First of all, I’m mostly writing this to collect my thoughts and throw them out into the universe because I’m sick of bothering my best friend with this.
I’ve been thinking about divorce for a long time. I’ve been married for 6.5 years and together with husband for almost 10. The first time I had it on my mind was just 6 months after getting married. We dated long-distance basically up until a few months of getting married. If I had gotten therapy in my teens, we would have broken up within the first year but I hadn’t and had shit standards for relationships. Now I have gotten therapy and have real friends who have taught me what caring about someone means and it breaks my heart because that’s not my marriage. We’ve gotten marriage therapy and counseling 4 separate times so it’s not that we haven’t been trying. I’m just so fucking conflicted and I know that realistically I won’t do it because there were about 5 million times I should have ended things already and didn’t, but I don’t want to live this way anymore either. And of course he doesn’t want divorce, just I do, so it feels like I would be the most selfish person in the world to break our marriage for my sake. I’m just so tired of not having a partner, of not having someone who cares equally about my needs, who cares about my mental health.
He’s getting better, but that always happens when we’re in marriage therapy because he has to answer to the therapist and then once we aren’t going anymore he will start throwing huge fits over small things or get angry about doing dishes or getting angry when I’m not in the mood for sex or telling me I have to wait to go to the doctor because his appointments are more important. The same guy who argued to my face that his time was more important than mine when I asked him for help with house chores. The same guy who after years of me saying I was worried I would kill myself because things were getting bad again responded with either nothing or with “okay but you have to stay at work because we need that money right now”. The person who encouraged me to self harm (even after I sent him information on why it’s bad for me), because it made me nice to him after he made me angry or because it helped me get through my work day and that’s just what I had to do for now. Who wouldn’t make me food when I was too depressed to cook because it was too much work if I could just skip a meal and be fine. The list of things goes on for ages.
And why am I still married? Because some days it’s fine and he’s not a dick about my needs and we can laugh about a show we watched. And recently he made me a meal for the first time in 4 years and brought me flowers home when I said I was having a bad day. So it makes me feel like there’s hope. He’s been in therapy for years now so maybe he’s making progress and can make human connection and care again. But then what if he does and I still don’t want to be married to him? We don’t even want the same things because I love animals and he is openly against animals or having property or a house because it’s too much effort. He ignores our dog and our dog is the best dog in the whole world. He hates going out and only like TV and videogames and I hate doing anything that involves screens and sitting. i just keep waiting for the next stage of whatever - because that’s always the excuse. When we were dating he would drop plans with me to see someone else or not talk about my issues with me because we were ‘just dating’ and it was selfish to expect him to hang out with me when we weren’t serious enough. Then we get engaged and can say I love you and finally care about each other deeply because we’re not ‘guarding our hearts anymore’ - but once we’re married, the next excuse is that he can’t care for me because he’s focused on school. Then he graduates and now he can’t care about me well because he has to focus on his new job and make money. Then it’s because he has to focus on his physical health and then mental health… I’m just tired. But I know that divorce is gross and messy and the church hates people who get divorced and I don’t even know if it would be worth messing up my current normal over it. Like, I could probably live fine with the ‘ok’ days until I die and just be bitter. I think being alone will be better for me but what if it’s not? What if I fuck us both up? I fucked up big time by getting myself into this mess and I’m just so so mad at myself for putting up with the shit that I did. I’m angry that religion was used to twist things. I’m angry that I gave myself such low standards of what love looks like. I’m angry that I can’t stop thinking about this.
Thanks for listening. I’ll stop there.