I have been through different types of bullying and harassment situations. Some at school, work, and other places. There were times where a couple students or one particular person would say rude things to me or target me in other ways. There are times I think to some of the situations and get very angry and upset. My body tenses up. I have thoughts of wanting to make the people who did it pay somehow, either physically or some other way, but I know that wouldn’t be the best thing for me. And then the sense of injustice comes and I realize that nothing happened to them as a result. I tell myself they are pathetic to be acting like that but it doesn’t change how they impacted me. I sometimes feel almost a sense of shame that I was a target and wonder why me?
Hey there, @Lee1. I’ve definitely been where you are. Thinking about past things like that can be triggering, but it’s important to remember that they happened in the past and can’t cause any more harm in the present. For me, understanding that the people who said or did those things to me were just immature and probably had problems with themselves, which isn’t an excuse, but it does help knowing that their anger towards me wasn’t about me.
This is 100% true, getting “revenge” in some way never helps, sometimes it makes it even worse because then you have to potentially deal with the consequences of whatever you do.
I’ve wondered “why me” many times but it’s important to remember that what other people think, say, or do to you doesn’t make you have less value or dignity as a person.
I hope that these bad memories can dissolve into the void someday and won’t cause this much distress. Much love, friend. You’re not alone.
From: Lisalovesfeathers (Discord)
Hi Friend, I am so sorry that you have had to put up with these nasty individuals, its not right and its not fair and it should not have happened to you. I hope you know that none of that was ever your fault, you never asked for it, they are exactly what you say they are Bullies. Now saying all of that, the best way to beat a bully is to show them that they have no power over you. I understand completely that, that feels like they have gotten away with what they have done and that seems so unfair but what would be worse is you getting back at them and you getting into trouble and that could happen. If this is still going on I encourage you to go to a superior and report it, go through the proper channels to get it stopped not take it into your own hands. I truly hope someone can help you to get this under control. In the meantime, please continue to come here anytime as we are always here to listen and support you. Much love Lisa.
From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ (Discord)
Hi @Lee1 I’m so sorry that you’ve had to deal with this type of thing. It’s horrible. If this is still going on, is there someone you can talk to? Someone who can make a difference and stop it? I don’t know why some people get bullied and some don’t, but it’s not fair and it sucks. Take care. ~Lizzy
From: eloquentpetrichor (Discord)
Hello, Lee! I know how it feels to be bullied. I was bullied from 1st grade through my first couple years of uni. I understand that desire to stoop to their level and clap back but it can definitely make things worse in multiple ways. It’s easy to pretend it doesn’t affect you but it always does for sure because having people say awful things to you is never easy or fun or nice or anything good. It is always completely bad. You can tell yourself affirmations all day that it’s their problem and there is nothing wrong with you that makes you deserve to be bullied and no matter how incredibly true that always is it will still hurt when someone chooses to target you negatively. What helps me when I wonder “why me?” is to focus on what they are targeting or being mean or rude about (this was mostly something I did as a kid). Trying to read between the lines and get to the root of their insecurity can be a big tool in understanding their anger. And I find that understanding what is wrong in their life that makes them act that way can do one of two things for me. I can find some solace and empathy if I am able to recognise that there really is smth awful in their life that is perpetuating their abusive nature (bad home sitch, etc) and then I am able to feel bad for them and sometimes use that to be nice to them in a specific way that makes them an ally or even friend. Or if I’m feeling petty I can use that knowledge to say subtle but specific things that just slightly undermine their own confidence and make them see me as less easy of a target. But again that goes back to retaliation which can end badly. But those were the things I did to fight the bullies. If you are still dealing with bullies in your life maybe that can help you some. No matter what I hope you know that you are an amazing person who matters and you do not deserve to be bullied and the answer to “why me?” is NEVER because you are weak. It’s because you are strong.
