So I am currently doing the best I can to stay sober which right now I am currently 4 months 10 days 22 hours and 58 minutes sober. I’ve thought about relapsing when my wallet was stolen and a few times when I had missed work for life events. I’ve still been thinking about it, but I have not gone into any place where I can buy alcohol and if I am in a place, I have no funds on me to spend. It’s tough though because I’m over the effort, but I do not want to get back into my old habits.
Currently I am waiting to see if I am officially approved for an townhouse I applied for in August, but my anxiety is telling me I’m not getting it. My anxiety medicine did not work well today and I couldn’t remember what time I took the first pill so I did not take a second one, but I will just before bed. I am worried that I am not going to get the promotion I was offered because they want my schedule adherence to be 90%, but for the past couple weeks, it’s been consistently between 79-86 percent (Mainly in the 80’s). For me, it’s not intentional. Most days my children give me a hard time getting ready before work/school even if we wake up earlier than my alarms. I’ve missed a few days because I was too sick to go in (They would have definitely asked me to leave and not come back until a COVID test was done) and one or two days missed for mental health reasons, and one day because of my stuff being stolen so I had to spend a whole day cancelling cards, getting new cards, disputes, police report, alerts on my medical cards for my children and myself, etc.
I just want for this one time in my life for everything to fall in place and not hear the famous quotes of “you’ll find better” or “it’s for the best.” F**k that sh*t! My children and I deserve better. We have been patient for too long and I have been working way too hard, barely sleeping and eating, just to get us into a better lifestyle. The time is now!
I’m trying not to let the negativity get to me or be disappointed if everything is a no. I feel like if I can’t get these goals accomplished this time around, I will give in, relapse, and give up. I just don’t want to go back to hopelessness, I don’t want to break again and go for another extended stay at the hospital on the most soul depleting floor there. I don’t want to lose motivation to continue on the right path. And I don’t have anyone physical around to decrease my stress level. I don’t have a partner who could comfort me. My family are the ones who give those stupid “it gets better” lines. Yes, I still feel completely alone and lost and I am not a fan of doing this all (for three children and myself) alone anymore. It’s soul crushing to start over and over again and again. But I’m still doing all I can to hang in there.
First of all, you are a rockstar! Seriously. Single mom, killing it at work, and staying sober! I commend you for that.
It really sucks when you give and give and give and you work and work and work and hustle and hustle and hustle and you still can’t seem to get ahead. I just want you to know that your effort is not going unnoticed. Your sleepless night and your sacrifices are being observed by your three kids. And someday, they are going to look back at this time in their lives and think, “Mom really came through for us.”
Stay the course. Truly, you are making progress. You are strong and powerful, fighting tooth and nail to win the kind of life you want to provide for your family. That’s really f*cking amazing.
Anxiety is a b*tch. Talk to your doctor if this is a recurring problem. I had my dosage upped recently because of work stress and it has made a huge difference. Is it possible for you to talk to your boss about the issues with the last few weekss schedule adherence? Hopefully your work will be understanding, because life happens.
You’re damn right. I’m believing with you. The time is now.
It sounds like you are feeling anxiety over the potential of feeling hopeless. Sometimes I get caught in an anxiety loop of worry–usually about my kids. Something that has really helped me to pull myself out of the spiral is to stop and realize that envisioning the worst is not going to prepare me for the worst. In fact, instead of worrying about what could happen tomorrow, I need to enjoy the moment. So when I realize that I am caught in this negative thought cycle I make myself stop and list three things that I’m thankful for. Sometimes it’s the same three things over and over! And sometimes it’s just coffee three times. But either way, it has helped significantly.
Stay the course. It will pay off. Keep fighting for sobriety. As someone who is 6 years sober, I can say it does get easier, but it’s always a fight. You can do this. You are a badass.
Thank you for your kind words and even more for the suggestions to deal with my anxiety. I am continually fighting to do the right thing and journaling here was to help remove some of the thoughts from my head. It helps to write raw feelings then read back over them and think “oh man…I do look a little crazy worrying this much” and see the parts where I am still a fighter, been fighter, and will not give up. My hands shake so badly from two reasons…dehydration and anxiety and ADHD…ok, so that was three lol. So typing out my feels help and nowadays, putting it somewhere where it can be read by more than just me helps too, because maybe someone out there is going through the same thing and can see it’s not just them.