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Still fighting myself (struggling w self-harm)

I normally type out a lot on here, but I’m just not feeling it rn. The bf and I got into a bit of an argument and I resorted to hitting myself in the head again. I’m awful. I’m the worst for putting either of us through that but he’s been so short tempered lately that I just fucking lost it and I hurt myself because he is usually telling me how wrong I am or how I feel or whether I understand something or not. As if he fucking knows what’s in my head. I hope I knock myself out next time, maybe that will be easier.

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Hey there dear @bluejay_18

So sorry you’ve been going through this experience. I can imagine you have had a lot of overwhelm lately and feeling bad with your partner’s attitude. I hope you know you don’t deserve pain from his attitude or mood problems. I understand at the moment it may have seemed like the best option, but please try not to hurt yourself because of his issue or an argument.

How have you been managing other sensory or overwhelm moments? I know for me if things are too heated I have to go to a quiet room and breathe and calm down for awhile. I can find myself doing negative things to myself like picking or scratching at my skin in my anxious or stressed moments. It’s something I am working on too. It can help a lot to have something like a rock with a texture side or a fabric with knitted texture and run my fingernails across it. Maybe you could find something like that to focus the energy while your mind works through stuff?

I think the other side of this is your partner needs to work on their anger and should not be using you as their sounding board for their frustration in life. If it is something you are both doing to each other you both need to talk it out and discuss limits on this stuff. Maybe stuff is bottled up and making him short because he isn’t able to express some frustration? He could write it out instead if he is not comfortable or able to express verbally.

Hope your week goes better from here @bluejay_18 <3 Mish

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hi bluejay!

thank you for being here and letting us in on such a vulnerable time in your life. you do not deserve the pain, mental or physical, that you’re going through. does your boyfriend know how the way he treats you hurts you deeply? my hope is that there can be some transparent discussions between y’all before you hurt yourself again before he gets short-tempered… the physical torment you put yourself through won’t solve the pain going on between you and i want to avoid you causing any long-term damage to your body.

your priority is to protect yourself always because your life is valuable. even though he doesn’t know what is in your head, let him know a bit so you can both protect each other’s hearts and minds. you both will be in my thoughts as y’all find clarity and understanding between one another.

love,
twix

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Hello, bluejay! You are not an awful person.

You are a strong person and you take such good care of yourself. I know that from your previous posts. You are a very impressive person. I hope you find a healthy way to escape from your bf during these moments rather than turning to self harm. You are worth so much more than this.

You matter :hrtlegolove:
-eloquentpetrichor

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Hey BlueJay,

First and foremost, you are not awful. You are not the worst.

I’ll say that again.

You are not awful. You are not the worst. Though I may not know the fine details of what you are going through, please don’t blame yourself. Relationships are difficult, and take work. That includes both sides. I hope that you’re able to tell your partner what you told us, and that they understand what you’re trying to convey.

Please, be gentle on yourself. You have so much worth, please don’t feel like you need to harm yourself to deal with this. You are loved, and you matter, friend.

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Hey @bluejay_18
Thank you for your post, I completely get where you are coming from with these feelings that have come up during this argument with your bf when someone tells you that you are wrong or “gets in your head” I understand that noise and heat that builds up in your head that made you want to bang it against the wall, I have been there myself but friend its not the answer, its not healthy, you have no idea what damage you could be doing to yourself, I have been trying to think of another way that you could get that frustration out and its hard because its pretty spcecific and I dont want you to hurt yourself so my suggestion albeit one that is going to take longer to manage is to please go into a different room than your partner, breathe different air then them, the atmosphere needs to be clearer and so that you can clear your mind of what is going on, then rest your eyes and breathe. Please believe me when I tell you that I have been there and this can work but it takes time but in the long run you dont get hurt and you learn a healthy technique. You deserve this. Much Love Lisalovesfeathers. xx

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hi there @bluejay_18 ,
thank you for sharing this post with us.

you are not. You’re hurting and you’re trying to find a way to cope with some really huge emotions.

It sounds like you and your bf get pretty heated when you have disagreements. Having disagreements should never ever result in you harming yourself. I am so sorry that your bf has not been as supportive recently.
I want to remind you that you deserve to feel loved, safe and respected in your relationship. If he is is constantly putting you down or dismissing your feelings, that’s not very nice or respectful.

Have you tried to do some deep breathing exercises? When our emotions are super strong and taking over, it can be very useful to be able to stop and breathe and help our bodies have a moment to cope with what’s going on. You totally deserve to feel safe and loved, and I hope that you can find some ways to deal with these emotions in a safer way.

You can also try talking to a therapist to help you learn some coping skills and also to help you learn how to better communicate with your bf, and to foster a better means of communication between you too.
You absolutely matter, and you are worthy. You’re loved as you are.

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