Still dealing with heartbreak / Also dealing with a creep

  1. It been almost mouth, since I had issue with a friend. I told her I had feeling for her. My therapist, family and friend told give her space. She was going messagevme back, but she hasn’t. Then people tell to move on from her. I dealing a lot heartache and suicidal thoughts.

  2. Then got other ex friend that won’t leave me alone. I honestly don’t like as a person anymore. He kept pushing my boundaries, kept asking to stay at my beach house when I said no. He was too much drama man and I honestly don’t like hanging out with him. Never stop harassing me man and also start drama with me and my mom. The thing is , I don’t try end friendship, I don’t leave people, I try to be a good friend this guy and he begging on his knee, to be his friend.

I feel selfish in both these situations, I know I need let my close female friends go and give her space. She has right to be own person and don’t own her. But I still want to be good friend with her.

I feel like an asshole to this creepy guy, but I don’t want to be friend with this guy anymore. I don’t feel bad about hurt king feeling, cause I just don’t like him. I know it fuck up thing to say .

Foolish I want at least reach out to my female friend, I just don’t want to snap at her, cause I’m hurt and broken. I just wanna at least be chill with her. Trying make it not wired when we see each other in person. Cause I know I can’t help myself and just had to just let happen. I just want to say it in the right way.

3 Likes

Hey @Metalskater1990 ,

You’ve been having a lot to deal with in terms of relationships lately. I’ve seen the turmoil it puts you in and wanted to reiterate how admirable and inspiring it is to see the way you navigate through all of this. Your post right here is so full of wisdom and healthy insights. You are aware of how you feel, while also managing to consider reality in a more rational way. That is true strength.

For your first friend, I really hope that you find some peace soon. You have been advised in a good way and you have been respectful by giving her space – I truly commend you for that. I hear though this temptation to talk to her again, and it is not unreasonable to want to just manage to have a chill relationship with her, for things to not be too awkward between you two in the future. On that matter specifically, I would encourage you to ask yourself: what is your desire to speak to her coming form? Is it because you still feel hurt and needs somehow a connection, still? Or do you feel at peace right now and in a good space emotionally to try to invite her to move on from all of this, together or separately? If the you feel like it is closer to an emotional impulse, still, then I’d encourage you to keep giving yourself and her some time, just because what would come from this interaction could trigger another layer of painful emotions to you. So you need to make sure that you are, at first, in a really good and stable headspace. To be confident about that.

As for your other friend, you are of course in no obligation to maintain a friendship if you don’t want to. It’s hard to cut ties with someone, to set boundaries. The fact that you care about how they feel and don’t want to be a jerk shows how much you care about doing the right thing. From there, I personally think you can only be honest with him, but also just mindful with the words you would use. You can express recognition for the good memories eventually, but also let them know that you would like to not be in contact anymore. His reaction may be full of attachment, but it’s also not you to fulfill this need for him. Separations hurt and there a part of that pain that he will learn to deal with, one that will not be yours to carry. I know it’s really hard to create this distance though without feeling like being a monster. I promise you that you’re not. It’s just the kind of live experience that rarely has good sides. Through it all though, your peace is essential to protect, and you are not guilty for prioritizing it.

Again, I hope with all my heart that peace and calm will remain soon in your life. Make sure to take care of yourself. There are quite some burdens that you may be carrying but shouldn’t be yours at the moment. :hrtlegolove:

2 Likes

Micro’s offering great advice regarding your female friend. If you’re still aching from loss, it’ll be difficult for you to be around her without feeling unwanted emotions. She’ll probably sense them and feel uncomfortable about it. When you’re feeling at peace and positive about her, and can talk to her without triggering pain or a sense of urgency, then it’ll probably be okay to talk to her.

Regarding your creep “friend,” I remember having a discussion about him before. It sounds like he hasn’t changed. Respect is a genuine element of friendship. By all indications, this guy doesn’t know how to respect, hence he hasn’t respected your boundaries, and is using a claim of friendship in order to use you. That doesn’t mean he’s intentionally a bad person. It’s more likely that he’s not matured beyond the egocentric stage of childhood. That’s not something you can fix, and he certainly won’t be motivated to change as long as he can use emotional blackmail to remain attached to you or someone else.

1 Like

Hi Metalskater1990,

Both of these situations are intrinsically uncertain, which, at least for me, would make them incredibly stressful and difficult to disengage from. Uncertainty coupled with a feeling of a lack of control is overwhelming and disorientating.

I’ve recently dealt with the same combination of problems, so your post really stood out to me. Telling someone you know that you see them as more than friends is one of the hardest things you can do. I’m proud of you that you found the strength to be honest with your friend, but unfortunately it does change friendships. You can’t just move on, that’s impossible and I don’t know why people say it. It hurts and feels like your world is falling away from under you. Allow yourself to be hurt, because heartbreak is real and painful. I can’t tell you that you’ll forget how you feel about her, but it will get easier to bear. I’m a few months down the road from you and the pain does get better, I promise.

Having a person who makes you feel uncomfortable, who wants to be your friend is such a complex one and I totally understand your dilemma. I had the same issue with an ex-partner and it was one of the most stressful things I’ve ever experienced and made me feel terrified about opening any communication in case he’d messaged me. I know this isn’t about me, I just want to include this here because it is past tense. Like Micro said, you have no obligation to be a friend to someone and if communicating with that person is causing you stress and having an impact on your quality of life, there is no reason for you to do so. In my case, I was honest with my ex-partner and told them they were making me feel uncomfortable and that I thought it was better for both of us to just not communicate. I wasn’t rude and I tried to explain my mental health position. It wasn’t a nice experience and they weren’t happy obviously, but it ended. I can’t tell you how to deal with your situation as I obviously don’t know the details, but what I can see is that you’re overwhelmed and I want that to change.

I don’t think you have to completely cut contact with your friend, I think it’s just a matter of not crowding them. Again, I think honesty is important. Say that you want to be friends and that you don’t have romantic expectations. I’m sure she is also feeling uncertain about the situation. I can’t guarantee that your friendship will be the same; sharing our feelings is always a risk but that doesn’t mean it’s not a risk worth taking.

Stay strong friend x

2 Likes