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Still Not Feeling it or Better, I Guess

I am still exhausted and back to having insomnia. I feel like this all may be connected to my cycle because I still haven’t taken the suggestion of birth control. It feels stupid to consider birth control when I can’t get pregnant anymore, but it’s supposed to be a solution to the possible PMDD i may have.

All I do know right now is I am completely disconnected. Family and friends can stand right in front of my face and talk to me and I still don’t hear them or our conversation is interrupted by the sounds or smells only I can hear or smell. I’m not seeing things, but once again I feel like I am in a repetitive loop. Like all the conversations are the same and all the situations are the same. I feel like my mind is giving up on reality.

Yesterday I called off because I became an emotional wreck out of no where. I got so upset by the idea of having to work or do anything other than lay around and do nothing. I did end up falling back asleep and staying that way until 2:30pm. My friend took and watched my kids regardless of the fact that I called off.

I’ve even been trying to care for what’s going on with her (She’s been having a mental struggle too), but part of me doesn’t want to listen or deal with her shit and that’s not fair. I was glad that I took out enough energy to tell her how proud I was of her and grateful, but if felt so forced. I feel like a zombie, but my meds have been working fine the last time I checked. NO big changes besides diet and trying to get my sleeping issue under control.

It’s overwhelming that I want to keep crying for no reason, over petty things. and I really don’t understand. I don’t feel like working anymore even though a few of my recurring bills put my account in the negative and that’s stressing all the way out. I don’t want anyone helping me anymore. My mom helped me make rent this past week and everyone wants to send me money, but I don’t like that because I don’t need anyone holding that shit over my head.

I just feel lost. I feel like I don’t belong in my own skin. I’ve been uncomfortable in my own clothes, in my own bed. My whole being just desires an escape that’s not possible. I refuse to leave my kids and family and I surely can’t afford a vacation right now. ON top of that, I don’t even know where I want to go. I keep fantasizing about going to Hawaii or California or an Arizona desert or somewhere no one could find me. It feels like a stupid fantasy, but it’s a persistent fantasy as well.

I guess I feel over it all. Not in a suicidal type of way; just like I don’t want to do what I have to anymore. I just want to do whatever I want.


Hi Grandmastrqueen,

This legit is a HUGE thing. Its essentially a hormone therapy - disregard the pregnancy prevention, that’s not the purpose of the prescription here. If there’s a connection to the “I can’t get pregnant anymore” to a past trauma, then that’s something to discuss with a therapist as soon as possible. I’m guessing on the latter point though.

Passive aggressive or even aggressive behaviors like that are not supportive of your mental health. It’s easy for me to say ‘stop talking to them’ or whatnot, but ugh, that stuff is toxic. Setting appropriate boundaries when the monies are given such as: “Thanks for this, but I don’t want it brought up in the future. Is this a gift or is it a loan? If it’s a gift, with no strings attached, I’ll take it.” Something to that effect. You don’t need that stress! (No one does!)

Again, if PMDD is the diagnosis, all of this fits. It can cause symptoms of depression, anxiety, unease, etc. combined with the insomnia it’s the perfect storm of stuff that’s rattling your shores. It sounds horrible, I’m sorry that you are going through this. I find hope in that you do seem a supportive medical team and personal team, barring the passive aggressive stuff, on your side.

We humans are very much a system in flux, so one little thing can throw everything off kilter, so to speak, so addressing that insomnia asap, the trauma (if there is one) in the long run that’s leading to your apprehension about the medicine etc. is essential.

Thank you for being so brave in posting your experience with the community! <3

Heart Support Stream Team <3

the “I can’t get pregnant” part was a personal choice. After having a stressful and painful pregnancy that followed a traumatic event, I decided to get my tubes tied. I just don’t want to be on a birth control that going to make my weight go up or won’t make a change in my cycles. I am going to the doctor today for my cholesterol levels and I will inquire about birth control or what I could do to qualify for a hysterectomy.

As far as borrowing from people. It’s a point of me feeling like I NEED to pay it back even when I am told it’s fine. I’ve had family do this before and although their mindsets have changed, mine has not. It’s really my own internal negativity.

I took a quiz and it stated I may have PME (Premenstrual Exacerbation) and again, I will mention this today because I am over this once a month range of psycho emotions. I really appreciate your feedback and help. I just need to get past this struggle of disconnection.