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Step 4. Abuse

Have I ever been abused? By who? What feelings did I or do I now have about it?
I was 13 years old, and I became friends with someone online who I now know lied to me about his age. His name was Anton, he told me he was 17, he was actually 21. He somehow managed to get my mobile number, even today I still don’t know how he did. He started sending me some inappropriate texts, I thought nothing of it, I was 13, I didn’t have much of a childhood. It then got a point where he started asking me to do things on camera and send him pictures and he would threaten me and my sister if I said no. Shortly after, I was walking to my work experience placement, and he had shown up where I lived and stopped me. He started kissing me, touching me and told me I wasn’t allowed to even talk. I had to do what he wanted… He said if I told anyone, he would do it again. He continued the sexual abuse over text for a while after…

The other 2 situations are pretty similar, the only difference is where I met the guys and that one had multiple personality disorder. I met Ross/Opal online through my youngest sister, I met Paul in a college class. I was 17 when the situation with Ross/Opal) happened, and 19 when it repeated with Paul. Me and Ross got on very well, spent hours gaming with each other, so when we found out we lived in the same place and attended the same college, of course we got excited. When we met for the first time he introduced me to Opal who apprently wanted to date me… His other personality that Ross was in love with. After the first day, he started showing up outside my classrooms, waiting for me to finish - now, take to mind that I hadn’t ever told him my timetable or told him the room numbers, and I was in 4 different rooms a day. I thought that was weird, but it gets worse. He started to do little things like hold my hand, put his arm around me, tell people I was his sister, but as Opal, told people I was her girlfriend. She tried to talk me into having a 3-way relationship with them… After I said no, they stalked me every day, all day on college grounds, to the point the I had to quit.

Paul was basically the same, only there wasn’t a personality disorder in the mix and it went outside of college. Not only would he have to be constantly attached to me and my best friend, but he actually had a tracking app on us so he could see where we were. He would then just randomly show up when we were out together and follow us around all day. This happened for at least 2 years. He even started working at the same damn place that I’ve worked for 5 years.

So, there it is. The things I wasn’t ready to face, and honestly still don’t believe I am. I didn’t know any of this stuff was abuse until recently. I’ve discussed a lot of the other abuse I’ve been through before with y’all, and apparently that still wasn’t enough. Just shows I’m good for nothing but being a target, right?

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Kayla,

Thank You.

Right now, I’m just a whole bunch of admiration and love for you.

You are inspiring, sincerely.
And the person you are, is light-years away from your last sentence.

:heart:

It doesn’t feel like that at time though.

Kayla I hope you know that all these things that happened aren’t your fault even if it feels like it.

I hope this helps

You were asked to be honest with yourself about how it makes you feel, I assume in order to work on these feelings after acknowledging it (sorry, I don’t know much about step programs). And you managed to reach that level of honesty. This is admirable.

I sincerely hope that you’ll manage, over time, to remove this feeling of guilt. Because it wasn’t your fault.

:heart:

I’m so sorry that happened to you. You’re not alone. I was sexually abused a few years ago (I made a post earlier if you’d like to hear the story). Much luv hunny :heart: