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Step by step

It has been a while since I posted last, and I wanted to tell a bit about my progress.

In my last posts I wrote about my paranoia of being rejected and pushed out, and trying to overcome this paranoia. It turned out that not all of my feelings are paranoia and there is actually someone in my friends group who is activly trying to bully me out of the community. I have analysed the situation with the help of others, and they also agree, that it is not only my personal perception.
I have tried everything to resolve this situation, but sadly it didn’t work out, and I am adviced to leave this community after it has become toxic and unhealthy for me because of one person who is manipulative af.

I am trying to deal with the situation as good as I can, from just ignoring the bullying to seeking emotional support, but it seems that it does worse to me than staying in this community. As I know it would be better to leave I am still struggling with it for weeks.

On the positive side, I finally started on my wooden art work, and did my first own design and piece, for which I got in general positive feedback. I learned a lot while going to the final piece, and I am glad I eventually did start with it.

I am constantly dealing with my suicidal thoughts. Sometimes they are very intense, and once I have overcome (survived?) a deep dark phase the thoughts are still there, but only a whisper, to a level I ask myself why they were so strong before.

The situation in the community still supports my feelings of being a burden and unworthy, and I am not sure how to deal with that. I am at a point where I try to accept it as a fact, I just have to live with that I just don’t count to certain people, and even those who do not activly bully me do not seem to give a shit about what is happening with me.

I know that I cannot be protected from this kind of toxic behavior, and I have to learn to deal with it, as everybody else. I am just very thin skinned about that at the moment, and it triggers way too many feelings than it should, and I do not really know how to get along with it.

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Ezra,

Sounds like you are making progress, indeed – you are reaching out and working through a difficult relationship issue, and you are making significant progress through those suicidal thoughts. Things are not “all better”, but they are getting better, and for that I am proud of you. It is hard to face things that feel confusing and difficult and things that you feel powerless against, but you are continuing to try and try again, and that is so good. Way to go! I hope that the community bit resolves well, and that ultimately you find learning from the situation and room to accept yourself.

there has been a development in that situation that I described in my latest post.

Posted back! Thanks for the heads up, Ezra.