Still here

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I woke up this morning after a night of no sleep.
A night full of torturing thoughts and crippling doubt; question after question woke me up and prevented me from sleeping.

I’ve been trying hard in the last weeks to get better, to take better care of myself and to ask for help, at least from friends at the moment.
I started working on the foods I eat to give my body what it needs right now and I started taking supplements to get sleep. They help, but it’s a love-hate relationship.
I love that they help me sleep through the night and that I have a much deeper sleep now, but I hate that I need them in order to get any sleep.
As an addict in recovery, it tortures me to know that I need to take something to make me feel better (in this case to sleep better). I know I can’t get addicted to them and that I need sleep to keep fighting, but you know…

This last night I took way too many of the pills to make me sleep, but I still didn’t sleep.
I thought a lot, and I thought a lot about myself and that I don’t want to necessarily live anymore.

These are thoughts that I can’t handle.
I don’t know how to feel about any of this now. And it scares me, a lot.
I’m scared I could do something bad again or something worse.

I guess I’m hoping someone here reads these words and thinks I’m not THAT crazy, because I feel insane.

Ever since I wrote that stupid book of mine… ever since then I am falling apart. I’m guessing it was all a big mistake.

If you read my last post,
I am sorry. I am still here. I am still struggling a lot. I am still trying to be better.

If you didn’t read my last post,
You didn’t miss anything.

But here I am.

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Hi @fiji. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so terrible. I did not get to read your last post, but I do want to respond to this post.

I am here to tell you that you are NOT crazy. You went through some tough things that messed with your mind and told you to feel bad about yourself. You are not crazy. You are going through a rough time.

I’m sorry that you’ve been on a downward spiral since finishing your book. It sounds like you weren’t quite ready to go through all of that stuff that’s in your past, and you were even less ready to go through it by yourself. I know you felt like you were ready, and that everything would be ok, but it sounds like going over it triggered a bad response in you, and that’s unfortunate. If you have access to seeing a counselor, I would like you to contact one and ask for help. They can help give you tools to deal with the after effects. That’s the positive side of a good counselor- they can help you process the rough times and come out on the other side in a better state of mind. If you think you are going to hurt yourself, please go to the ER and ask for help.

Take things one day at a time, one moment at a time. Take deep breaths and do what you can to calm yourself. Meditate. Do a hobby. Talk to a friend. Make posts here. You are going to be ok. Keep reminding yourself of that. You’ve been through so much, and you got through it. I believe you can make it through this. I’m glad you’re still here.

~Daisy :hearts:

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Hey friend

A lot of what youre going through and discussing really resonates with me

I hope you know that you arent alone

We are here for you

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Thanks friend. I appreciate it.

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Oh friend, let me first start by saying that I am HAPPY and so very GRATEFUL that you are still here!!

Second- you are absolutely, 100% NOT crazy. A lot of people, myself included, struggle with not wanting to be here anymore sometimes. I know myself, sometimes these feelings last a few hour, a few moments maybe, and sometimes they completely consume years of my life. Sometimes the desire not to live drains all of my hope and motivation. It drains me physically, mentally, emotionally, until I’m just numb to life itself. You’re not insane for having these thoughts and feelings. I think you’re incredibly brave for speaking up and trying to reach out- that takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength!!

I’m proud of you for posting here, for being open and transparent about situations and feelings that are extremely heavy to carry alone- but that’s the point of HS, right?! To get this shit out there so that we can help bare some of that weight with you; because you are NOT alone. You do not have to hide anything. Ever. It’s ok not to be ok, but we don’t want you to stay there, and will help you in anyway we can, I will help you in anyway that I can!! Life is fucking hard!! Fighting mental illness is fucking hard!! Having to pretend it’s all ok- is unnecessary. This battle looks like having meltdowns and wanting to die more often than not, and it’s ok to feel those things. I’d venture to say it’s even normal in some instances- but you’ve got to hold on for just a little while longer. Because you’re valued. Because you’re needed. Because you matter. BECAUSE YOU ARE LOVED.

People need you. They need your story, they need your inspiration and advice, they need to know that they can make it through similar situations because you had the strength to survive, and now- so can they. It’s ok to be numb, to feel hopeless, to feel lost- but feelings can be misleading, and I’m telling you right here and now, you are not lost or alone, or unwanted. Your life has value and it has purpose beyond what you can imagine. I’m glad that you are still here, and I want you to continue to fight. I will fight with you, if you let me.

Please, if you’re struggling with thoughts of suicide, please call a hotline, or a friend, or reach out on here. Do not act on those feelings, do not act on that pain- because pain has a shelf life, and those feelings can not stay. Things WILL get better. Please just hold on.

My inbox is ALWAYS open if you need someone to talk to. No judgement, no unsolicited advice. I’d love to be a safe person that you could go to. I’d love for you to just keep fighting. I’d love for you to keep being here. You are so needed.

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Thanks.
I really appreciate it. Your worlds mean a lot to me.

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