it can cause pain, redness and bruising. Using these things doesn’t necessarily distract you during a moment of crisis but can increase your desire to self harm.

All the negative things you’ve said about yourself in your post are not true… not in the least bit.

You ARE worthy.

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Yes, it is self-harm. You’re minimizing what it is, but you also say that you’re taking some skin off.

If you’ve just started doing this, I’d encourage you to speak with someone about it very soon. It’s a habit that can become all-consuming, and any temporary gains/benefits will eventually be lost to more negative emotions once it takes holds, almost like a compulsion.
Found this online:

Through self-injury, the person may be trying to:

  • Manage or reduce severe distress or anxiety and provide a sense of relief
  • Provide a distraction from painful emotions through physical pain
  • Feel a sense of control over his or her body, feelings, or life situations
  • Feel something — anything — even if it’s physical pain, when feeling emotionally empty
  • Express internal feelings in an external way
  • Communicate depression or distressful feelings to the outside world
  • Be punished for perceived faults

You may not see if, but the rest of your post is full of deep details, and it reveals so much. I’m gonna make this a long post, to help you see how great you are at expressing yourself, and that you’re more aware than you give yourself credit for!


Negative self-talk:

it’s a reminder of how much i hate myself.
it’s just hard to believe anybody would waste time caring about me.
i’ve become even more of an idiot lately.
i’m just being selfish.
i think i’m really selfish.
i want to ask him if i am but i don’t want to cause him more annoyance than i already have
i know i have nothing and do nothing worthy of any sort of praise but i just want a compliment.
the reason i don’t get any is because there’s nothing to feel good about myself though, right?
there’s never been anything good about me.
i’m worthless and disgusting.
i’m annoying and need to just shut up.

why is that so much to ask for?

it’s a reminder of how much i hate myself.
i don’t know if he really cares that i do it or not. maybe he does?
it’s just hard to believe anybody would waste time caring about me.
i’ve been slipping up and telling my friend about how i feel and stuff and i don’t want to.
i don’t want to trouble him with all of that.
he doesn’t deserve that.
he has better things to do, i’m just being selfish.
i think i’m really selfish.
i want to ask him if i am but i don’t want to cause him more annoyance than i already have
there’s a lot of things i want to ask him.
i just want some nice things said about me too

Do you see the pattern of your actual thoughts?

I feel bad about myself, so I self-harm.
I want someone to make me feel worthy/special/loved/cared for/important
I told my friend, but his caring scared me, and I am doubting whether he cares for me at all although he has always said that he did
I don’t like myself, so I am going to taint the way I perceive his caring by doubting it. (This has absolutely nothing to do with your friend, but all to do with how you are receiving and perceiving his affection to suit your narrative of being unlovable - you’re actively rejecting all the evidence of being loved)
I shall now put up walls to protect myself, I’ll convince myself that asking him/opening up to him/ sharing my feelings is an annoyance, when really I’m so damn scared to open myself up to believing that I deserve more, and I want more, but it hurts and scares me
he’s my friend, and he takes the time to share how he feels, so I will now discount that, and say that I’m being a burden and a pest and that way I can make it seem like he doesn’t like me as much because I’m scared.


i just want some nice things said about me too

i never get any sort of compliments or anything usually but i want some.
i know i have nothing and do nothing worthy of any sort of praise but i just want a compliment.
i want to feel god about myself too sometimes
the reason i don’t get any is because there’s nothing to feel good about myself though, right?
there’s never been anything good about me.
i’m worthless and disgusting.
i’m annoying and need to just shut up.
-but i want to be told that somebody cares about me
i want to be told how much i mean to them and have it be sincere.
why is that so much to ask for?

You said what you want, and before anyone can jump in with our love and respect and genuine positive words, you’ve put up the wall to block it. You want the compliments, you want the caring, but you are undermining it before it’s said.

If anyone were to say any of those things to you, we would not be believed, would we? Because you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t deserve it, so you won’t really listen to those words.
Do you see why it’s so hard?
It’s not too much to ask. It’s the bare minimum to ask. The challenge is in getting you able to hear and accept the affection we have for you, that your friend has for you. You ae surrounded by love, We just need you to learn how to believe it, and to override the voices in you that say bad things about it.


hope this wasn’t too overwhelming for you!

tldr: you are loved, by us, by your friend.

You have to work on being able to get your mind to accept that, and to reduce the intense negative self talk you have. You’re awesome, we all think so, we need you to start liking you :slight_smile:

Stay strong friend,
Things can get better!

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I’m going to repeat this not only for Echo, but for myself.

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Yes it is, although it may be considered less harmful self-harm. The problem is that it’s like walking very close to the edge of a cliff. It wouldn’t take much to be triggered to perform a much more harmful form of self-harm. Even harmless self-harm can delay the development of more effective coping strategies.

Your boyfriend became angry with you because he cares. Why does he care? Could it be that he finds you worth caring about? Could it be that he sees your inherent goodness, and wants to support your healing? He may only be able to verbalize anger, but the underlying emotions have everything to do with caring about you.

You have a pattern of negative self talk, which programs your subconscious in the direction of self sabotage, and triggering behaviors that help you live down to low expectations of yourself. You seem to have removed all of your self-credibility.

I feel really bad for you. You don’t deserve to be treated the way you treat yourself. Something terribly unfair has happened to you, even if it’s strictly a case of cultural conditioning, that has prevented you from seeing your true value and goodness.

