I feel like I’m hardly existing. Like I’m just here…going through the motions, but not very well. I feel so empty and just…numb. I hardly feel anything at all. Maybe if I cut I’ll feel something again. It’s better than nothing right? If I had to choose between feeling physical pain that I can control or feeling nothing, I’ll opt for the pain. It’s something I can control. It’s something I have a say over. I can’t control how long I’ll feel empty for. I don’t want to do this, but I feel the need to do this. It’s complicated I guess…I just want to truly feel something. I want to feel something deep. I know that surface emotions, happy, sad, angry, etc., are good to feel and all that…but I’m tired of just feeling those for a little bit of time. I want to feel something true and real. So…cutting seems like the most effective option. In my eyes, it’s what will get me back to feeling sort of like myself again. I know it’s bad…but I don’t know what else I can do. I’ve tried journaling, I’ve tried talking about it, I’ve tried the rubber band thing, I’ve tried drawing on my arm. I’ve tried so many things and none of them have worked. They all work for a little bit, but then it comes back. That want…that urge to make those marks. To bleed. To just feel something real. I’m really sorry everyone. I truly am. I don’t mean to cause worry, annoyance, frustration, or anything of that regard. I’m just done with the emptiness. I feel…hollow. Like a shell with nothing left. I’m sorry.
Cutting isn’t the most effect option, it shouldn’t even be considered as an option but that’s what comes to our minds when we need to feel. To hear the tearing of our skin as the blade runs against it. To see those first little droplets of blood start to seep out. What a rush right?
I know those feelings very well. My left arm and hand are filled with scars. Designs I made and long thick ugly scars. You know what they remind me of? Pain. It didn’t help to cut, it made things worse.
What happens after you cut?
Is this bloody cut on my arm really helping me right now?
Five mins later… I still feel alone, sad and empty. It’s not helping me.
It’s your choice, but I hope you make the choice not to cut.
I’ve said this before here… there are better safer ways to feel something.
You know that isn’t true. It is this voice in your mind trying to convince you that an instant relief - an illusion of relief - would be worth it while it’s not. You’ve been working for a very long time on being free of self-harm, have reached some AMAZING goals in terms of being off cutting, and THAT is where the truth resides. It’s in this strength, this resilience, this energy that you have and help you move forward. There may be times when it seems away, when everything feels numb and empty. But that strength is still within you even during those times, if not especially during those times. Your post today is the manifestation of it.
It is more than valid to need to feel something, and to feel like you need to feel at any cost. That’s exactly how depression has become my own comfort zone. Feeling sorrow and the depth of darkness feel more worthy and real than "joy, and “happiness” that oftenfeel empty to me. But, resisting to the temptation of diving into something that we know isn’t healthy for us, is still the right decision to make. I’m sorry you feel so numb, friend. It’s a horrible place to be. Maybe you could try, during those times, to focus on your sensations in a diffetent way - like having a walk and being mindful of it, dancing or moving, doing something you enjoy and seeing how it feels, just to realize that you are not that empty at the moment. It’s just harder to access to it. I promise that it won’t be like this forever though.
I believe in you. We all do. No matter what. The door is open and we’ll keep supporting you. You are not disappointing anyone. You are loved so much.
TW: SELF HARM 