A month ago I started dating a person who I thought I could really get along with and connect with and at first we did but then it started going down hill fast if I wasent talking the down from suicidal episodes or constantly reassuring them it felt like I was on egg shells the would flip flop from being understanding a d caring to this verbally abusive dick head which I know sounds bad but I let it slide cuz of their bpd and their own mental health but today they came at me with how they don’t know if they can continue to date a person with no life goal or dreams and so I cut it off yeah I may not have those things cuz everyday is a fucking struggle for me I struggle to get outta bed I struggle to keep my self together most days and so I haven’t had the energy or time to think about my life goal I just wanna be happy and function the best I can and if they can’t accept it so be it just don’t throw stones when your in the same position I’m in cuz I will throw them back twice as hard
Stones hurt! It’s probably better to be at such a distance that the stones can’t reach you.
Knowing that there are mental health issues that make the two of you incompatible, is a very good reason for the relationship to end, and you were wise to have ended it.
I have BPD and have been growing and learning. It’s really hard to not take things personally, but most of the crap that flies out of our mouths is just our own distorted reality and we regret it as it’s leaving our mouths. We watch it come out and we know it’s fucked up, but if we don’t have the tools to stop, then we don’t know how and sometimes we still can’t lol.
I’m really sorry that you’ve had to deal with this, it takes a special connection with someone to be able to handle it. If it’s this hard after only a month, I dunno …
Also, if you are someone who can handle it, I would suggest educating yourself on BPD (if you haven’t already) because if you can understand how we think, it would be way easier for you to handle it.
I don’t take his words personally it’s more his response to me offering a olive branch in terms of staying friends he said I don’t bother to talk to him ( which is a lie I talk to him for several hours a day via voice chat) and that he dosent care if he makes enemies on his way to getting to his goals In life I don’t have any I’ll will against him I don’t hate him I just feel hurt cuz when I still offered kindness he spat in my face more or less
What he is doing is called Splitting.
I’ll give you the official explanation of it, because I will just confuse you lol.
Splitting is considered by which people with BPD can view people, events, or even themselves in all-or-nothing terms. Splitting allows them to readily discard things they have assigned as “bad” and to embrace things they consider “good,” even if those things are harmful or risky.
So, in his reality you are not ambitious and he views that as bad. He can’t see what you’re going thru and weigh it as part of the big picture. He can’t see past you being bad. This happens a lot with us and it really causes a lot of destruction in our lives and those we love.
We will love you with everything we have and in the next minute want nothing more than to get you out of our lives. Usually what happens is we come back asking for forgiveness once we realize we messed up. It’s a vicious cycle.
This is the site.
That’s really tough @Derpplup. It sounds like you’ve made a sound decision by setting some boundaries right there. You both deserve respect, even if mental health issues interfere with the way you communicate together. The line between accepting and helping someone to be accountable as well can be really hard to determine.
It’s difficult when both partners are struggling for different issues, as it can really impact the relationship itself. Generally, it’s when those issues are clashing that we need external help, whether it’s individually or as a couple. In your situation, it was indeed a lot more healthier to set boundaries than to respond the same way and end up both in a vicious cycle. Maybe in the future you could find some way to communicate though, and see if you’d be on the same page regarding how they could work on themselves too, and eventually get helped?
Sending hugs your way.
One thing my boyfriend reminded me of this morning that pertains to this.
“This is all comes from your metal illness and your own reality which is distorted, but very real to you.”
Gave me a lot to ponder, I hope it helps. If that’s something that you can truly understand than I really hope you know that this really has nothing to do with you as a person.
I know hes struggling and I’m more then happy to stay friends with him but he is clearly not in a place to have healthly romantic relationships right now there’s more to his side of things I won’t share cuz that’s his business but until he has come down from this particular event I can’t be around him he’s to toxic Ive spent the last two years getting out of toxic situations and I can’t fall I care about him deeply but I can’t deal the the abuse wether it be on purpose or not I hope this dosent upset you as someone with bpd I know those sorts of mental illnesses can be really rough I just need my distance at this point
Not at all, I understand. I honestly think you are making a very healthy decision and it’s a brave thing to do. It took me a lot of ruined relationships and a marriage to get where I’m at right now (still have a lot to work on), it’s not easy but it can happen. I hope he finds help and I think you’ll be ok
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