I would like to point out a bit of cognitive dissonance. With such a negative self perception, it would seem reasonable to give other people’s opinions greater weight than your own. If other people see the good in you, and reasons to love you, which opinion should have greater weight, yours or theirs? It comes down to who is right, you or them? Either you have to accept the evidence they have presented to you, to prove you are a good person, or if you decide that you are right, that you are “worthless,” it indicates belief that their ability to perceive you is also worthless. I think we both know that isn’t the case.

If I tell you that you are sensitive, have a good conscience, and care about the feelings of others, even willing to sacrifice for them, and very much worth caring about, and with over half a century of experience in making such assessments, should you believe me and others who love you, or your negative self talk?

It’s not too much to ask for, but you might be around people who have yet to become good at expressing such feelings. I believe that you are loved. I’ve already learned enough about you that I care about you as well.

I’m not an expert in therapy related to self-harm, but I’m pretty sure a large part of it is self acceptance, and willingness to accept your own basic goodness.

Please check back in and let us know how you’re doing.

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Hey there, Echo. I don’t have much advice to give sadly, but I do have one thing to say.
A few years ago I started doing something similar as you are doing, taking a dull object and harming myself with it, not enough to bleed, just enough to leave marks, like you said. I convinced myself this wasn’t self-harm and just a mostly harmless stress reliever. Something that I didn’t realize was happening was I was getting used to that feeling and the look of the marks and my brain started to want more. Eventually I got to the point where I was bleeding and I was seriously harming myself. That first time I used the dull object to harm myself, was also the beginning of a long and painful self-harm addiction. Thankfully I’m clean now and I believe in you and your ability to stop this now before it gets too bad.

As the other people replying to you have said, what you’re doing is still self-harm even if it doesn’t seem like it or seem “serious enough” to be self-harm. I urge you to talk to someone about this, whether it be a parent, school counselor, or a mental health professional. Self-harm is a serious addiction that leads to no where good and is easier to stop before it even really gets started.

I know how hard it can be to let go of something like this but there are other ways to deal with mental health issues and you don’t have to take this route. Take it from someone who’s been there, it’s not worth it.

You matter and you are worth so much more than words could ever explain. You mean the absolute world to me and I love you so much, even though I don’t know you and you don’t know me, I love you and care about you so much more than you know. Never be afraid to reach out to me or anyone else on this wall, and never hesitate to make another post on here whenever you need to. You’re never alone and there is hope. Hold fast, my friend. :heart:

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It’s like a gateway drug. I started by scratching the top of my hand. I’m glad you pointed this out. :slight_smile:

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It absolutely is self harm, it can be tempting to minimize it so that it won’t have to be dealt with, but OP please do. You are worthy of attention and care, you are are worthy of having someone help you out through this. It might feel like people don’t care, it can feel embarrassing to confide in someone, but you’ll be so much happier when you confess to someone you care about. Some people do really care and want to help you out : ) I am of course no expert but this is just what I do when dealing with my problems that are small or big.

Professional help is definitely definitely something you should explore. Then again, if we’re being totally realistic, it’s not an option to many people subject to where you’re from, etc. But if it’s a possibility YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD CONSIDER IT. here’s a website you can get certified therapy or free trained listeners’ help online: 7cups.com

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so i had a breakdown before i went to sleep about wanting to continue doing it and honestly just wanting to get a regular blade and actually getting myself to bleed and cutting deeper into my skin and i’m still thinking about that but i’m trying not to. guilt tripping myself into not doing it which might be the wrong way to go about it but at least it’s working for now

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I’m very proud of you for pushing through that. Look up some lists and tips of things you can do when you have the urges, distraction is something that helps me a lot. You got this friend, I believe in you and you’re worth fighting for. :heart:

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Hey Echo,
So much has been said to you now about this and I think you have been well and truly given a a firm reply to your question. All I would like to say to you now is that I am very grateful to you for asking the question because deep down I think you already might have known that you were at the beginning of something that could get out of your control and you are reaching out. For that I am grateful and so very proud of you. Please keep doing that, never be afraid to ask any questions, however small or insignificant they may seem. We are here to support you and that is what we will do. Take care of yourself, its amazing that you are taking control of yourself, stay strong.
Much Love
Lisa. :heart:

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Please, please, please don’t give in.

@echo what do you think about all that has been written here to you? From people like me who have been thru what you’re going thru. People that know how the path will look for you if you give in. People that have countless scars to remind them of their dark times.

People who are begging you to not go there because… we know.

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Well done for not giving in, @echo. To add to what everyone here have shared with you, I would strongly encourage you to have a look at both the #self-harm category/tag of the forum - if that is safe for you - , because these are stories of people stuck with this habit as an addiction, and who experience how hard it is to get out of it.

https://forum.heartsupport.com/tag/self-harm

I would also encourage you to have a look at the different resources shared here as well - I’ve picked the self-harm tag for you:

There is a lot to learn from others experiences and why it’s not worth it to start any of this. Even if it’s just out of curiosity or “once in a while”. That’s how I’ve been stuck with eating disorders and really hit rock bottom with it in the past. Self-harm as well is not something you want to end up trapped with.

We believe in you. :hrtlegolove:

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really feeling like i want to cut my arms open or grab a curved knife and just jam it into my chest and slice down my abdomen. i hate myself so much. haven’t cut myself since i first made this post but i still really want to

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You can go through this moment without hurting yourself, @echo. The urge will fade away progressively. Is there something you could do in order to shift your focus for something that helps you?

If you need some ideas, I’d recommend you to check on the app Calm Harm. It’s very practical and easy to use, and full of suggestions of things to do instead of hurting ourselves.

If you are not safe or in danger right now, please don’t hesitate to call a crisis line too.

You’re not alone. :hrtlegolove: