So I am currently doing the best I can to stay sober which right now I am currently 4 months 10 days 22 hours and 58 minutes sober. I’ve thought about relapsing when my wallet was stolen and a few times when I had missed work for life events. I’ve still been thinking about it, but I have not gone into any place where I can buy alcohol and if I am in a place, I have no funds on me to spend. It’s tough though because I’m over the effort, but I do not want to get back into my old habits.
Currently I am waiting to see if I am officially approved for an townhouse I applied for in August, but my anxiety is telling me I’m not getting it. My anxiety medicine did not work well today and I couldn’t remember what time I took the first pill so I did not take a second one, but I will just before bed. I am worried that I am not going to get the promotion I was offered because they want my schedule adherence to be 90%, but for the past couple weeks, it’s been consistently between 79-86 percent (Mainly in the 80’s). For me, it’s not intentional. Most days my children give me a hard time getting ready before work/school even if we wake up earlier than my alarms. I’ve missed a few days because I was too sick to go in (They would have definitely asked me to leave and not come back until a COVID test was done) and one or two days missed for mental health reasons, and one day because of my stuff being stolen so I had to spend a whole day cancelling cards, getting new cards, disputes, police report, alerts on my medical cards for my children and myself, etc.
I just want for this one time in my life for everything to fall in place and not hear the famous quotes of “you’ll find better” or “it’s for the best.” F**k that sh*t! My children and I deserve better. We have been patient for too long and I have been working way too hard, barely sleeping and eating, just to get us into a better lifestyle. The time is now!
I’m trying not to let the negativity get to me or be disappointed if everything is a no. I feel like if I can’t get these goals accomplished this time around, I will give in, relapse, and give up. I just don’t want to go back to hopelessness, I don’t want to break again and go for another extended stay at the hospital on the most soul depleting floor there. I don’t want to lose motivation to continue on the right path. And I don’t have anyone physical around to decrease my stress level. I don’t have a partner who could comfort me. My family are the ones who give those stupid “it gets better” lines. Yes, I still feel completely alone and lost and I am not a fan of doing this all (for three children and myself) alone anymore. It’s soul crushing to start over and over again and again. But I’m still doing all I can to hang in there.