TW: SELF HARM
I feel like I’m hardly existing. Like I’m just here…going through the motions, but not very well. I feel so empty and just…numb. I hardly feel anything at all. Maybe if I cut I’ll feel something again. It’s better than nothing right? If I had to choose between feeling physical pain that I can control or feeling nothing, I’ll opt for the pain. It’s something I can control. It’s something I have a say over. I can’t control how long I’ll feel empty for. I don’t want to do this, but I feel the need to do this. It’s complicated I guess…I just want to truly feel something. I want to feel something deep. I know that surface emotions, happy, sad, angry, etc., are good to feel and all that…but I’m tired of just feeling those for a little bit of time. I want to feel something true and real. So…cutting seems like the most effective option. In my eyes, it’s what will get me back to feeling sort of like myself again. I know it’s bad…but I don’t know what else I can do. I’ve tried journaling, I’ve tried talking about it, I’ve tried the rubber band thing, I’ve tried drawing on my arm. I’ve tried so many things and none of them have worked. They all work for a little bit, but then it comes back. That want…that urge to make those marks. To bleed. To just feel something real. I’m really sorry everyone. I truly am. I don’t mean to cause worry, annoyance, frustration, or anything of that regard. I’m just done with the emptiness. I feel…hollow. Like a shell with nothing left. I’m sorry.