@LiveResponse I only sometimes feel like getting revenge but it usually dissipates. It’s just hard to know they targeted me and as you said, I didn’t deserve it so why did it happen? Why wasn’t someone else out of the many people targeted? Not that I would like others to experience that too, I’m asking because it doesn’t make sense. It is not going on anymore. Some of the incidents were in high school. There was specifically this guy that would target me, sometimes say some bad stuff like that I’m a druggy when he knows that I’m not, one time he said something like “hope you don’t shoot up the school” as in saying hopefully my behavior isn’t causing you so much trouble that you feel that way but it was in a sarcastic, not a caring kind of way. And there’s other incidents too.
All the things that you feel about these situations, whether they belong to the past or not, are absolutely understandable. Yes, it was a pure injustice - you never asked to be treated that way, you’ve never done anything for that, and nothing will ever justify bullying and harassment.
It was not your fault. It’s not something you could control. It was really about others behavior and poor choices. The shame that you feel doesn’t belong to you, even though it makes sense to feel that way too. No one wants to have a status of victim in their life. And I’m not saying that in a negative way - being a victim is not a shame. Actually, when you learn to let go of the shame, you also learn to accept that the situation was not your fault, which in the long run will help you to free yourself from this victim position.
I’ve been personally in multiple situations of violence in which I was a victim. But I was feeling so ashamed that I couldn’t even emphasize the fact that at the moment the victim was me, not anyone else, and certainly not the people who abused me. When I started to recreate this balance in my perception of the events, it has also helped me to empower myself and to decide how I would keep moving on - without forgetting of course. I was a victim when I was hurt. But I am not a victim as a general statement. Just like what happened to you was not your fault, and it is not something that is going to condition the rest of your life either. Healing is possible, little by little.
Wanting revenge is also absolutely understandable. Although it may not be about revenge precisely, but more about a need to find some closure in your life and regarding those events. For some people, it goes along with a punishment somehow, or excuses/forgiveness, etc. For others, who can’t access to this kind of direct closure, like you and I, they have to learn to create their own way based on what is meaningful to them. To me - and it has taken a long time to initiate that process - I realized that 1/ my anger and pain were absolutely valid, but also that 2/ it would consume me if I allowed myself to get stuck in it. You may not have been able to make decisions for yourself in the past, but now you have that power, and that could be also how you will learn to not be pushed back by these events repeatedly. When someone hurts you, they try to diminish you and their purpose is to make you feel ashamed, hurt, sad, lonely… each step that you will take to keep having your best life is also going to be a way to shout out to the world that these people didn’t win. That they didn’t take your resilience, beauty and determination away.
It is sometimes really really hard to not have any justice for something wrong that happened to us. It’s impossible to describe how it feels to live with a “why” question left without any answer. Learning to live our best life is also how we can get our revenge though. They may not see it. They may not have that moment of realising: “Damn, we didn’t get what we want”. But it doesn’t have to be about them. This is your life and you are living it. Not them.
The answers to your why’s are in their minds. We could make assumptions like maybe they’ve learned to be that way because they were hurt too, as violence is generally a repeated cycle. But ultimately, it will probably remain a mystery. What is absolutely sure though, is that the reason is not about you or who you are. They may have seen it as an excuse and a poor justification for their behavior. But what they did to you was something about them and themselves. Not who you are. Not what you’ve done or said. The shame belongs to them.
I understand how heartbreaking these questions are, and how painful it is to face the same walls over and over. For what it’s worth, you are not alone.
I’m eloquentpetrichor. I wanted to respond to your response and say that I’m glad it isn’t happening anymore. It’s awful how these things can stick with us. And it never makes sense how the bullies choose who to target. I’ve never understood the method by which they pick us. As far as I can tell it seems random. When they are in the mood to be awful they attack the first person they see and it’s like a target gets painted on their back or something for that bully. I would love the chance to talk to a bully who recognises and regrets their actions from the past and would be willing to shed light on the subject.
That guy sounds awful. Just spreading lies and then recognising they are creating toxicity. It baffles me. It’s incidents like that that make me wish I could read minds so I could understand what they think saying things like that accomplishes. I don’t think we’ll ever understand why bullies did what they did or why they chose who they did. We have to just keep swimming
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