I am still exhausted and back to having insomnia. I feel like this all may be connected to my cycle because I still haven’t taken the suggestion of birth control. It feels stupid to consider birth control when I can’t get pregnant anymore, but it’s supposed to be a solution to the possible PMDD i may have.
All I do know right now is I am completely disconnected. Family and friends can stand right in front of my face and talk to me and I still don’t hear them or our conversation is interrupted by the sounds or smells only I can hear or smell. I’m not seeing things, but once again I feel like I am in a repetitive loop. Like all the conversations are the same and all the situations are the same. I feel like my mind is giving up on reality.
Yesterday I called off because I became an emotional wreck out of no where. I got so upset by the idea of having to work or do anything other than lay around and do nothing. I did end up falling back asleep and staying that way until 2:30pm. My friend took and watched my kids regardless of the fact that I called off.
I’ve even been trying to care for what’s going on with her (She’s been having a mental struggle too), but part of me doesn’t want to listen or deal with her shit and that’s not fair. I was glad that I took out enough energy to tell her how proud I was of her and grateful, but if felt so forced. I feel like a zombie, but my meds have been working fine the last time I checked. NO big changes besides diet and trying to get my sleeping issue under control.
It’s overwhelming that I want to keep crying for no reason, over petty things. and I really don’t understand. I don’t feel like working anymore even though a few of my recurring bills put my account in the negative and that’s stressing all the way out. I don’t want anyone helping me anymore. My mom helped me make rent this past week and everyone wants to send me money, but I don’t like that because I don’t need anyone holding that shit over my head.
I just feel lost. I feel like I don’t belong in my own skin. I’ve been uncomfortable in my own clothes, in my own bed. My whole being just desires an escape that’s not possible. I refuse to leave my kids and family and I surely can’t afford a vacation right now. ON top of that, I don’t even know where I want to go. I keep fantasizing about going to Hawaii or California or an Arizona desert or somewhere no one could find me. It feels like a stupid fantasy, but it’s a persistent fantasy as well.
I guess I feel over it all. Not in a suicidal type of way; just like I don’t want to do what I have to anymore. I just want to do whatever I want.